Taliban Accuses ISIS Of Recruiting Violations

Lawrence+Damascus

KABUL – (CT&P) – On Tuesday Afghan Taliban A&M warned ISIS recruiters to stay out of Afghanistan in a rare open letter to the NCAA and Islamic State University Athletic Department officials. The letter accused Islamic State of a variety of recruiting violations that included cash bribes, promises of gifts such as up-armored Cadillac Esplanades, rocket-propelled grenades, and guarantees of sex with dozens of young virgins if Afghan athletes would sign athletic scholarships with Islamic State University.

The Islamic Emirate — the Taliban’s name for Afghanistan — only allows the struggle “against foreign invaders to be under the leadership of Taliban A&M,” read the letter signed by the group’s athletic director and coordinator of infidel beheadings, Akhtar Mohammad Mansour. The letter was shared with NBC News and posted on the college’s Facebook page.

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Among other violations, ISIS recruiters are suspected of blowing up a Taliban University team train carrying players to an ethnic cleansing event at Helmand College in the Southwestern Conference.

“Jihadi groups across the Muslim world are all competing for the vast pool of dirt poor, uneducated, goat fucking raw recruits to bolster our offensive lines and backfields. We all need swift and strong running backs who can strap on suicide vests and punch holes in the infidel defense so our masses of dim-witted religious freaks can pour through and get down to some serious atrocities and abominations perpetrated on helpless women and children.

“Every university has their own sphere of influence and geographical area where they recruit. They each have their own organizational structure,” continued the letter, which was addressed to Islamic State Presidant Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “If your meddling in their affairs creates division, it will cause in bloodshed within these organizations.”

The lengthy statement was issued amid reports of deepening divisions within the Afghan Taliban Conference, with some university presidents supporting peace talks with Islamic State and others vowing to continue fighting until a clear regional champion was crowned.

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Islamic State Head Coach T. E. Lawrence points out weaknesses in the Taliban defensive line during a match played in the Tribal Regions in 2013.

In January, ISIS’ media arm declared Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan to be one region called the Khorasan Conference, prompting some athletes to pledge allegiance to the group.

According to the government of the eastern Nangahar Conference, around 100 families have been displaced by fighting among university recruiters in the last three weeks. About 150 running backs and wide receivers have been killed during that time, a spokesman for the NCAA told NBC News.

At this time the controversy shows no signs of letting up, and NCAA President Mark Emmert told NBC that “Until we come up with some sort of agreement with all the universities in the region regarding recruiting rules and regulations there is just no way to stop the bloodshed between universities. It’s going to be next to impossible to unite all these bloodthirsty religious assholes into a single, unified mass of seething hatred unless we get all this ironed out and come up with some sort of playoff system.”

Investigators Now Believe Coker Exposed To Lead Paint While At FSU

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – NCAA investigators revealed today that Alabama back-up quarterback Jacob Coker could have been exposed to lead-based paint during his time at FSU, which could account for his complete inability to understand even the most basic plays in Bama’s new offense.

The paint was found throughout the athletic dorm at Florida State, and was badly peeled in some places. Authorities believe that several athletes have been exposed over long periods of time and some may have even inadvertently consumed the paint on pizzas and other take-out foods eaten in the dorm.

“Well this finding really explains a lot,” said Lane Kiffin, Bama’s new offensive coordinator. “I mean Jesus, I can’t even signal in a simple hand off to a running back without getting that damn ‘deer in the headlights’ look from Jake. It’s getting really ridiculous, and Coach Saban is just about ready to rip my head off. This will provide us with an excellent excuse to move another QB into the back-up role.”

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The FSU coaching staff has been puzzled for some time now over Winston’s apparent obsession with crustaceans

Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher was also relieved upon hearing the news, as it may help to explain some of Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston’s bizarre and shocking off-field behavior.

“For a while now we thought Jameis was on some sort of weird drug that did not show up in our tox screens, or that he had some variation on Tourette’s syndrome that gave him the urge to shout sexual epithets while standing on tables in the student union,” said Fisher. “Now at least we can seek medical treatment for him. I tell you, the coaching staff is of sick worrying that he might steal more crustaceans or scream some sexual obscenity while in public.”

“We are taking bids to have the athletic dorm stripped and repainted over the Christmas holidays,” continued Fisher, “that way we can at least try to keep the criminal activity down to the manageable levels we are used to here at Florida State.”

Although Winston’s level of exposure is thought to be serious enough to warrant treatment, the FSU staff think he can continue playing and finish the season. However, Coach Saban is not so optimistic concerning Coker’s future at Alabama.

“I’m sorry but I don’t have the patience to deal with this idiot for one more minute,” said Saban. “I need a quarterback who can at least memorize five or six plays. If we don’t get Coker off the team soon, the NCAA may be investigating a wrongful death case here.”