Enraged By Ferguson Decision, Godzilla Comes Ashore And Destroys Tokyo

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TOKYO (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that approximately one hour after the announcement that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a furious Godzilla waded ashore from Tokyo Bay and began to destroy the city.

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Godzilla made a brief side trip to Fukushima and enjoyed an extra-large cesium-137 smoothie before returning to Tokyo to wreak havoc

Witnesses reported that Godzilla used his patented heat ray along with his massive feet to create a swathe of destruction five miles wide and around fifteen miles long in and around the city.

Japanese authorities used every weapon at their disposal including white cops in riot gear in an attempt to stop the gargantuan reptile but nothing seemed to have any effect on the creature. U.S. troops stationed in and around the home island joined in the battle but Godzilla seemed unaffected by even the most modern weapons.

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Godzilla told reporters that he did not want his son growing up in a world full of white bigots. He said his next target will be Fox News headquarters in New York

“Most of Tokyo now lies in ruins,” said a tearful Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Godzilla showed no mercy this time. He just walked out of the sea and tore our city all to hell! He even destroyed Ray’s Sushi and Comfort Woman Bar in Shinjuk. Now I have no idea where I’ll go to relieve the stress that builds up from this fucking job. First Fukushima and now this. Can’t those idiot Americans get their act together? I mean Jesus!”

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Godzilla addressed the media from a sandbar in Tokyo Bay

After a full night of unbridled destruction, Godzilla returned to Tokyo bay where he held a brief press conference before returning to the depths.

“The situation in Ferguson reflects the entrenched white male power structure in the United States,” said Godzilla. “It appears that Missouri has made no progress since the days of Jim Crow. I fully expect this kind of thing from that dystopian hellscape they call Florida, but Missouri? I thought those folks were better than that. I guess it’s open season on unarmed black kids in America.”

When asked why he destroyed a Japanese city instead of heading up the Mississippi River to St. Louis, Godzilla replied that it was just force of habit.

This is the 47th time Godzilla has destroyed the Japanese capital.

Ferguson Cops To Be Retrained In The Use Of Firearms

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson announced this morning that the entire Ferguson police force will be attending mandatory remedial firearms training classes this fall.

Chief Jackson spoke to reporters via video link  from an underground command and control bunker outside Ferguson.

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The retraining facility in Florida is located close to bars and restaurants where officers can relax and kick back after training sessions.

“Although we have not as yet had the time nor the inclination to interview Officer Wilson about the shooting involving that black guy Michael Brown, it appears that it took at least six shots to bring the bastard down, and that is just not acceptable,” said Jackson.

“Early autopsy reports clearly show that Darren is having a problem with his aim. We have high standards here in Ferguson, and we expect all of our officers to be able to bring down a black suspect with a maximum of three shots. Darren’s grouping in this case was entirely inadequate.”

“I’ve talked to the mayor and he has assured me that we can find the funds to send the entire force, except of course for our three black officers, to Panhandle Police Training, Inc., this fall,” said the Chief.

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During downtime, trainees at Panhandle are encouraged to participate in “team-building” activities

Panhandle Police is a training facility located deep in the swamps of northwest Florida. In addition to improving officer’s aim, it teaches the “Bashar al-Assad” method of crowd control, with the liberal use of automatic weapons, air strikes, and nerve agents. It is internationally renowned for its ability to retrain cops who have gone soft over the years or have lost “that killing edge.”

Although Florida seems like a long way to go to be retrained, Panhandle Police has the advantage of being located close to several white supremacist headquarters with restaurant, bar, and recreation facilities so that stressed-out officers can blow off steam after a hard day’s training. This allows cops from all over the country to return to their jurisdictions relaxed, refreshed, and ready to run roughshod over individual’s civil rights.

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Rumors abound that some of Panhandle’s trainers have checkered pasts. The rumors remain unsubstantiated however, because every journalist attempting to investigate them has mysteriously disappeared.

In addition to firearms training, Panhandle offers classes in abuse, corruption, and homogeneity.

“I don’t just want to improve our officer’s aim,” said Jackson. “I’ve asked Mayor Knowles for extra funds so that our brave white police officers can be taught not to be so timid around large unarmed minority crowds with embedded reporters and photographers from major news outlets. A few well placed sniper rounds or the use of a little mustard gas when those black folks first started getting uppity would have worked wonders for this community.”

“In the meantime, I have ordered the entire force to carry shotguns or fully automatic assault weapons and hand grenades in order to make up for our poor aim,” said Jackson. “We don’t want another embarrassing episode like we are currently facing with Darren, now do we?”

Reporters were initially invited to attend Chief Jackson’s briefing in the comfort of his nicely appointed and air-conditioned command and control bunker but were unable to get through the cordon of tanks and armored personnel carriers surrounding the entrance.

Under Pressure From Feds, Ferguson Adopts Controversial “No Kill” Policy

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Under pressure from the U.S. Justice Department, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon, and just about every decent person in the United States, the city of Ferguson Police Department has changed its “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death for no apparent reason” policy to one of “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death only when witnesses are not present.”

The new “no kill in public” policy is highly controversial within the nearly all white department. Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson told reporters that he almost had an internal riot on his hands when he informed the rank and file of the change of policy.

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During an emotional press conference in which Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson openly wept, he announced that police officers in Ferguson could no longer mow down surrendering suspects. “This will mean that we have to totally retrain our force from the bottom up, and that will really cut into our budget” said Jackson. “It also probably means that we won’t be able to afford to purchase the tanks and warplanes we need to keep the peace around here. It’s just heartbreaking.”

“It is with great reluctance that I announce that Ferguson police officers will no longer be able to gun down black youths on a whim,” said Jackson. “I really see no reason to change a policy that has for decades worked so well for so many overwhelmingly white police departments across America, but the Feds have threatened to take back our machine guns and armored cars if we don’t do as they say, so we really have no choice.”

Jackson was clearly frustrated by the turn of events.

“Someone tell me just how in the hell are we supposed to intimidate and oppress minorities if we can’t run roughshod over their civil rights by occasionally blowing one of them away?”

Chief Jackson and others within the department apparently thought that the release of incriminating footage of a 7-11 being robbed by “a large black person” and the subsequent “grand theft” of a pack of Swisher Sweets would have been enough to get the rest of the country to agree with them that Michael Brown needed to be shot to death, but such was not the case.

“I really thought once we released that video of what was obviously a crime on par with the Rwandan genocide that all this crazy protest shit would calm down,” said Jackson. “I mean, it’s obvious to anyone that Michael Brown needed to be shot several times if only just to teach him and his buddies a lesson. We believe that the fact that he had his hands up and was surrendering when he was slaughtered drives the point home like nothing else could. I stand by the actions of my officer.”

Police chiefs from around the country wholeheartedly agreed.

Sheriff R.T. “Bloody” Scrotum of Bay County Florida told Fox News, “Them folks must be crazy up thar. I tell you what, down here in Florida we know how to keep colored folks in line. We don’t let ’em vote, and when one of ’em get’s too big for his britches, well then we just plant some evidence or take him on a sightseein’ trip to some squalid swamp up around the dog track. Down here, gators are a peace officer’s best friend.”

The U.S. Justice Department and the FBI are carrying out their own investigations of exactly what occurred in Ferguson last Saturday. Both organizations have long since given up on Florida.

 

 

 

St Louis Police Chief Orders Drone Strikes On ‘Colored’ Neighborhoods

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – St. Louis Police Chief Jon “Bull Smegma” Belmar has approved the use of the county’s three Predator drones in an attempt to quell the continuing riots over the death of Michael Brown on Saturday. The drones are fully armed with AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, a suite of electronic surveillance gear, and loudspeakers that announce “Your right to peaceably assemble is not being violated” as target neighborhoods are being annihilated.

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A thriving McDonald’s at the edge of a minority neighborhood became one of the first targets of the drone strikes when intelligence revealed that it was being frequented by reporters who were using it to recharge their electronics and file reports that were critical of Belmar’s methods.

The first strikes occurred just before dawn this morning, when several minority neighborhoods in and around Ferguson were reduced to rubble after fiery explosions set home after home ablaze.

“We gotta teach these uppity negras just who is boss around here,” said Chief Belmar, as he sipped on an ice cold Budweiser. “I done asked ’em nicely not to protest at night, and I even let ’em ‘peaceably assemble’ like it says in the Constitution of the United States. But enough is enough. It’s time to put ’em back in their place.”

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Protestors complained that it was a little incongruous to have high-powered rifles pointed at your head while a loudspeaker announced “your right to assemble is not being violated.”

However, responsible adults from all over the U.S. disagree with Belmar, including reporters from major newspapers who have been arrested and state senators who were tear gassed during peaceful sit-ins and marches.

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Belmar’s actions have been met with outrage across the country except in markets where Fox News dominates.

Representatives from the groups of protestors told CNN that it “is a little difficult to hold a peaceable protest march when cops dressed to go into battle in Iraq are aiming high powered rifles and machine guns at your head from the tops of tanks, and at the slightest provocation tear gas grenades are hurled into your midst.”

The complaints have had little effect on Belmar, however. In addition to the drones, he has placed the St. Louis County Air Force on high alert and his tactical nuclear missile force on Defcon 4, only one level away from all-out war.

“We are going to give these jungle bunnies one more chance,” said Belmar. “If they don’t return to the rubble that was once their homes we are going to put our wing of surplus B-52’s into action and carpet-bomb the whole damn city.”

“I want to assure all the good white people of St. Louis County that there is nothing, no matter how ridiculous, that we won’t do in order to get this situation under control. The best advice I can give to you Caucasian residents out there is to go on vacation or visit relatives until this thing is over, because I can’t guarantee that there won’t be some collateral damage if we have to nuke Ferguson.”

St. Louis County Police Chief Pleads Public For An End To Nighttime Protests

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference earlier today, St. Louis County Police Chief Jon Belmar pleaded with the public to cease nocturnal protests over the shooting of unarmed black teen Michael Brown on Saturday.

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Members of Ferguson’s racially diverse police force attempt to calm the crowds by firing into them with military style assault weapons

“Due to budget constraints caused by the recession that so recently swept across our beloved land, we were forced to order outdated East German night vision gear to go with our military-grade high-powered sniper rifles,” said Belmar. “Our sharpshooters are having one hell of a time discerning skin color after dark. Everyone just looks the same. You really can’t tell who is a good guy and who is a bad guy…everyone is just a big green blob.”

“One thing we don’t want is any white folks getting killed by mistake,” said the Chief, “that would be a real tragedy.”

Over the last few days, the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson has been wracked with violence as protesters outraged over the 18-year-old’s shooting faced off with police.

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Chief Belmar used the tried-and-true “giant ferocious police dog” method of calming unruly black crowds that proved so effective in Birmingham during the 60’s

Although there were reports that some demonstrations were peaceful — protesters held up their hands, as Brown reportedly did, and others demanded a fair inquiry, chanting, “No justice, no peace” — there were also reports of fires, looting, vandalism and attacks on police officers.

As federal civil rights investigators and the FBI carry out their own inquiry into the case, tensions are running high in Ferguson, where there’s a history of distrust between the predominately black community and the largely white police force.

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The city of Ferguson’s phones and computer systems were rendered entirely useless this week after Anonymous carried out a cyber attack on its systems. One employee told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the computers acted as if “they were possessed by Satan himself.”

“I am just at loss to explain why negras in our community would be upset about an unarmed black kid being shot multiple times by a white cop, it happens all the time in Florida,” said Chief Belmar.

“All these protests just have to stop. The public has to trust that the same all-white police force that gunned down the kid will conduct a thorough and fair investigation of the incident.”

Meanwhile, the hacktivist group Anonymous is kicking Ferguson in its electronic ass. The group released the following statement this week:

“If you abuse, harass — or harm in any way the protesters in Ferguson we will take every Web-based asset of your departments and governments off-line. That is not a threat, it is a promise. If you attack the protesters, we will attack every server and computer you have. We will dox and release the personal information on every single member of the Ferguson Police Department, as well as any other jurisdiction that participates in the abuse. We will seize all your databases and E-Mail spools and dump them on the Internet. This is your only warning.”

 

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Some citizens of Ferguson who were not involved in the rioting took advantage of the situation to do some shopping at stores in the area where goods had been deeply discounted

Then apparently displeased with the government’s response, it made good on its word.

The Internet crashed at City Hall. E-mail systems were hit. Phones died. City officials told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch a  flood of traffic targeting the city’s site “just kept coming.”

As Ferguson descends into chaos, Chief Belmar is attempting to take positive action to quell the violence. The Chief has been on the horn with chiefs of nearby predominantly white jurisdictions asking for reinforcements and has made a special request for any armored personnel carriers and tanks recently bought as military surplus from the U.S. Army.

“We will destroy the whole damn city and everyone in it before we give in to these shiftless thugs!” said Chief Belmar.