Weather Channel Warns Of Cannibalism In Wake Of Winter Storm

 

NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.

“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.

Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.

“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”

Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.

“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”

 

 

ISIS Unleashes Infamous Dumpster Bomber On U.S.

dumpster-1

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A massive manhunt began on Monday morning as the FBI announced the identity of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with weekend explosions in New York and New Jersey.

The identification of 28-year-old Ahmad Khan Rahami, a U.S. citizen born in Afghanistan, sparked a frenzied search around the region, as officials suggested that as many as four separate incidents could be linked, and may have been connected to an international network.

Mr. Rahami, known in his native Afghanistan as the “Corpulent Sheik,” is 5’6″ inches tall and weighs over 200 lbs. Rahami is well-known to intelligence sources in Kabul where he has destroyed or badly damaged over 300 dumpsters using explosive devices made from various cooking utensils.

dumpster2

At 5’6” and 200 lbs, Rahami is known in his native Afganistan as the “Corpulent Sheik.” His signature weapon is the common pressure cooker which he uses to cook all his meals. After each attack the nauseating stench of rancid goat flesh permeates the blast zone.

“Rahami should be considered armed and dangerous,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “The public should at all costs avoid loitering or passing out in dark, filthy alleys behind restaurants and bars.

“And most importantly, if anyone spots a chubby Afghan using a stepladder to wrestle a large unwieldy box or bag into a dumpster under the cover of darkness, they shouldn’t try to help him unless he’s a friend or acquaintance.

“This man is a savage and completely unpredictable,” continued the operative,”thanks to his patented ‘Pashtun Pressure Cookers’ he single-handedly ran Waste Management out of Kabul.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump was quick to condemn the bombings saying, “After that dumpster went up I saw thousands of Arabs cheering outside Clinton Campaign Headquarters over in Brooklyn. Those people just don’t have our values. They’re dirty and don’t appreciate a good trash receptacle.

“After I’m elected I promise no one will dare attack our big, beautiful dumpsters.”

BOWL-O-RAMA! Your Guide To Some of This Year’s More Obscure Bowl Games

Rose_Bowl,_panorama

SANTA ROSA BEACH-We here at the Times-Picayune get just as frustrated as anyone trying to maximize our football viewing pleasure while having to deal with pesky relative visits and archaic religious holidays. So we decided to post a guide to some of the remaining bowl games that peaked our interest. We have omitted the participant teams, times, and stations so that you can print out the guide and use it in the years to come. Please consult your local listings for broadcast times and networks. We have tried when possible to give locations, sponsors, and announcers.

December 31st:

  • The Astro-Bubonic Bowl-Houston, Texas  Sponsors: NASA/The Centers for Disease Control  Play by play: Ira Flatow
  • The Excellence in Broadcasting Misogynist’s Bowl-Miami Gardens, Florida  Sponsors: American Bullion and Lifelock Play by play: Rush Limbaugh Color commentary by Mr. Snerdley
  • The Voodoo-Induced Earthquake Bowl-Port Au Prince, Haiti  Sponsor: The Christian Right  Play by play: Pat Robertson Color commentary by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken)
  • The Duck Dynasty Homophobic Racist Bowl-West Monroe, Louisiana  Sponsor: A&E  Play by play: Phil Robertson Color commentary by Alec Baldwin

January 1st:

  • The Second Amendment Automatic Weapons Bowl-Fairfax, Virginia  Sponsor: The National Rifle Association Play by play: Wayne La Pierre  Color commentary by George Zimmerman
  • The Wingnut Conspiracy Theory Bowl-Salt Lake City, Utah  Sponsor: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon)  Play by play: Glenn Beck  Color commentary by Steve Stockman
  • The British Petroleum Environmental Disaster Bowl-New Orleans, Louisiana  Sponsor: BP  Play by play: James Carville  Color commentary by Anderson Cooper
  • The Fukushima Genetic Mutation Bowl-Tokyo, Japan  Sponsor: Tokyo Electric Power  Play by play: Former Prime Minister Naoto Kan  Color commentary by Godzilla

January 2nd:

  • The Victoria’s Secret Implant Bowl-New York, New York  Sponsors: Allergan Natrelle and Mentor MemoryGel  Play by play: Salvatore Ferragamo Jr  Color commentary by Hugh Hefner
  • The Viagra-Cialis Erectile Dysfunction Bowl-Groton, Connecticut  Sponsor: Pfizer  Play by play: Michael Douglas  Color commentary by Charlie Sheen  CAUTION: Be sure to consult a physician if this game goes into overtime.

January 3rd:

  • The Sudafed Methamphetamine Bowl-Fort Washington, Pennsylvania  Sponsor: McNeil Laboratories, a Division of Johnson and Johnson  Play by play: Alex Gorsky  Color commentary by Michele Leonhart
  • The Florida Department of Corrections Incarceration Bowl-Tallahassee, Florida  Sponsor: The Florida Lottery  Play by play: Governor Rick Scott  Color commentary by George Zimmerman (we wish)

January 4th:

  • The Perazzi 28 Gauge Over and Under Bowl-Corpus Christi, Texas  Sponsors: Perazzi and Browning  Play by play: Dick Cheney  Color commentary by Harry Whittington
  • The American Family Neo-Fascist Bowl-Tupelo, Mississippi  Sponsors: The Tea Party/Hobby Lobby  Play by play: Tim Wildmon Color commentary by Bryan Fischer
  • The Very Excellent Laid-Back and Stress Free Bowl-Boulder, Colorado  Sponsor: NORML Play by play: Phil Lesh  Color commentary by Dr. Tim Leary (from the Great Beyond)

January 5th:

  • The Organophosphate Nerve Agent Bowl-Damascus, Syria  Sponsor: The Russian Republic  Play by play: Bashar al-Assad  Color commentary by Vladamir Putin
  • The Cruz-Bachmann Bowl For the Mentally Challenged-Stillwater Minnesota or Waterloo, Iowa  Sponsor: The Tea Party  Play by play: Senator Ted Cruz  Color commentary by Representative Michele Bachmann
  • The Benghazi Conspiracy and Cover-Up Bowl-Benghazi, Lybia Sponsor: Fox News  Play by play: Sean Hannity  Color commentary by Hillary Clinton

And the “grandaddy of them all” on January 8th:

  • The Obamacare DEATH PANEL Bowl-Washington, D.C. Sponsor: healthcare.gov  Play by play: Kathleen Sebeleius Color commentary by Satan, Prince of Darkness

Unfortunately a few bowls had to be canceled this year:

  • The Chevron Global Warming Bowl-The North Pole (Canceled due to inclement weather)
  • The Compassionate Conservative Bowl-Washington, D.C. (Canceled because of low attendance)
  • The Keith Olbermann Miscreant Bowl-New York, New York (Canceled due to low ratings)

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune hope that this guide helps you in your quest to view or record as many football games as possible during the holiday season. Of course we believe that American football cannot compare with the beautiful game as played in the Barclay’s Premier League. We highly recommend it.