Shocking New Revelations From Edward Snowden


MOSCOW-During his first annual Christmas special from a stylish dacha located just outside Moscow, Edward Snowden revealed what may be the most insidious of all the intrusive NSA spy programs.

The variety show, “A Very Snowden Christmas” was broadcast around the world on BBC Channel 4. It featured a Stoli chugging contest, a chess tournament in real-time, readings from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, and a viewing of the recent hit internet movie “Babushkas Gone Wild!”

However, the main event was Snowden’s three-hour rumination on the loss of privacy and its potential effects on society in the future. During this linguistic marathon Snowden casually mentioned what can only be described as a monstrous NSA program code-named “Satan’s Claws.”

The program has apparently been active for over four years. It seems that in a rare case of inter-agency cooperation, the FBI and NSA managed to coerce Santa Claus into gathering video and DNA evidence for use by the intelligence community. The program takes advantage of the notorious “sneak and peek” provision of the Patriot Act. Once per year on Christmas Eve, Santa snaps photos and records video of the interior of millions of American homes. He also takes mouth swabs from suspicious characters and “dissidents” while they sleep. The photos, videos and DNA samples are then entered in a huge database for possible use by government agencies at a later date.

When asked to define “dissident” for purposes of the program, Snowden said “You know dissidents, unsavory characters like liberals, members of the press, Hollywood types, basically anyone who votes Democrat.”

Snowden went on to say that at first Mr. Claus was very reluctant to participate in such a sinister program. However, when FBI agents showed Santa some old surveillance photos and threatened to expose him, he finally agreed to participate. Apparently the rumors about Santa and his Elves are true.

“A Very Snowden Christmas” turned out to be a huge hit in Russia where over 20 million homes tuned in on black and white television sets. Snowden closed the program by sliding down a pole with a vodka martini in his hand a la Dean Martin. He then strolled off the stage to the tune of the “March” from Prokofiev’s The Love of Three Oranges, with a gorgeous blonde on each arm.

CIA Whistleblower Confirms That Santa Claus Is White


LONDON-At an early morning press conference held at The Guadian’s London headquarters, spokesman Lord John Wharfin announced that the paper had obtained incontrovertible evidence that Santa Claus is in fact a Caucasian.

Lord Wharfin displayed a series of grainy long-range surveillance photographs along with a statement from a mole within the C.I.A. The photos revealed a bearded man in a red suit backing a rental truck up to the dock of a C.I.A. “black site” somewhere in the Balkans. “As you can plainly see from this photograph, Santa is undoubtedly a white man,” Wharfin said.

The series of photos showed Santa leaning out of the truck with a cigarette dangling from his mouth using the driver’s side mirror to line up the rear of the truck with the loading bay. Wharfin continued, “We can also deduce that Santa smokes Camels and the burst blood vessels around the nose and cheeks indicate that he is a heavy drinker.”

An unnamed informant told The Guardian that Santa was delivering a vintage “Brazen Bull” from Sicily, once used by Phalaris, tyrant of Akragas, to execute unruly citizens. The C.I.A. had placed the Bull at the top of its Christmas list this year. Santa apparently obtained the Bull from a surplus store in Palermo.

The “Brazen Bull” has been a tried and true torture and execution device for millenia. It is a hollow bull cast from bronze or gold into which the condemned are placed while a fire is set under it. As the bull heats up, the unfortunates inside slowly roast to death. All in all it can be a rather unpleasant experience.

Traditionally, brazen bulls have been equipped with devices on the snout which convert the screams of the damned into beautiful music. However, the C.I.A. model has been modified to produce confessions and information that the intelligence community wants to hear, regardless of its veracity.

A "Brazen Bull" from Phalaris' first production run circa 550 BC

A “Brazen Bull” from Phalaris’ first production run circa 550 BC

In a written statement read aloud by Lord Wharfin the mysterious whistleblower said, “For some time now the Agency has been casting about for a replacement for waterboarding and long-term sleep deprivation. We have just had too much bad press on those two methods of torture. The drone program is cool, but it’s damn near impossible to interrogate anyone after they and their families have been blown to bits by high explosive. The ‘Bull’ offers us a viable alternative, and who knows, maybe later we can sell a few knock-offs to the FBI or DEA for domestic use.”

Lord Wharfin closed the press conference by saying that The Guardian did not in any way support the torture of any individuals under any circumstances. The disclosure regarding the “Brazen Bull” was merely a by-product of its efforts to determine the racial background of a mythical character purported to visit millions of homes on Jesus’ birthday.

Rand Paul Assaults National Intelligence Director James Clapper


Tea Party favorite Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky) appeared on CNN’s “The Infatuation Room” with Wolf Blitzer last night where he accused Director of National Intelligence James Clapper of lying to Congress and the American people.

Senator Paul, a confirmed plagiarist, told Blitzer that Clapper should resign for “lying” to a Senate committee in March. “He (Clapper) said that the NSA was not collecting any data on U.S. citizens.”

Paul continued, “When you’re doing this and when you have the ability to destroy people’s lives – you have the ability to actually kill people overseas – I would think that you really have to have the utmost trust. And I think he’s lost our trust by lying to us.”

Paul, who has been called “foul tempered” by some, became more and more agitated as the interview continued. “Look Wolf, lying to the American people, destroying people’s lives, killing innocent civilians overseas, hell, that’s Congress’s job, and I’m not letting some two-bit pompous ass bureaucrat move in on our turf! The American people simply won’t stand for it!”

Paul, who appeared to be hyperventilating, then excused himself from the interview. Upon returning to the “Green Room” to retrieve his belongings, he apparently found Clapper and an aide rifling his briefcase and planting a bug in his overcoat.

According to witnesses, Paul went berserk and repeatedly pistol-whipped  Clapper  about the head and neck with a pearl-handled revolver, a gift from the Lexington Chapter of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Clapper was taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital where he is recovering from his injuries. Although obviously unable to comment personally, Clapper’s office released the following statement:

“We sincerely regret the unfortunate incident at CNN’s Washington Bureau last night. Director Clapper bears no ill will toward Senator Paul, or any other politician, for that matter. Our job as policeman of the world is to protect and serve the American people, as long as they behave in a manner that we see fit. We hope that this regrettable event does not in any way impede the implementation of our new multiple-agency security program set to launch next spring.”

The program referred to in the statement is code-named “STASI”, and is a joint effort of the NSA, CIA, and FBI. It features, among other things, fully armed Predator drones patrolling the airspace over all 50 states. The “General Lee,” the first fully armed domestic drone, is set to start flight tests along the Texas-Mexico border in January. It will be equipped with NSA listening devices, long-range cameras with infrared capability, and of course two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-ground missiles.

Director Clapper has sincerely promised both Congress and the American people that the Predators would never in any circumstance be used on “law-abiding American citizens.”

Paul and Patty’s Excellent Adventure


The compromise budget deal worked out by Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) cleared a key hurdle in the Senate yesterday and seems destined to win Congressional approval late this week. The vote was 67-33 in favor.

The plan overcame token resistance in the House last week by radical right Tea Partiers and various Jacobins on the left. The final tally was 332 in favor and 94 opposed, with 7 abstaining.

The two masterminds behind the bipartisan compromise held a press conference to celebrate the progress of the bill early this morning.

The press conference was held at a pub close to the Capitol called “The Dirty Politician”, where attendees dined on a brunch of lobster and caviar omelettes and enjoyed Don Perignon mimosas at taxpayer expense.

Representative Ryan boasted of the hard work put into the agreement: “Patty and I toiled tirelessly for several weeks in order to come up with this compromise, which in the end was a simple ‘you give 50% and I’ll give 50%’ proposition.” Ryan continued, “This agreement is absolutely the best thing we could come up with for the American people. While not everyone on our side will be happy with it, the plan safeguards important programs we have in place, such as the ‘War on Terror,’ the ‘War on Drugs,’ the ‘War on Gay Marriage,’ the ‘War on Science,’ and the all important ‘War on Obamacare,’ to name a few.”

Senator Murray agreed saying, “Yes, after all the grueling hours of debate we have really come up with a great plan that makes practically no one happy, but it does make government shutdowns less likely. I know some of our folks will be displeased, but at least we protected our key programs such as the ‘War on Poverty’, the ‘War on Traditional Marriage,’ and the critical ‘War on Christmas,’ among others.”

Although the budget deal does practically nothing to slow the growth of a crushing national debt and little to rein in runaway defense spending, leaders of both parties did not seem overly concerned. “We live in a very dangerous world, and we need to continue to spend more than the next 10 countries combined on defense. Otherwise how the hell are we going to continue to cause collateral damage around the world?” Ryan said.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) added, as he stumbled past the podium, “Paul is right! The NSA for example, should get even more funding. The Orwellian programs we have allowed to blossom on our watch will be invaluable to future politicians looking to control an unruly public! Who is gonna spy on the American people if we don’t do it ourselves?”

Ryan and Murray took no questions from the press and the get-together slowly deteriorated into a love-in between politicians of both parties so common when someone even whispers the term “bipartisan.” Reporters, waiters, and bar-keeps alike were nauseated to the point of needing medical care.

As stated earlier, the budget bill should clear the Senate by the end of the week. President Obama is eager to sign the glorious document into law as soon as it is put on his desk, which no doubt will call for another bipartisan Woodstock-style love festival.