Florida Lawmakers Jump On Secession Bandwagon As Wave Of Demonic Possession Spreads To Southeast

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Cretonia’s best and brightest made time to get out and join the protests

TALLAHASSEE (CT&P) – Members of the Florida state senate and house voted overwhelmingly to secede from the Union yesterday at an emergency session called by Governor and Aztec Snake God Rick Scott. The action was taken in response to the wave of Cosmos related demonic possessions currently sweeping the state.

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Spokesthing Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson of Toxic Cove, Florida told reporters that he was quite handsome before viewing two episodes of Cosmos

The possession and transformation of ordinary American citizens into characters from a Lovecraftian nightmare began in Oklahoma and has been spreading to other parts of the Bible Belt at “warp speed.”

Screenings of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new show are apparently causing a variety of mental disorders, weird behavior, and physical metamorphosis among children and weak-minded adults from Oklahoma City all the way to the outskirts of South Beach.

Right-wing religious zealots have been protesting en masse to try to get the show pulled from Fox’s lineup out of fear that all order will soon collapse and chaos will reign across the United States. However, since Fox has thus far refused to take the popular and informative show off the air, the “confederacy of dunces” has switched tactics and has begun pushing for secession.

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Michelle Lamprey of Sudafed Springs was a normal Florida housewife with three kids and a manageable weekend meth habit before Cosmos aired

A spokesman for the protestors, Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson, told reporters that “We are not gonna just stand by and see our archaic and outdated religious beliefs be questioned by some smarty-pants who thinks he knows everything just ’cause he went to college!”

“We think that secession from the Union would allow us to set up our own radio and television stations that we can tightly monitor and control just like in China or North Korea,” said Turd. “That way, if anyone says anything that disagrees with the Bible we can burn them at the stake or lash them to barges in the Mississippi until the heretics ‘see the light.’ We can always sink the barges as a last resort.”

Scientists from around the world are scrambling to try to come up with an explanation for such a weird reaction to a television show based on science and reason.

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Little Suzie Creamcheese was a cheerful and outgoing student at Sinkhole Middle School before watching Cosmos in science class. Now she lives in a shopping cart.

“A significant percentage of citizens in the Bible Belt are hypersensitive to any ideas hatched at any time after the Middle Ages,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, of the Banzai Institute in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “They prefer to go on believing that some unseen force controls the universe and we damn sure better worship it in order not to incur its wrath. It’s really weird.”

Dr Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems concurred, saying “We have long studied the habits and culture of the monkey-boys inhabiting this so-called ‘Bible Belt.’ We find their obstinate dedication to ancient ritual and belief in the supernatural quite amusing. It gives us Red Lectroids hope that one day we will indeed crush you humans and finally get our butts off this rock.”

The Obama administration is of two minds on the secession issue. On the one hand secession from the Union is clearly unconstitutional and could lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which would be bloody armed conflict. On the other hand many members of the administration and other politicians would be more than happy to see the State of Florida become someone else’s problem. At this point no federal action is likely to take place.

 

 

 

 

 

Christian Right Joins Forces With Animists And Luddites To Fight “Voodoo Science”

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Ross McMakin, a native of Panama City Beach, has been hired as DAFT’s spokesman

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – Answers in Genesis, the American Family Association, Hobby Lobby Inc., and a primitive Amazon rain forest tribe have joined forces to combat the lies and “Voodoo Science” being spread by Neil deGrasse Tyson on his show Cosmos. They will be joined by the Flat Earth Society, the Amateur Gynecologist’s League, and the Mississippi River Wideners Club in an all out fight against reason and science for the hearts and minds of the American people.

The new organization, known as DAFT, held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier last month to voice their concerns. The newly appointed spokesman for the group, Ross McMakin of Philomath, Oregon, explained the goals of the organization to an eager crowd of journalists from around the country.

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Chief Fred wowed journalists with a primitive version of PowerPoint in order to get his point across

“DAFT has been formed to fight the heretics around the world that want to teach our kids lies about the nature of the universe and the age of the earth,” said McMakin. “The teachers and scientists that promote Satanic ideas like evolution, the ‘Big Bang,’ and photosynthesis cannot be allowed to drown out the voices of blind faith and adherence to archaic value systems.”

McKakin took a swig of Rebel Yell and then continued, “We intend to stamp out the influence of science and societal progress wherever it rears its ugly head!”

McKakin then yielded the podium to “Fred,” chief of an Amazon rain forest tribe living in the remote jungles of Brazil. Fred’s tribe, dubbed the Luddites by the Brazilian press, has lived happily in the tangled “green hell” and fever-ridden swamps of triple-canopy rain forest for centuries.

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“Fred” took advantage of the trip to D.C. to jet over to East Africa and visit relatives and fellow animists at a seaside resort

The Luddites exist without any type of modern convenience except for two dozen pair of Michael Jordan sneakers that fell out of  the luggage compartment of a commercial aircraft during the 1980’s. They hunt, fish, and party the same way their ancestors did at the dawn of human civilization. The Luddites have a strict moral and religious code that is characterized by the worship of inanimate objects and the enthusiastic ritual sacrifice of any hominids that are not of their tribe.

Their life expectancy is roughly 26 years of age.

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“Fred” had a big change of heart after being exposed to modern technology. He is seen here only two weeks after the press conference addressing the U.N. on the problem of deforestation.

Although “Fred” could only communicate verbally with a complicated jumble of guttural grunts and high-pitched clicking sounds, he used a sand table and a stick to try to get his point across. “Fred” drew a picture of the earth circling the sun and then crossed it out and urinated on it. Then he erased the flawed conceptual piece and proceeded to draw the sun circling the earth. After he finished he smiled and grabbed his private parts while nodding his head up and down.

Journalists in attendance seemed to grasp the point “Fred” was making and were eager to ask questions of the newly appointed spokesman Mr. McMakin, since no one had the patience to wait around for another of “Fred’s” masterpieces.

A reporter from Skeptic Magazine asked McMakin, “Look, what I am curious about is that you folks reject the findings of scientists on several fronts such as the age of the universe, evolution, and climate change, but you are perfectly willing to use the tools that scientists have provided us with such as improved health care, computers, smart phones, etc. It seems you folks want to ‘cherry pick’ science for what is useful to you and your religion and trash the rest. Are you guys just insecure or what? What’s up with that?”

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Not everyone agrees with DAFT’s stance on science and technology. Chief Franklin of the “What’s Happening Now” tribe, who live in on the next block over from the Luddites, says Fred “is so full of shit his eyes are brown.”

At this point McMakin abruptly ended the press conference giving the excuse that he was late for a spousal abuse party and had to go pick up his girlfriend. “Fred” seemed willing to stay as he was enjoying the air-conditioned building and the free mimosas but the reporters expressed no further interest, so everyone left.

It remains to be seen what effect if any DAFT will have on public education or insightful and informative television shows such as Cosmos. As Thomas Huxley famously said:

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.