Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Michele Bachmann To Be Launched Into Outer Space

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CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Former U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann will be launched into outer space in early June, according to anonymous sources within John Boehner’s office and officials from Space Exploration Technologies Company, the private corporation founded by billionaire Elon Musk. The ex-congresswoman from Minnesota will depart planet earth aboard a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket specifically tasked with placing Bachmann in a stable orbit around earth until sometime after the 2016 presidential election.

“The plan is to jettison Bachmann as soon as the Dragon spacecraft achieves near-earth orbit,” said Gwynne Shotwell, president and CEO of SpaceX. “She’ll stay there, in a stable orbit, for approximately 18 months, tethered to a supply capsule with enough oxygen and Tang to sustain basic bodily functions and a bare minimum of brain activity. She should be able to function in about the same manner as she does here on earth.”

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Bachmann will be supplied with enough oxygen and nutrients to barely survive the long and lonely assignment. Her regular prescription of anti-psychotic drugs will be dissolved in her drinking water.

When asked what Bachmann will be doing all that time, Shotwell said, “Not much. She’ll just spin around and around in empty space like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. We’re going equip her with communications equipment to report any anomalies she might encounter, but the whole idea of putting her up there is to make her shut her fucking mouth, so I doubt if anyone will be listening anyway.”

The idea of launching Bachmann into space originated in Speaker of the House John Boehner’s office. An aide to the speaker told CNN that Boehner and the Republican leadership had heard enough of her “kooky shit” to last a lifetime, and didn’t want “that crazy bitch” to screw up the GOP’s chances in the upcoming election.

Things apparently came to a head last week after Bachmann appeared on something called End Times Radio claiming President Obama was bringing about the end of the world by negotiating a nuclear treaty with Iran. She also raved on and on about “God’s time clock,” whatever the hell that is supposed to be.

As if she had not already appeared absolutely unhinged, Bachmann then claimed that Muslims have lusted after an atomic bomb for hundreds of years, apparently unaware that the damn things were invented during World War II.

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Bachmann will return to earth after the election via SpaceX’s floating platform that has proved so reliable in the past.

“The woman is clearly bat-shit crazy and there’s no telling what kind of black eye she could give our candidate in the upcoming election,” said the aide to Boehner. “We’re already having a hard enough time with Cruz, Huckabee, and Carson making it look like the whole party belongs on a mental ward. This election is just too damn important to screw up, so we decided to launch the bitch into space. We debated whether we could just drown her and claim she was a witch, but we decided that would be unethical even by our standards, so we settled on the space thing.”

Mrs Bachmann has been told that she will be performing a critical task for her country by circling the globe watching out for near-earth asteroids and other threats to the globe. She told Sean Hannity of Fox News that she could not be more delighted with the mission.

“Sean, I’m thrilled to be of service to my country and to Christians everywhere,” said Bachmann. “It’s a real honor that I will be the first human being to see the giant rock that Jesus is going throw at us to kick off the End Time festivities. I just can’t wait until the entire planet is consumed by war, famine and pestilence, and adults and children all over the world are immolated in the raging flames of God’s holy love. I think it’s great!”

Although SpaceX has no immediate plans for placing anyone else into orbit around the earth, Musk has voiced a desire to colonize LV-426, a planetoid 37 light years away in the binary star system Zeta Reticulli. Idiot politicians and pundits on both sides of the aisle are high on his list of potential expedition members.

 

 

 

New Research Pinpoints Origins Of Republican Party

gop-banner-612x300FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.

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The symbol of the dominant political party on Flores during the time of the “hobbits” was the mastodon. It apparently evolved over a period of time into the current GOP elephant.

The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.

The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary.  Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university.  While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.

Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.

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The diminutive size and small braincase of Homo floresiensis gave the “hobbits” a type of Napoleon complex that made them very insecure and resistant to change or progress of any kind. The very same traits can be found in Republican leaders today.

However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.

The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.

Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.

“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”

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The first clue that “hobbit” DNA may have been passed down to Homo sapiens was found in incoherent speech patterns and nonsensical statements made by current GOP leaders. “The same nonsense was spouted by “hobbit” political leaders 700,000 years ago, and someone had the good sense to write it all down on stone tablets,” said Professor Hikita

“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”

According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”

“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material  present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”

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“The similarities between today’s Republican leaders and Stone Age hominids is quite alarming,” said Hikita. “If we don’t do something to reduce their influence I think the country could be in big trouble.”

In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.

“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”

Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.

“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”

 

 

King Urges Jews To Quit Being So Antisemitic

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’

When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”

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King’s 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louis Gohmert convinced many Egyptians that a democratic form of government might not be such a good idea. The trip was later immortalized with the release of Disney’s animated film The Three Stooges Do Egypt

After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”

“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”

“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”

Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.

King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.

Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!'”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”

Experts Believe Bachmann Running Dangerously Low On Power

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Experts from several university research groups around the world are warning U.S. government officials that Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) may be rapidly approaching the end of her battery life. If this occurs, the researchers warn, Bachmann’s operating system will automatically switch over to emergency reserve power, which will only keep her body alive. What little brain function she has left will cease altogether, making her an unpredictable killing machine with the strength of a psychotic chimpanzee.

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Bachmann’s erratic behavior, crazy ideas, and terrifying facial expressions mirror those of earlier android models designed by East German scientists shortly after World War II

“This is what happens when ex-Nazis from the Soviet bloc throw together an android from used truck parts and old adding machines,” said Professor Stephen Roberts of the Department of Engineering Science, University of Oxford. “You get a barely functional robot that is a danger to all of humanity. Sure, she looks human on the outside, but her prefrontal cortex is little more than a jumble of loose wires, nuts, and bolts. What amazed us was that those crazy Americans could be so dense as to choose her to represent them in Congress.”

Although Bachmann has been highly erratic and shown little ability to reason throughout her political career, she was never thought to be a danger to those around her or the general public. Most people who heard her weird ideas and imbecilic statements just ignored her like they would a mentally challenged third-grader. That could change if her batteries totally fail and she switches to emergency power, according to Professor Roberts.

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Professor Roberts warned Pentagon officials that Bachmann could become a mindless killing machine not unlike the zombies on the Walking Dead

“She’s already showing signs of a complete mental shutdown,” said Roberts. “Last week she appeared before the House and claimed to be some kind of Biblical ‘lawgiver’ before starting a mad rant about Moses and John Boehner. Then, at a Christmas party over the weekend Bachmann begged your President Obama to incinerate Iran ‘just to be on the safe side.’ Only yesterday she appeared on the Laura “I Hate Children” Ingraham radio show foaming at the mouth about executive actions on immigration. I’m telling you, the woman is dangerous.”

“If this deranged individual’s batteries fail altogether, she could become a mindless killing machine with the strength of six men,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, who is in Oxford on loan from the Banzai Institute in New Jersey. “We are really keen to see what happens, so we can more accurately predict what is going to happen when other feeble-minded androids such as Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert lose power.”

Both professors recommended that for the safety of her family and the American public, Rep. Bachmann should be physically restrained and placed in a controlled environment so she could be observed around the clock.

When reached for comment on Bachmann’s recent ravings, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) remarked, “Look, I’m just glad that crazy bitch will no longer be my responsibility. Maybe I’ll be able to back off the smokes and scotch a little once she’s gone.”

 

 

Mad Scientist To Announce Candidacy For President

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon and current right-wing kook will announce his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination this weekend, according to his long-time aide and press secretary Igor.

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Dr. Carson’s longtime aide and press secretary Igor was the product of one of the unhinged physician’s early experimental surgeries.

At a press conference on the steps of Carson’s underground laboratory in rural Virginia, Igor told a group of reporters that Dr. Carson will release a 40 minute video that will outline his policy stances and beliefs so that voters will be able to “get to know him better.” Igor said that Carson hopes that those voters who are not taken aback, shocked, or downright terrified by what they see and hear on the video will go to the polls and support him during the Republican primaries.

Dr. Carson rose to fame within the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party after an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast during which he compared Obamacare to slavery, showing a grasp of American history roughly equivalent to that of an average house cat.

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Dr. Carson is a charter member of the creepy group of idiots that think human beings once walked side-by-side with dinosaurs.

Dr. Carson, who does not believe in evolution, is a strong supporter of the group of raving lunatics who support “Young Earth” creationist theory, a concept with absolutely no scientific fact to back it up. Carson has also referred to abortion as “human sacrifice,” and has compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia.

Carson also wants to abolish Medicare and Medicaid, replace welfare with private charity, and institute a flat income tax, presumably because Jesus was such a strong critic of the poor and less fortunate.

Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker phoned Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey for more insight into Dr. Carson’s troubled psyche.

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Not all of Carson’s surgeries were considered successful. Americans are still suffering the results of his attempt to provide Representative Louie Gohmert (seen here on right) with a bride of roughly equal intelligence

“Anyone with a fully functional pre-frontal cortex will no doubt be shocked and disgusted with Carson’s vision of America,” said Hikita. “I really fail to understand how any respectable medical school would loose this madman on the American public. I mean, how can you actually graduate from university and medical school and not believe in something as obvious as evolution?”

Professor Hikita was even more perturbed by Carson’s insane ideas regarding the age of the earth.

“Dr. Carson is one of those ignorant twits that believes the earth is about 6,000 years old,” said Hikita. “That’s the same bunch of hucksters that want us to believe that Jesus and the disciples cruised around Palestine on the backs of dinosaurs. It’s insane. The next thing you know that creepy ass Ken Ham will be running for political office in Kentucky. It may be time to start making sure your passport is in order. If this group ever gains the White House civilization could grind to a halt overnight.”

Although most pundits give Carson roughly a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president, stranger things have happened. After all, the normally lucid citizens of Minnesota’s 6th District actually elected a barely functional android, Michele Bachmann, to represent them in Congress.