North Korea Threatens Sea Of Japan With More Missile Strikes

 

SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.

“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”

As of this afternoon the Sea of Japan has not publicly responded to the threat.

Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.

As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.

“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”

 

North Korea Fires Four More Missiles Into The Fucking Ocean

 

TOKYO – North Korea fired four ballistic missiles early Monday morning in what Japan’s leader described as “an extremely dangerous action.”

A fifth missile failed to launch, a US official told CNN.
Military authorities in South Korea, Japan and the United States all confirmed the launch of four projectiles, which traveled almost 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) towards the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea. One US official said they were believed to be North Korea’s newest intermediate-range missiles, known as Long Schlong III’s.
Jeffrey Lewis, director of the US-based East Asia Nonproliferation Program, told CNN the North Koreans’ recent behavior was the sort “you see from a state that can’t find its ass with both hands.”
“They keep launching missiles into the fucking ocean,” said Lewis. “God knows what the fuck they’re aiming at. So far they’ve only proved they’re a threat to sea creatures or the occasional unlucky trawler.”
The launches were hailed as great achievements by North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, who told the North Korea Central News Agency that “Test great success. We hit ocean. Many fish now dead.”
The North Korean government celebrated the successful launch by issuing 25 extra calories in the form of stale bread to every citizen not currently engaged in slave labor at one of the nation’s many concentration camps.
The crew of the missile that failed to launch will be executed later today.

North Koreans Fuck Up Again

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SEOUL – (CT&P) North Korea failed to launch two intermediate-range ballistic missiles on Thursday, the South Korean Defense Ministry said, adding to a string of unsuccessful weapons tests in the past two weeks.

The first attempted launch of the powerful Musudan missile crashed into the sea seconds after ignition. Hours after that attempt, North Korea fired another missile of the same type but that test also failed, the ministry said.

Thursday’s attempts bring the total failures in launching the Musudan — one of the North’s most powerful missiles deployed or under development — to three in the past two weeks, according to South Korean officials.

The successive failures are a potential embarrassment for North Korea’s obese and highly unstable leader, Kim Jong-un, just days before a rare congress of his ruling Workers’ Party, the North’s biggest political meeting in decades.

Pentagon officials said that the string of failures highlighted the fact that the North Koreans are a bunch of fucking morons that couldn’t find their asses with both hands.

USAF General Buck Turgidson told CNN that the North Koreans were “a race of idiots” who have trouble understanding how to operate a wheelbarrow properly, much less a rocket.

“You just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys can,” said Turgidson. “I really don’t understand why everyone is so worried about those people. Sure the Musudan is a powerful missile, but the biggest threat it poses is to the assholes who try to launch it. The last one spun around like a drunken sea-gull, crashed into the viewing stands, and killed over 100 North Korean generals. I mean fuck!”

Sources within the South Korean intelligence community say that North Korea is expected to try to launch another missile tomorrow after the proper number of army officers and technicians are eaten alive by ravenous Alsatians or executed with anti-aircraft artillery.

 

North Korea Running Out Of Missiles To Launch Into The Fucking Ocean

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – In a memo distributed to media outlets, South Korea’s National Intelligence Service stated that it believes that North Korea is running low on its supply of functional rockets and missiles because they have launched so many into the Sea of Japan lately.

“We believe that the North has only about a dozen missiles left in its arsenal at this point because it has insisted on acting like an overgrown starving child and has been launching them right and left into the closest body of water available,” said the press release.

“The North’s idiotic actions over the last few weeks has left it with a small number of ballistic missiles which it could use to attack us, which is a good thing. However, we would like to stress that the despotic regime still represents a very real threat to any country that has progressed past the nineteenth century.”

The memo went on to outline a frightening scenario in which North Korea could send a wave of World War II era Russian T-34 tanks accompanied by millions of starving farmers with clubs in an attempt to take over the South and get something to fucking eat for a change.

“We can never allow our guard to drop,” concluded the memo, “you never know what those crazy fucks will do next.”

North Korean Leader Urinates On Demilitarized Zone

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – This morning North Korean Dear Beloved Large-Bladdered Vivacious Leader Kim Jong-un began a mission to “mark his territory” as a “show of strength and endurance” after launching another series of malfunctioning rockets and missiles into the sea this week.

The thoroughly unbalanced pudgy cretin who leads a country of starving peasants and nervous-as-fuck totalitarian generals vowed to walk along the entire length of the 160 mile-long heavily militarized border with South Korea, urinating as he went.

Kim told a cadre of shaking, sweaty reporters that he intended to show the American and South Korean “pig dogs” just who was boss on “this God-forsaken peninsula.”

“The imperialist swine are conducting military exercises intended to frighten us and prepare the way for an invasion so they can steal the vast riches we have worked so hard to amass,” said the murderous dunderhead.

“We will not be intimidated,” said the porcine imbecile as he slurped up an extra-large lard smoothie.

Korea watchers and Pentagon officials told CNN that Kim probably felt like he had to initiate the “pissing contest” when two more of his missiles went awry yesterday during yet another test of North Korea’s inferior weaponry.

“They were attempting to test two of their new medium range missiles, the Longdong II, which was designed to hit targets in the United States,” said Air Force General Buck Turgidson.

“But one just fell into the Sea of Japan, which is practically overflowing with their fucking low tech gadgetry from earlier tests. The other streaked straight up into the stratosphere and according to NASA is on its way out of the solar system. Will these idiots never give up?”

According to General Turgidson the hapless North Koreans also tested a new “super secret” rocket called the Vulgarian I, a short, stubby weapon shaped like a Vienna sausage which, according to the general, is all bluster and no substance.

“The Vulgarian I is completely full of shit,” said Turgidson. “Its only purpose is to scare and intimidate the poorly educated into doing the launcher’s bidding.”

Mr. Kim is expected to complete his journey sometime next month, by which time the joint U.S.-South Korean military exercises will be over, and the dehydrated dictator can get back to eating cheese and executing extended family members with Alsatians and anti-aircraft guns.

 

 

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Calls Missile Tests ‘Resounding Success’

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PYONGYANG – (CT&P) – Dear Attractive Benevolent Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed today that this week’s short-range missile tests a “resounding success.” A pair of advanced (for North Korea) Tinyschlong-2 missiles were launched from a secret base just outside the capital and crashed into the Sea of Japan just off the coast.

“Our target was the Sea of Japan, and by God we hit it,” said the Dearest Beloved Athletic Well-Hung Leader. “We will use our superior technology to crush all you capitalist pig-dogs in the mother of all battles.”

The pudgy lunatic declined to state when the battle would take place, but said it would sometime “real soon.”

Kim watched the tests from a rowboat powered by serfs chosen at random from among the starving populace.

The murderous asshole dictator was also on hand to watch a missile launch from a submerged submarine go awry when it circled lazily around in the air and then streaked off towards China.

The entire crew of the sub was later executed using anti-aircraft guns and hungry Alsatians.

After the massacre Kim told the malnourished North Korean press corps that although he does intend on turning the entire peninsular into a giant radioactive cauldron of death, he looked forward to dealing with Donald Trump after this year’s U.S. presidential election.

“We have a great deal in common and I’m sure we’ll be able to work together,” said Kim, as he sentenced 11,000 innocent civilians to life sentences in concentration camps along the Chinese border.

 

North Korea’s Latest Missile Test Deemed “Resounding Success” By Dear Beloved Graceful Athletic Leader

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C.  (CT&P) -According to a South Korean defense official, who requested anonymity lest he be “disappeared” by spies, North Korea launched three short-range ballistic missiles Wednesday morning in a continuation of a recent series of missile and rocket test launches. The missiles were aimed “in the general direction of Los Angeles,” but because the missiles only had a range of about 300 miles, Pentagon officials did not feel that the tests constituted much of a threat.

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Kim took time to view an Army-Navy pickup basketball game and lingerie fashion show after the test with Minister of Culture and Body Art Dennis Rodman

The missiles, presumed to be part of the ridiculously unreliable Scud series, were fired from southwest Hwanghae province and flew across the country. One of the missiles tumbled harmlessly into the sea, while another took out a North Korean fishing vessel and its entire crew. The third missile flew in lazy circles slowly gaining altitude before changing course and plunging into a large crowd of civilian “volunteers” drafted to observe the glorious test from nearby grandstands.

So far there are no estimates as to how many starving civilians were vaporized.

North Korea has conducted an unusually large number of test-firings of missiles, artillery and rockets since earlier this year. South Korean officials have confirmed about 90 such firings by North Korea since Feb. 21 and 10 of them have been ballistic launches, according to Seoul’s Defense Ministry.

Guard dog,  Alsation, aggressive dog, Alsation guard dog barking and straining at the leash. Image shot 2010. Exact date unknown.

Pentagon officials suggested that Kim might have more success with his missile program if he did not insist on feeding his engineers to starving Alsatians after every failed test

Analysts theorize that the North’s missile and rocket launches are a message to its neighbors and Washington not to interfere in its buildup of nuclear bombs and other defense capabilities. However, another series of launches this spring have been confirmed to be the result of  Supreme Beloved Beautiful Well-Endowed Gracious Leader Kim Jong-un’s continuing struggle with irritable bowel syndrome, so no one is ready to say for sure just what the fuck the North Koreans are up to.

“We never really know why they conduct these idiotic tests,” said an anonymous South Korean general. “It seems like the only way these morons know how to express themselves is through rocket launches and attacks on South Korean fishing trawlers. It’s really embarrassing.”

According to officials in the Ministry of Tourism and Medieval Torture, the Dear Beloved All-Knowing Sympathetic Graceful Optimistic Leader enjoyed a dinner of stewed goat and Tsingtao beer with three of his wives in order to settle his stomach after the failed test.

The next series of tests is scheduled for early August, assuming the defense ministry can find any engineers who are not suffering from radiation poisoning.