Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

NRA Blames Oregon Shooting On ‘Gun Free’ Zones

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this evening, CEO and Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre blamed today’s mass shooting in Oregon on dangerous ‘gun free zones’ around schools, churches, and government buildings.

The shooting, in which at least 13 were killed and at least 20 more wounded, occurred at Umpqua Community College, which has about 3,000 students, in a rural community about three hours south of Portland. The first calls came in at 10:38 a.m., local officials said, and the college was put on lockdown as a number of law enforcement agencies responded.

The gunman died after an exchange of gunfire with the police.

The NRA was quick to respond to the tragedy, releasing a statement even as the last bullets were being fired by the perpetrator and law enforcement. The statement emphasized that if only we could do away with liberal politicians and communist school administrators that push for gun free zones around schools and other public buildings these types of senseless tragedies could be avoided.

At LaPierre’s presser later in the day LaPierre stressed that the only way to stop mass shootings in America was for every citizen to be armed from childhood to death with automatic weapons and large capacity magazines.

“We have to stop this senseless violence,” said an emotional LaPierre. “The NRA has always been against these dangerous gun free zones. Whenever any group of people is walking around unarmed it’s just asking for trouble. In the next session of Congress, we intend to push for a bill providing free or discounted weapons to all Americans. And it’s not just guns we need. We’ve partnered with our friends in the manufacturing sector to push for the legal ownership of RPG’s, flamethrowers, and crew-served automatic weapons.

“We also believe that everyone in the U.S. should own a shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile in case one of these nuts decides to attack a school in a private aircraft. It just makes good sense.”

President Obama, who earlier in the day expressed his sadness after hearing of the shooting, responded to LaPierre by saying: “Wayne LaPierre is a giant prick.”

 

 

Confused Man Searches For His Penis Inside Atlanta Airport

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – A disoriented 50-year-old man wearing an AR-15 rifle around his neck entered Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport today and wandered around aimlessly looking in rubbish bins and behind newspaper stands, according to reports from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When approached by airport security personnel he reportedly said that he was “searching for his penis.”

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Before moving to Atlanta Mr. Cooley was the winner of the Chicagoland Small Penis Competition for three years running

The man, Jim Cooley, lives with his wife and daughter in an abandoned hunting shack located in a wooded area north of Atlanta. He regularly shows up in parks and public buildings around the city and asks passers-by if they have seen his penis and testicles.

Although originally from Chicago, Illinois, Cooley came down south in attempt to get away from people who ridiculed his paranoid fantasies about the federal government coming to take away his guns and sexual organs. Cooley is said to have settled in Georgia because of its borderline-insane firearms laws.

While many passengers were terrified at the gun-carrying man walking freely around the airport, Cooley was breaking no law because the State of Georgia actively encourages mentally unstable residents to arm themselves to the teeth and wander around aimlessly.

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Mr. Cooley lives with his wife Ethyl and their daughter Chloride in an abandoned hunting shack adjacent to a toxic waste dump

“He wasn’t hurting anyone and did not act threatening,” said Edward Dimbulb, a security guard at the airport. “We all kind of felt sorry for the old bastard. I mean it’s a hell of thing to have a dick so small that you can’t find it.”

Sergeant Robert Dogkiller of the Atlanta Police Department told the Journal-Constitution that although it was perfectly fine that Cooley was in the busiest airport in the fucking world with a loaded assault rifle, the APD had to remove Cooley when he stuck his hand down his pants and began weeping in front of a group of schoolchildren in route to North Korea to study civics.

“We southerners don’t want our kids exposed to anything that might lead them to believe that touching their own sexual organs is OK,” said Dogkiller. “If they need to examine something they can examine their Bibles.”

Cooley was removed without incident from the airport and transported to the edge of the woods where he lives. His dark red ’75 pickup was impounded but will be returned to him as soon as he coughs up the $5000 fine for parking in a handicapped zone.

 

 

Jeb Bush Announces Plans To Tour America On ‘Short Bus Express’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources within the Bush Campaign have informed several media outlets that the former governor of Florida and presidential candidate will be touring the United States in what pundits have dubbed “The Short Bus Express.” Although official tour dates have not yet been set, an aide to the former governor told reporters at the Tallahassee Cretin Gazette that a bus had already been purchased and was in the process of being repainted and prepared for travel.

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Mr. Bush is widely considered the goofiest of the Republican candidates for president

“The Governor feels that he needs to connect face to face with the citizens of this great country so he can deliver his message to Americans in a personal way,” said an aide in an interview with the Gazette. “We plan on traveling from state to state like a troop of reactionary right-wing gypsies spreading the ‘good news’ of the Republican vision for America.”

All of the archaic and antiquated policies of the standard Republican platform will be stressed, according to the aide.

“Tax breaks for the 1%, white male domination in all areas of society, denial of a woman’s right to choose under any circumstances, ignoring climate change and dangerous environmental pollutants, special compensation for giant corporations, making gay marriage illegal once and for all, suppression of minority civil rights, and destruction of our national parks through mining and oil exploration are just a few of the policies that Mr. Bush will be touting,” said the aide.

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Like most Republicans, Mr. Bush would like to roll back the clock to a simpler time before progressives destroyed the country with their godless socialist policies

“Mr. Bush is solidly behind the Republican agenda of returning America to a pre-Enlightenment society. We firmly believe that if we can just return to a medieval culture and economic system where aristocrats and the church have total control over everyone’s lives, we’ll be much better off.”

Although the bus that the campaign has purchased is rather small, there will room for three Fox News pundits and Mr. Bush’s NRA minder to travel along with the candidate.

One of the most important functions of the Fox News personnel will be to convince poor and weak minded white Americans to vote against their economic interests by playing on racial prejudice and religious beliefs leftover from the Middle Ages.

The NRA operative will be at Jeb’s side 24/7 to insure firearms manufacturers are represented and to make sure Mr. Bush supports the right of every American to be killed by an accidental gunshot wound.

Although this will be the first time Mr. Bush has sought national office, it is by no means the first time he has used a short bus for transportation, and he looks forward to the trip with great glee.

“I just can’t wait to get out there and take the pulse of the American people so I can go to Washington and completely ignore it,” said an excited Mr. Bush. “I really want to do for the whole country what I did for the great state of Florida!”

God help us all.

 

 

 

Rogue Bear Wipes Out Hunting Party In Maine

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what Maine Department of Wildlife officials are calling the worst example of black-on-white crime in the history of the state, a large male bear has attacked and devoured a hunting party in the northern portion of the state. Only one of the group of four hunters has lived to tell the tale. He is currently in hospital being treated for wounds to both hands and his scrotum, which was partially removed during the attack.

In an interview with Bloodthirsty Redneck Hunters Magazine, 48-year-old Ronald Dullard said that the bear lured the hunters into deathtrap from which there was practically no escape.

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The unfortunate group of hunters posed for this photo shortly before they set off on their ill-fated expedition.

“We were walking through the woods just chatting and recounting past adventures in which we had slaughtered innocent deer and moose when we noticed what appeared to be a case of Budweiser sitting on a card table in the middle of a clearing,” said Dullard. “We did what any group of well-armed red-blooded American males would do and sat down and began to drink.”

What the group did not know was that they were being observed from a nearby tree stand by a very angry and agitated 600 lb black bear, bent on revenge for the wanton slaughter of his family the year before.

“As we began to fill up on this beer and nature took its course, Joe Bob got up to take a piss,” said Dullard. “He had just disappeared behind this large tree when we heard all this screaming. Turns out he had stepped into a large steel trap cleverly concealed behind the tree. We all got up to help and that’s when all hell broke loose. Billy Joe fell into a punji pit, Bobby Frank was snared and left hanging by one foot upside down, and I have to admit I was just frozen in fear, not knowing what the hell was going on.”

It was then that Dullard saw the bear calmly descend from the tree stand and slowly approach him with what seemed like a smile on his face.

“I was so scared I couldn’t move,” said Dullard. “I watched in horror as this renegade bear disemboweled my friends one by one.”

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Dullard became somewhat of a celebrity in the mid-nineties when he posed for Overweight Redneck Assholes With Guns Magazine

After the bear dispatched the immobile hunters he sauntered over to where Dullard stood wetting his pants and explained to him that unfortunately he was going to have to remove his fingers so that he would never hunt again.

“I pleaded with the bear that I had a wife and two kids that depended on me for food, but he was unmoved,” said Dullard. “He told me I should have thought of that before I came into his neighborhood bent on killing anything that moved.”

The bear then gnawed off a good portion of Dullard’s hands, and as an afterthought took a huge bite out of him in the groin area.

“The bear told me he didn’t want me to sire anymore cowardly hunters that would terrorize future generations of his offspring,” said Dullard. “Then he let me go and told me tell anyone who would listen to stay the fuck away from his patch or they would get the same treatment. It was horrifying.”

Dullard is expected to make a full recovery except for the fact that he will now have to be fitted with prosthetic hands and will have to sit down to urinate.

Investigators sent to the scene confirmed Dullard’s story down to the last detail. They found a sign written in blood and nailed to a nearby tree that read “KEEP OUT-NO FUCKING HUNTING OR I’LL GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASS.”

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When last seen, the bear in question was resting comfortably at home. It seems he needed a nap after such a large and tasty meal.

Katie Hansberry, director of Mainers For Fair Bear Hunting, a group fighting to ban the baiting, trapping, and hounding of black bears, said it was high time the bears starting fighting back.

“I could not be more pleased with this turn of events,” said Hansberry. “For years lazy-ass cowardly hunters have put out bait to attract bears, trapped them in horrific steel traps reminiscent of medieval torture devices, or treed them with packs of dogs before filling them full of lead. It’s inhumane and has to be stopped.”

“It’s high time these insecure balless wonders got a taste of their own medicine. I hope every bear in North America joins in and fights for his or her right to live a happy life free from these savages. Just because a dude has a small penis it’s no damn excuse for him running around the woods on weekends murdering innocent wildlife. Screw ’em!”

Maine wildlife officials have no plans to go after the rogue bear at this time, but have taken the precaution of shortening the hunting season this year. The move has not raised any complaints from the bear hunting community because the last thing the cowards want is to put their own asses on the line by going anywhere they may feel the least bit threatened.

 

 

 

Hunting Accidents Rise As IQs Decline

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As hunting season begins all across America, hundreds of thousands of sexually insecure men with firearms are flooding ever-dwindling wildlife management areas in an effort boost their sagging self esteem by murdering innocent mammals.

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Bobby “Buck” Churcheson is president of the North American Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League

The resulting chaos is predictable; terrified animals fleeing the dullards firing at anything that moves, an increase in automobile accidents caused by deer crossing busy highways in an effort to escape, and thousands of hunters and non-hunters alike becoming victims of gunshot wounds, many of them fatal.

One wonders what satisfaction these savages derive from inflicting a horrible and painful death upon these poor animals, but at least we can take solace in the fact that more and more hunters are removed from the gene pool each year by their own hands, and that should make the women of America happy, as a small penis and shrunken testicles are not exactly in high demand.

One citizen who is overjoyed by the alarming rise in gunshot fatalities in the U.S. is Bobby “Buck” Churcheson, president of the Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League.

“We have been protesting the murder of our fellow ungulates for decades,” said Churcheson. “Ever since it became apparent that these hunter types no longer needed us for food but were just killing us for sport, we have been telling anyone who will listen that what these dim wits need is counseling, not hunting licenses. Anyone who derives pleasure from going out and inflicting pain on a defenseless animal is a truly sick individual.”

Although Churcheson admits that Homo sapiens as a species is undoubtedly the pinnacle of evolution and natural selection, he makes it clear that something is clearly missing from the giant human pre-frontal cortex.

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Hunters and firearms enthusiasts are rarely seen playing chess or reading scholarly works. They are clearly in need of some sort of remedial education. Churcheson hopes that a charity can be founded to help them overcome their insecurity and channel their energy into more enlightened pursuits, like wildlife rescue.

“Something went wrong somewhere, that much is obvious,” said Churcheson, as he chewed on some unidentified plant matter.

“You guys run around sawing off each others heads and bombing brown people by the thousands in the name of religion. You have polluted the planet almost to the point of no return, and you treat half of your citizens like dirt. And what’s with this fracking shit? Even a fucking wild hog could tell you that it’s not a good idea to force poison into the earth under high pressure and expect nothing bad to happen. I mean, what are you humans thinking?”

Churcheson does not expect a change in attitudes among most human beings, but he has an optimistic outlook on the future nonetheless.

“You hominids have only been around for few minutes in geologic time. You’ll fade away and go extinct soon enough, and the earth will recover. In the meantime we at the League can only hope that more and more hunters will come to the realization that no matter how many animals they murder in cold blood, their dicks are not going to get any bigger than they already are.”

NRA Advocates Open Carry Permits For The Blind And Mentally Deranged

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CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.

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Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.

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If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.

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Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”

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An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.