Monsanto Finalizes Plans To Destroy All Life On Earth



ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.

The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.

“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.

“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.

When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.

“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”

One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.

“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”

When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”