TSA On High Alert As Obama Administration Unveils Useless And Ineffective New Ebola Screening At Airports

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the near hysterical ravings of pundits on both Fox and CNN regarding the single confirmed Ebola case in the country, and the resulting abject panic shown by weaker-minded American citizens, the U.S. government will begin screening passengers arriving at five airports from West African countries affected by the Ebola outbreak, the White House announced this afternoon.

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Earnest wanted reporters to assure the traveling public that TSA personnel were already taking time out from feeling-up attractive female passengers to look for anyone bleeding from the nose, ears, or mouth.

The five airports – John F. Kennedy International in New York, Newark, Chicago O’Hare, Atlanta and Washington Dulles—account for 94 percent of the passengers arriving each day from Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, said White House press secretary Josh Earnest. And there are only about 150 such passengers each day at those airports, making it more feasible to screen people more intensively who come from or recently visited the affected countries.

The Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, Thomas Eric Duncan, arrived from Brussels at Dulles before flying to Dallas/Fort Worth International.

“The vast majority of passengers from those countries would be subject to this additional layer of screening,” Earnest said.

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TSA officers will undergo three weeks of intensive training so that they will be able to accurately take the temperature of every arriving passenger from the hot zone.

“That will counter and has countered the spread of Ebola,” he said, adding that pre-departure screening is only part of the process. Officials at U.S. airports have already been trying to spot travelers with potential Ebola symptoms.

Screening for fever will be conducted by Customs and Border Patrol, Coast Guard and personnel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Earnest said. And he said, the screening shouldn’t cause any “significant disruption to the broader traveling public.”

Earnest failed to say just why the hell Coast Guard personnel would be used in the airports, but experts assume that their success at keeping illegal drugs out of the country had something to do with it.

The White House Spokesman wasn’t sure if travelers with a fever would be put into quarantine. The Department of Homeland Security will provide more details on the new procedures later today.

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A source close to the CDC who wished to remain anonymous assured Fox News pundit Eric Bolling that there was really nothing to worry about and any white person who contracted the disease would receive the best medical care money could buy.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do with someone who has a fever,” said Earnest. “It really does not matter anyway, because you don’t have to have a fever to be harboring the deadly virus.”

Duncan apparently had no fever until a few days after he arrived in Dallas, so the precautions are obviously just an attempt by the Administration to show that it is doing something, however ineffective that something may be.

Earnest conceded that there’s no way to screen people who are infected before they show symptoms — which is the point at which they become contagious.

“What we’re trying to do is quickly isolate cases of individuals who are showing symptoms” and therefore could spread the disease. “You can’t get it through the air. It’s not like the flu or catching a cold… What we’re trying to do is safeguard the global transportation infrastructure at the same time we’re protecting the American public,” said Duncan, with smirk on his face.

“Look, the main thing we are trying to do here is look good and silence the idiots on CNN and Fox who have a ten-year-old’s grasp of science and public health issues,” said Duncan, who addressed the gathering of White House journalists while dressed in a lovely violet hazmat suit.

As Earnest left the podium he encouraged everyone attending the news conference to wash their hands at least 50 times per day and lock themselves inside their homes until the crisis in West Africa has passed, which should be sometime within the next two years.

 

 

 

 

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”

 

 

Jay Carney Narrowly Escapes Guillotine, Sentenced To Permanent Exile In Florida

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In a press release this morning, the White House announced that Jay Carney would receive a permanent stay of execution if he agreed to spend the rest of his natural life within the borders of the State of Florida. President Obama announced Carney’s resignation on Friday and told reporters that a change had been in the works since April, and that a decision would be made over the weekend concerning the fate of the long-suffering press secretary.

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Both Carney and Shinseki barely managed to avoid the fate that awaited so many scapegoats of past administrations

Sources close to Carney told our reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker on Saturday that Carney simply could not take the pressure anymore. “The incessant barrage of moronic questions about imaginary conspiracies finally got the best of him,” an official said, on the condition that he remain anonymous.

On Wednesday, Carney, General Erik Shinseki, and their families will be placed in a special sealed Amtrak train from D.C. to Jacksonville, Florida. The train has been dubbed the “Scapegoat Express,” and has been used by former administrations to get rid of troublesome bureaucrats, buxom secretaries that got too bossy, and other individuals that threatened to become embarrassments to various presidents and cabinet officials.

If they survive the journey on Amtrak, they are to be transferred from Jacksonville via Greyhound Bus to Panama City in the panhandle, a region ruled by county sheriffs, hoteliers, uneducated public officials, probation officers, and Bible-thumping rednecks.

Our anonymous source told “The Coyote” that “Carney should consider himself lucky. You never hear another word from most press secretaries that resign do you? That’s because they are shipped off to CIA ‘black sites’ and are ‘disappeared’ along with their loved ones.”

Another source told us that despite the cesspool of political backbiting and inertia that is  D.C. politics, “there is one place that the two parties can find common ground, and that’s blaming underlings for scandals and mistakes. When an individual accepts a political job it’s understood that ‘the buck’ stops well below the elected official, and lower level employees better fall on the sword or they risk life and liberty. Just look at Chris Christie if you need an example. He’s still in the mix because he took swift action to blame everyone but himself for that bridge fiasco.”

Sources say that both Carney and Shinseki will receive a small percentage of their retirement packages until they are able to find jobs at motels or fast food joints along the nearby coastline, practically the only source of income available to anyone who moves to the area.

 

Cliven Bundy Announces Plans To Annex Arizona And Parts Of Northern Mexico

Rancher Cliven Bundy poses at his home in Bunkerville, Nevada

CARSON CITY (CT&P) – Citing “Manifest Destiny” and water rights supposedly established by distant relatives who passed through the southwest over 200 years ago in route to a small tavern in southern California, rancher and constitutional law scholar Cliven Bundy announced plans to claim the State of Arizona and the bulk of Northern Mexico as grazing land for his cattle.

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Bundy’s public relations manager and sign maker graduated summa cum laude from Radioactive Springs Middle School in nearby Half-Life Lake, Nevada

Bundy and other ranchers have been in a twenty year battle with the Bureau of Land Management, a federal agency, over grazing rights in protected areas. Bundy has consistently claimed that he and others have “God-given” rights to graze their cattle wherever they damn well please because their ancestors were on the land before the area became part of the United States.

In fact, Bundy and his allies do not recognize the United States government at all and refer to it as a “foreign power.”

Bundy owes more than one million dollars in fines and grazing fees to the feds for allowing his wandering ungulates to tramp through lands set aside as habitat for the endangered desert tortoise.

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Bundy’s core supporters, known as “Bundy’s Butt Plugs,” hail from Banjo Bluffs, Utah

During a weekend standoff federal law enforcement officers had the good sense to back off and not make martyrs of any of Bundy’s well-educated supporters.

Following in the footsteps of famous patriot and fellow rancher Saddam Hussein, Bundy had placed women and children in strategic areas around “Bunkerville” so that if any shooting started they would be the first casualties.

Scores of semiliterate dimwits with assault rifles and pitchforks milled about or took up sniping positions on overpasses or behind cardboard boxes full of survivalist pamphlets.

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Bundy’s defense strategy includes putting the younger militia members on the outer ring of his defenses

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) railed against the cretinous cabal at a ‘Hashtags and Headlines’ event at the Paris Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas on Wednesday.

“There were hundreds, hundreds of people from around the country that came there,” Reid said. “They had sniper rifles in the freeway. They had weapons, automatic weapons. They had children lined up. They wanted to make sure they got hurt first … What if others tried the same thing?”

Senator Reid made sure his opinion on the matter was clear. He said that Bundy and his supporters were “Nothing more than domestic terrorists,” adding, “I repeat: what happened there was domestic terrorism.”

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Highly trained members of the white supremacist group the “Ignorant Rebel Shitheads of Northern Florida” are in route to Nevada to aid Bundy in his fight for freedom

As federal and state authorities consolidated their ring around “Bunkerville” yesterday, Bundy, who fancies himself a modern-day Samuel Adams, responded to all the criticism from the feds.

At a hastily called press conference held outside an old Winnebago parked under an interstate overpass, Bundy told reporters, “We are gonna take back the land that is rightfully ours. We don’t recognize the legitimacy of any federal, state, or local government and they can’t tell us what to do with our bovines. We were here first, well, except for them Injuns, and they don’t count ’cause they ain’t white. We are gonna raise an army of like-minded folks from around the country to fight for our freedom to do whatever the fuck we want with our cows, and that includes night-time rendezvous!”

Bundy continued, “We thought about annexing New Mexico instead of Arizona, but we really like Arizona’s Anti-Faggot Laws. Them lawmakers in Arizona is some folks we can work with. Anyway, I’ve done put out a call for every militia and right-wing nutball organization from here to Canada to come and lend a hand. Ain’t no way we’re gonna lose this one!”

Indeed, morons from all over the United States have been pouring into Nevada for reasons other than squandering their cash in Vegas. Members of the well-known white supremacist groups the “Ignorant Rebel Shitheads of Northern Florida” and the “White Trash Neo Nazis of Lower Mississippi” have both pledged platoons of eager dullards to be used as cannon fodder for the cause.

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Cliven’s son Ted was another vocal proponent of personal freedom and liberty

Of course no one knows how the current situation will play out or if Bundy will raise enough troops to be able to tackle the Arizona National Guard, much less the Mexican army. However, it seems that at least the Obama Administration is showing more wisdom than Clinton and Reno did when faced with similar situations in the 1990’s. So far patience and restraint have been the watchwords for the federal authorities.

A spokesman for the administration told us that “Although very few people other than Glenn Beck’s audience would cry over these idiots, we really don’t want another ‘barbecue de crétins’ on our hands. We’ve already got too much to deal with around here.”

So far the only response to the crisis from Bundy’s main rival group, the AARDT (American Association of Retired Desert Tortoises) came from Yertle, a 76-year-old tortoise currently living in Reno. “We tortoises had to deal with that moron and his friends for most of my life. It’s about time the feds did something about his idiot cattle roaming all over the place like lost sheep. I don’t know what will happen, but I want to make one thing abundantly clear to the people of America: WE DO NOT EAT COW SHIT.”