God Fucking With Haiti Again

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PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – As part of an ongoing jihad on the people of Haiti, God has sent powerful Hurricane Matthew to drown as many innocent people as possible and set up favorable conditions for outbreaks of typhus, dysentery, and mosquito-borne illnesses such as malaria, West Nile virus, yellow fever, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, and of course Zika.

Jehovah surrogate Pat Robertson told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that the Almighty Creator of the Universe also hoped that there would be extensive damage to an already decimated infrastructure followed by a shortage of food and potable water which would precipitate sporadic outbreaks of violence leading to even more deaths.

“The Good Lord was just not satisfied with the 2010 earthquake,” said a drooling Robertson, who is thought to be about 112 years old. “Sure, he murdered around 175,000 men, women, and children, but as he said at the time, he was ‘just getting started.'”

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Not satisfied with crushing to death over a hundred thousand innocent Haitian men, women, and children back in 2010, God has sent Hurricane Matthew to “really fuck up” the island nation.

Blitzer asked Robertson why God hated Haitians so much that he was willing to kill babies in their cribs and drain innocent people of their precious bodily fluids until they died horrible deaths while lying in their own filth.

“Well, Haitians are a bunch of voodoo-worshiping negroes,” responded Robertson, as his head lolled to the right. “God is not that fond of black folks to begin with, and when you throw in all that voodoo shit it really pisses him off.”

Robertson went on to explain that after Haiti was destroyed, the hurricane will proceed to Cuba, where it will kill a bunch of godless commies, and ultimately end up wreaking havoc in Vermont, because it’s the home of Bernie Sanders, who is a fucking socialist.

Robertson also said that Hurricane Matthew will be followed up by hurricanes Mark, Luke, and John which will meander all over the Caribbean wiping out a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and Presbyterians, because God always hated John Calvin and “that stupid predestination thing.”

According to Robertson after the hurricane season is over God plans on getting back to murdering more of those idol-worshiping Nepalese.

 

 

Angry Judeo-Christian Deity Levels Kathmandu

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KATHMANDU, NEPAL – (CT&P) – A majorly pissed off Jehovah visited his wrath upon Nepal on Saturday in the form of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake centered approximately 50 kilometers to the northwest of Kathmandu, the capital.

Over 4,000 pagans are known dead, and the toll continues to rise as volunteers continue to dig through the debris of the unbeliever’s homes and heathen temples. Over one million idolatrous children are said to have been affected by the vicious and unfeeling act of God.

A senior official in Gorkha district, the location of the earthquake’s epicenter, told the AP he had heard reports of 70% of the blasphemer’s houses being destroyed.

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God is said to have been “a little ticked off” that the Nepalese parliament declared Nepal a “secular country” in 2006 and allowed religions other than Christianity to flourish

“Things are really bad in the district, especially in remote mountain villages,” Udav Prashad Timalsin said. “There are apostates who are not getting food and shelter.”

In the capital, water is becoming scarce and there are fears that sinful children in particular could be at risk of disease. Even residents of some of the city’s Republican upper class neighborhoods are sleeping on carpets and mattresses outside their homes.

Aid flights are coming in rapidly and in fact Kathmandu airport is running out of parking bays, so many aircraft are having to wait before getting permission to land.

At the Pashupatinath temple, one of the city’s oldest and most famous shrines to evil, cremations have been taking place since the morning. As the death toll rises, the authorities are keen on disposing of the bodies as quickly as possible to prevent a health hazard.

APTOPIX Nepal Earthquake

American pastors explained that if the pagan Nepalese had only repented and “walked with Jesus” maybe they wouldn’t be walking over a bunch of corpses now

Although seismologists have warned that a large quake was overdue in Nepal, American preachers were quick to jump in to explain that seismologists were scientists and therefore could not be trusted. They insist the earthquake had nothing at all to do with plate tectonics but was the direct result of the Nepalese adopting religious beliefs that differed from their own.

Pastor Tony Miano of California-based Unhinged Ministries said that God was tired of people not following the King James Bible to the letter and refusing to obey God’s instructions delivered by ex-cops and wealthy television evangelists. He tweeted that he hoped not a single pagan shrine would be rebuilt and the people of Nepal would repent and worship the “Baby Jesus” from now on.

“Those people with their wacked-out new age religion are an affront to God,” said Miano. “It’s no wonder that Jehovah got pissed off and flattened their cities. Those people are idol worshipers and they’re just downright evil. Especially the kids.”

Pat Robertson offered a more reasoned explanation for the widespread devastation and loss of life on his hit TV show The 700 Club. Robertson was asked by a caller “why God didn’t take out more of those unbelievers like he did them Haitians?”

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Pastor and unbalanced ex-cop Tony Miano explained to reporters that sometimes God kills in mysterious ways, and we shouldn’t question his judgement because he’s been wiping out cities and committing genocide for eons. “The people of Nepal should be damn grateful that the victims were merely crushed to death rather than being burned at the stake or boiled alive like they deserved,” he said.

Robertson explained that God killed a lot more Haitians because they had entered into a contract directly with Satan by practicing voodoo.

“Just sitting around meditating and making weird noises is not near as bad as sticking pins in dolls and wandering around covered in goat’s blood looking like a zombie,” said Robertson. “Our God is a just deity and he didn’t want to punish these uneducated sherpas as badly as he did those evil minions of Lucifer in Haiti. After all, God is love.”

The earthquake also wreaked havoc on Mount Everest where 18 climbers, including four Americans, were killed by an avalanche at Base Camp.

The Reverend Franklin “I used to do drugs and hang out but finally figured out that I could make big bucks preaching the Gospel” Graham told CNN that the deaths on Everest were a direct result of Americans placing adventure travel above staying home and supporting extreme right-wing politics.

“It’s just a tragedy that God had to take this extraordinary action, but maybe it will teach everyone a lesson,” said Graham. “Maybe people will come to their senses and devote their lives to preventing homosexuals from getting married and eliminating health insurance for the poor instead of running all over the world climbing mountains.”

Meanwhile in Nepal aid is pouring in from all over the planet as the area experiences multiple aftershocks. The death toll will no doubt continue to climb, but at least the rest of the world can take comfort from the fact that almost all of the victims were pagans destined to burn in the fires of Hell anyway.