Tips For Surviving Your Summer Vacation

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GAINESVILLE – (CT&P) – The large number of shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina in recent weeks naturally has the vacationing public nervous about entering the water during their yearly vacations this summer. However, some common sense precautions can help you or a loved one from becoming a meal for a hungry shark while you visit the superheated waters just off the tourist trap hellhole you’ve chosen to visit during your brief once-a-year break from your soul crushing job that is leading nowhere.

While the odds of being attacked remain small even in the shark infested waters off North Carolina, you can minimize them further by heeding a list of survival tips compiled by George H. Burgess of the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History, the University of Florida.

•           Always stay in tightly packed groups of 50 to 100 individuals, and move around like a herd of zebras as this confuses most sharks. Man-eaters are much more likely to attack a solitary individual or one who is sick or wounded. Always keep elderly people and children at the outer edges of the group as they can be used to hold the shark’s attention while the herd reaches safety on the beach.

•           Do not wander too far from shore—this isolates you and additionally places you far away from assistance when one of your limbs is torn off and the water around you turns crimson.

•           Avoid being in the water between the hours of midnight and 6 A.M. after drinking all night. These are the hours when sharks are most active and have a competitive sensory advantage because it’s fucking dark and you are blind drunk.

•           Do not enter the water if you have just severed an artery, are losing blood because of huge tumors in your colon, are menstruating to beat the band, or have running sores all over your skin caused by a virulent form of venereal disease picked up on your last trip to southeast Asia—a shark’s olfactory ability is acute.

•           Wearing shiny jewelry such as your $10,000 Rolex or diamond rings is discouraged because the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales. It’s a much better idea to leave these dangerous items on your beach towel.

•           Avoid swimming in waters with known effluents or raw sewage and those being used by sport or commercial fishermen, especially if there are signs of bait fishes or feeding activity. Diving seabirds are good indicators of such action. It’s always a good idea to avoid lounging around in waters filled with chum, fish blood, or the remains of last week’s shark attack victims.

•           Sightings of porpoises do not indicate the absence of sharks—this is reality, not Flipper, you fuckwit.

•           Use extra caution when waters are murky and avoid uneven tanning and bright-colored clothing—sharks see contrast particularly well. It’s always best to sunbathe and swim nude, especially if you are a healthy young woman between the ages of 18 and 24.

•           Refrain from excess splashing and beating the water while screaming “I don’t want to die!” over and over again. Do not allow pets in the water because of their erratic movements-Fido makes a tasty snack for a 12 foot Great White.

•           Exercise caution when swimming in areas with nicknames like “Bloody Bay”, “Carnage Cove”, “Dismemberment Beach”, and “Abattoir Shores.” Avoid resort cities with an inordinate number of prosthetic surgeons in the phone book.

•           Do not enter the water if sharks are known to be present, you idiot.  Evacuate the water if you see a swarm of sharks approaching you, even if they appear friendly. If you do encounter a shark up close, don’t harass or hurl epithets at him. Sharks are sensitive and may react violently to unwarranted criticism.

Dr. Burgess says that the only way to be absolutely sure of avoiding an attack is to stay away from the fucking water. However, if you follow the simple rules outlined above you’ll greatly reduce the odds of being eaten alive or losing a limb while enjoying the one time per year you get to forget that life is just a series of depressing events that lead inevitably to your death.

Bull Shark Suspected Of Practicing Medicine Without A License

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CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Medical Board has opened an investigation into the actions of a bull shark and part-time physician who amputated the limbs of two kids swimming in waist deep waters off Oak Island, 30 miles south of Wilmington on Sunday.

Authorities in North Carolina suspect the shark of practicing medicine without a proper license and failure to pay proper fees before performing surgery within the state.

The physician in question, Dr. Carcharhinus Leucas, has long been in the habit of performing impromptu surgeries on individuals who use North Carolina beaches for recreational activities.

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For years patients have complimented Dr. Leucas on the comfort of his waiting room which is kept at a comfortable 77 degrees Fahrenheit.

Although most residents of Oak Island speak of Dr. Leucas in glowing terms, he has been sued for malpractice three times by patients who were unhappy with the results of his treatment.

“Dr. Leucas has acted with reckless abandon in this instance,” said North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory. “We’re not so much concerned with the quality of his care but more with his failure to pay the proper fees and his unwillingness to purchase liability insurance.

“He supposedly has a medical degree from some country down in the Caribbean,” said the governor. “But that doesn’t mean he can just operate on anyone he wants to whenever they enter the water. We can’t just let anyone run around and practice medicine in this state unless they pay us the proper confiscatory fees beforehand.”

“If Dr. Leucas wants to continue to operate, he’s going to have to pay us off just like every other professional. Here in North Carolina the only people we let run around and do whatever they want are the fine folks from Duke Energy. They can do no wrong.”

“Typhoid” Tillis Shocks Supporters By Refusing To Wash His Hands Before Devouring An Infant At Fundraiser

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. (CT&P) – Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) shocked a group of his supporters last night at a fundraiser in Lizard Lick, just outside of Raleigh. The fundraiser was held Joe Bob’s Pit Barbecue, a fine dining establishment famous for its pulled pork plates, lip-smacking ribs, and tender smoked toddler.

In an apparent attempt to make a point about deregulation of hand-washing requirements for restaurants,Tillis refused to wash his hands before devouring a newborn child fresh out of the smoker.

“The government has no business telling me how clean and sanitary I ought to be,” said Tillis, as he chewed on the tasty infant. “It’s high time we got public officials out of the business of public health!”

Supporters and employees stared in disbelief as he continued to consume the child before having made sure his hands were clean.

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Senator Tillis’ next fundraising stop is at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina

“I could not believe my eyes,” said Myrtle Mulesweat from Bat Cave. “I would never eat a baby without first washing my hands. It’s disgusting!”

Billy Bob Bullsmegma of Syphilis Falls agreed: “He shore as hell ain’t gettin’ my vote no more. We may not have ‘lectric at my cabin but we always go down to the crick and wash up before dinner. Otherwise Mama would tan our hides!”

Tillis stirred up controversy earlier in the week by recounting a story from 2010.

“I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,'” he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.”

Since recounting this exchange Tillis has become the butt of jokes all over the internet and television, but he has taken all the criticism in stride.

“I firmly believe that people have the right to be as filthy as they want, and that goes for whoever is serving you your food as well,” said Tillis. “The free market will take care of it, just like it does in West Africa. You don’t see a bunch of stormtrooper health officials interfering with people’s lives over there, no sir!”

Tillis’ next fundraiser is scheduled to be held at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, owned and managed by Norman Dahmer. Norm’s specialty dish is human heart tartare.

GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

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Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

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Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

Politicians In North Carolina Hope Fracking Legislation Will Get Them Reelected While Decimating The Local Biosphere

North Carolina Governor McCrory attends a National Governors Association discussion during its Winter Meetings in Washington

Governor McCrory relates his vision of a poisoned North Carolina moonscape to oil and gas executives while on an all expenses paid vacation to Las Vegas last fall.

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Fed up and disgusted with the natural beauty and abundant wildlife in the region, North Carolina politicians have pushed a bill through the legislature that would allow fracking throughout the state. The bill was signed into law today by Republican Governor Pat “Scorched Earth” McCory.

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North Carolina Republicans hope that by poisoning the groundwater the state can obliterate troublesome wildlife and run off pesky tourists.

The Republican-led state legislature moved quickly last week to fast-track permits for fracking, in which rock formations are cracked and infused with chemical-laced water to extract natural gas.

The technology has led to a nationwide boom in domestic gas production, and North Carolina is believed to have untapped reserves of shale gas in a massive underground rock formation. In 2012, regulators estimated the state had 83 million barrels of natural gas liquids, or roughly a five-year supply for the state.

A 2012 North Carolina law cleared the way for fracking to begin, but called for a separate vote after rules were drafted to protect the environment. The new law allows permits to be issued without further legislative action two months after state regulations are completed, likely early next year.

The new law also expressly forbids local governments to ban fracking and makes it illegal to reveal just what the fuck kind of chemicals are being injected into the earth all over the state.

“We have watched and waited as other states moved forward with energy exploration, and it is finally our turn,” said Governor McCrory. “This legislation will spur economic development at all levels of our economy, not just the energy sector.”

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House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis hopes that the bill will help him become a U.S. Senator and make tracts of land available to store nuclear waste materials. “We need to follow in the footsteps of West Virginia. Those guys really know what they’re doing,” said Tillis.

“We sincerely hope that we can join other states that are rapidly poisoning their drinking water supplies and creating a blight on their landscapes with all those hideous fracking rigs,” continued McCory, whose gloved left hand began to exhibit a slight tremor. “I mean, the amount of gas we hope to recover is not that large, but the political benefits could be enormous, and we get to destroy some pristine environments and kill a lot of wildlife in the process. It’s a big ‘win-win-win’ for everyone involved!”

Fracking opponents say the drilling practice contaminates groundwater and air, among other problems. State Representative Pricey Harrison, a Democrat, said the extra vote required by the earlier law was a crucial safeguard.

“We promised the people of North Carolina we were not going to move forward with fracking until we have rules in place to protect the public health and the environment,” said Harrison. “This bill violates that promise.”

However, House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis, the Republican seeking to unseat Democratic U.S. Senator Kay Hagan this fall, said the change was needed to jump-start exploration in the state.

“We need to get the industry interested in doing the research and necessary steps to really determine the extent to which this is a viable industry in North Carolina,” Tillis said last week. “What we’re trying to do is provide certainty to the industry.”

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Governor McCrory has hired Russian company, Chernobyl Enterprises, Inc., to design and build a string of nuclear power plants from the Tennessee state line to the Atlantic Ocean. The plants are expected to generate vast quantities of electricity to surrounding states where former North Carolinians will be forced to flee.

“We hope that this new legislation will do for North Carolina what strip mining and mountain top removal has done for West Virginia,” said Tillis. “I don’t know about you, but I am sick to fucking death of seeing postcards of breathtaking mountains views, beautiful streams, and gorgeous lakes. All they do is bring tourists into our state. What we really need is a few jobs that will last a couple of years until the supply of natural gas is used up. Then we’ll be left with some nice Superfund sites that will bring in some federal cash. Who knows, maybe we can even get some contracts to store spent nuclear fuel within some of our old national parks!”

The bill passed over protests from local governments and property owners all over the state who are concerned about the effects of fracking on fish and wildlife, as well as the state’s natural beauty.

When asked what happened to the old Ronald Reagan Republican Party that wanted to return power to local government, Governor McCrory replied, “Listen, politics today is ruled by cash, and cash only. The Supreme Court made sure of that. We politicians have one major goal, and that’s reelection. To hell with everything else, and that damn sure includes the environment! Who gives a shit what this place looks like 50 years from now? I’ll be long dead by then.”

The legislature is also considering a variety of other job-friendly bills that would allow strip mining in western parts of the state, oil rigs within 500 yards of the state’s beaches, above ground nuclear testing in the Piedmont region, and a complete defoliation of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park using a mixture of Agent Orange and radioactive isotopes of caesium.