Shocking New Revelations From Edward Snowden


MOSCOW-During his first annual Christmas special from a stylish dacha located just outside Moscow, Edward Snowden revealed what may be the most insidious of all the intrusive NSA spy programs.

The variety show, “A Very Snowden Christmas” was broadcast around the world on BBC Channel 4. It featured a Stoli chugging contest, a chess tournament in real-time, readings from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, and a viewing of the recent hit internet movie “Babushkas Gone Wild!”

However, the main event was Snowden’s three-hour rumination on the loss of privacy and its potential effects on society in the future. During this linguistic marathon Snowden casually mentioned what can only be described as a monstrous NSA program code-named “Satan’s Claws.”

The program has apparently been active for over four years. It seems that in a rare case of inter-agency cooperation, the FBI and NSA managed to coerce Santa Claus into gathering video and DNA evidence for use by the intelligence community. The program takes advantage of the notorious “sneak and peek” provision of the Patriot Act. Once per year on Christmas Eve, Santa snaps photos and records video of the interior of millions of American homes. He also takes mouth swabs from suspicious characters and “dissidents” while they sleep. The photos, videos and DNA samples are then entered in a huge database for possible use by government agencies at a later date.

When asked to define “dissident” for purposes of the program, Snowden said “You know dissidents, unsavory characters like liberals, members of the press, Hollywood types, basically anyone who votes Democrat.”

Snowden went on to say that at first Mr. Claus was very reluctant to participate in such a sinister program. However, when FBI agents showed Santa some old surveillance photos and threatened to expose him, he finally agreed to participate. Apparently the rumors about Santa and his Elves are true.

“A Very Snowden Christmas” turned out to be a huge hit in Russia where over 20 million homes tuned in on black and white television sets. Snowden closed the program by sliding down a pole with a vodka martini in his hand a la Dean Martin. He then strolled off the stage to the tune of the “March” from Prokofiev’s The Love of Three Oranges, with a gorgeous blonde on each arm.

Rand Paul Assaults National Intelligence Director James Clapper


Tea Party favorite Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky) appeared on CNN’s “The Infatuation Room” with Wolf Blitzer last night where he accused Director of National Intelligence James Clapper of lying to Congress and the American people.

Senator Paul, a confirmed plagiarist, told Blitzer that Clapper should resign for “lying” to a Senate committee in March. “He (Clapper) said that the NSA was not collecting any data on U.S. citizens.”

Paul continued, “When you’re doing this and when you have the ability to destroy people’s lives – you have the ability to actually kill people overseas – I would think that you really have to have the utmost trust. And I think he’s lost our trust by lying to us.”

Paul, who has been called “foul tempered” by some, became more and more agitated as the interview continued. “Look Wolf, lying to the American people, destroying people’s lives, killing innocent civilians overseas, hell, that’s Congress’s job, and I’m not letting some two-bit pompous ass bureaucrat move in on our turf! The American people simply won’t stand for it!”

Paul, who appeared to be hyperventilating, then excused himself from the interview. Upon returning to the “Green Room” to retrieve his belongings, he apparently found Clapper and an aide rifling his briefcase and planting a bug in his overcoat.

According to witnesses, Paul went berserk and repeatedly pistol-whipped  Clapper  about the head and neck with a pearl-handled revolver, a gift from the Lexington Chapter of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Clapper was taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital where he is recovering from his injuries. Although obviously unable to comment personally, Clapper’s office released the following statement:

“We sincerely regret the unfortunate incident at CNN’s Washington Bureau last night. Director Clapper bears no ill will toward Senator Paul, or any other politician, for that matter. Our job as policeman of the world is to protect and serve the American people, as long as they behave in a manner that we see fit. We hope that this regrettable event does not in any way impede the implementation of our new multiple-agency security program set to launch next spring.”

The program referred to in the statement is code-named “STASI”, and is a joint effort of the NSA, CIA, and FBI. It features, among other things, fully armed Predator drones patrolling the airspace over all 50 states. The “General Lee,” the first fully armed domestic drone, is set to start flight tests along the Texas-Mexico border in January. It will be equipped with NSA listening devices, long-range cameras with infrared capability, and of course two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-ground missiles.

Director Clapper has sincerely promised both Congress and the American people that the Predators would never in any circumstance be used on “law-abiding American citizens.”