Florida Governor Rick Scott Pledges To Personally Eradicate Zika Mosquitoes

 

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TALLAHASSEE –  (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.

Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.

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When Governor Scott was growing up in Tenochtitlan over 1000 years ago he became famous for keeping the entire district free of harmful insects.

In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.

However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.

“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”

So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

Rubio spoke to reporters while in route to his part-time job as a carnival clown at Disneyworld

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”
Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”
When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”

Florida Town Bans Medical Poultry

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In a move which will surely cause distress in progressive and libertarian circles, Debary, Florida, a small city in the heart of Cretonia, has banned backyard chickens. The city council voted 3-2 last week to end a pilot program that allowed citizens to keep a few birds in their backyards.

“We made a mistake,” said city council member Chris Carson. “It was a pilot program that offered a little liberty and hope to our citizens, but it was just getting out of control.” Carson voted to end the program because he felt that people were beginning to harbor dangerous ideas of self sufficiency and independence from government. It seems a few folks were actually selling surplus eggs generated by their chickens and Carson feared that the city could miss out on a few cents of tax revenue. “I don’t support a program that has a door open to take advantage for commercial purposes,’ said Carson.

Carson received his graduate degree in economics from the University of Bombardopolis in Haiti, long known as a hotbed of economic success.

Councilman John Bigboote, who voted to continue the program, thinks Big Poultry got to Carson. “It’s obvious to me that Chris was paid off by Tyson, Gold Kist, or maybe Colonel Sanders himself,” said Bigboote. “He was all for the program when we started it. Now he’s gone over to the ‘Dark Side’. It’s really sad.”

Everyone is not giving up, however. Resident Joseph Hart intends to get a lawyer and fight to keep his chickens. Hart bought his chickens on advice from his son’s physician. Hart’s son J.J. is autistic and the chickens have been a great help in his treatment. “It’s made a tremendous difference in J.J.’s life,” Hart said. “His vocabulary has gone from ‘ducks’ to that of a normal kid his age.”

However, the vocabulary of most of the elected officials in Debary is sorely limited. It seems “compassion” and “empathy” are noticeably absent.

Mayor Harry Snapper Organs, in a speech to the local chamber of commerce, said “Look, we started this program to divert the public’s attention away from the graft and corruption that we value so much down here, but things are now out of control. Allowing ‘homegrown chicken’ in Debary has become dangerous and immoral. If people need treatment for their diseases they need to go to a doctor and seek a therapy approved by the FDA. On the other hand, if they need a few extra dollars income, they can work part time in a fast food joint,” said Organs.

Police Chief Bubba Buzzkill agreed. “Everyone knows that chicken is a gateway bird. If we allow this to continue, people will move on to harder birds such as turkeys, and God forbid, emus,” said Buzzkill.”Why, I heard only last week of guy down in Miami who was harboring an ostrich in his condo.” Buzzkill continued, “Maybe the only way to stop these home chicken labs is to ban the sale of chicken feed to the public, or pass some new poultry forfeiture laws up in Tallahassee.”

We contacted Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity in Politics for his comments on the situation. “It’s the same old story. Not since the Middle Ages have we seen such a weird combination of reactionary politics and the disdain of reason as we do in contemporary Florida,” Black said. “However, there is hope,” Black continued,”according to my friends over at the World Meteorological Organization, in 200 years the whole miserable state should be underwater.”

There is no word yet on how Florida officials feel about backyard fish farming.

Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

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As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”