Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

 

Something Stupid This Way Comes: Jeb Unveils Five Year Plan For Economic Nirvana

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MANCHESTER, N.H. – (CT&P) – GOP frontrunner Jeb Bush unveiled his subjugation-based economic plan yesterday during an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader, the first-in-the-nation primary state’s most read paper.

The plan, dubbed Prosperity Through Oppression, calls for poor people to work longer hours, reduce their caloric intake, and move to hovels located along railroad right-of-ways so that large corporations and wealthy Americans can make more money.

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Jeb is said to have come up with his economic plan during a late night tequila-shooting session with his brother “W”

The theory is that when the rich get more money in their hands they will invest it in new companies that will provide subsistence level jobs for America’s poor and the rapidly dwindling middle class.

“It’s a win-win,” said Bush. “The less fortunate will be able to get off their lazy asses and work 18 hours per day while living on a diet of cheap carbohydrates and fat, foods that the wealthy in this country tend to avoid. If we can limit their caloric intake to around 800 calories a day, well then they’ll lose unwanted pounds, be healthier, and save us a ton of money on medical expenses while building a better society for the 1%.

Labour Force Work Under Difficult Conditions To Complete Commonwealth Games

Bush’s plan calls for 100% employment of poor people down to age five, thus freeing up time for the 1% to boost the economy by purchasing luxury goods

“Research done by scientists in Germany has proven that people can work up to 20 hours per day with very little sleep or food and still be productive,” continued Bush. “Now we Republicans aren’t scientists, in fact most of us aren’t even capable of critical thought, but I think in this case they’re right because their conclusions coincide with our archaic economic policies.”

When asked how his plan differed from his closest rival Donald Trump’s, Bush explained that Trump inherited his money and had no clue how to build a business like the Bush family did.

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Bush said that economic research has proven that long hours combined with low caloric intake can boost the economy by as much as 4%

“Trump’s plan is clearly bigoted,” said the “intelligent” Bush. “He wants to build a wall and liquidate all the Mexicans who try to get over it, while deporting any Hispanics currently living in the United States, thus freeing up jobs for white people. My plan treats everyone equally. We intend to work all poor people into an early grave regardless of their race, creed, or color.

“We have to remember that America’s premier intellectuals recommend a combination of trickle down economics combined with stone-age austerity when things start to slow down. If you don’t believe me just go to Brietbart or The Blaze and read up on it like I did.”

When asked what he would do with trash that refused to work 90-100 hour weeks, Bush said that they would be rounded up and placed in camps surrounded by concertina wire and German Shepherds.

“If nothing else they can make bullets and proximity fuses that we’ll need once we invade Iran,” said Bush.