In a move which will surely cause distress in progressive and libertarian circles, Debary, Florida, a small city in the heart of Cretonia, has banned backyard chickens. The city council voted 3-2 last week to end a pilot program that allowed citizens to keep a few birds in their backyards.
“We made a mistake,” said city council member Chris Carson. “It was a pilot program that offered a little liberty and hope to our citizens, but it was just getting out of control.” Carson voted to end the program because he felt that people were beginning to harbor dangerous ideas of self sufficiency and independence from government. It seems a few folks were actually selling surplus eggs generated by their chickens and Carson feared that the city could miss out on a few cents of tax revenue. “I don’t support a program that has a door open to take advantage for commercial purposes,’ said Carson.
Carson received his graduate degree in economics from the University of Bombardopolis in Haiti, long known as a hotbed of economic success.
Councilman John Bigboote, who voted to continue the program, thinks Big Poultry got to Carson. “It’s obvious to me that Chris was paid off by Tyson, Gold Kist, or maybe Colonel Sanders himself,” said Bigboote. “He was all for the program when we started it. Now he’s gone over to the ‘Dark Side’. It’s really sad.”
Everyone is not giving up, however. Resident Joseph Hart intends to get a lawyer and fight to keep his chickens. Hart bought his chickens on advice from his son’s physician. Hart’s son J.J. is autistic and the chickens have been a great help in his treatment. “It’s made a tremendous difference in J.J.’s life,” Hart said. “His vocabulary has gone from ‘ducks’ to that of a normal kid his age.”
However, the vocabulary of most of the elected officials in Debary is sorely limited. It seems “compassion” and “empathy” are noticeably absent.
Mayor Harry Snapper Organs, in a speech to the local chamber of commerce, said “Look, we started this program to divert the public’s attention away from the graft and corruption that we value so much down here, but things are now out of control. Allowing ‘homegrown chicken’ in Debary has become dangerous and immoral. If people need treatment for their diseases they need to go to a doctor and seek a therapy approved by the FDA. On the other hand, if they need a few extra dollars income, they can work part time in a fast food joint,” said Organs.
Police Chief Bubba Buzzkill agreed. “Everyone knows that chicken is a gateway bird. If we allow this to continue, people will move on to harder birds such as turkeys, and God forbid, emus,” said Buzzkill.”Why, I heard only last week of guy down in Miami who was harboring an ostrich in his condo.” Buzzkill continued, “Maybe the only way to stop these home chicken labs is to ban the sale of chicken feed to the public, or pass some new poultry forfeiture laws up in Tallahassee.”
We contacted Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity in Politics for his comments on the situation. “It’s the same old story. Not since the Middle Ages have we seen such a weird combination of reactionary politics and the disdain of reason as we do in contemporary Florida,” Black said. “However, there is hope,” Black continued,”according to my friends over at the World Meteorological Organization, in 200 years the whole miserable state should be underwater.”
There is no word yet on how Florida officials feel about backyard fish farming.