Trump Losing Support Of Hispanic Unions

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Donald Trump’s latest comments regarding diseased Mexicans coming over the border and raping our white virgins has caused an exodus of what was left of his Hispanic base.

President Carlos “The Schlong” Fernandez of the Mexican Rapist’s Union told CNN that because of Trump’s insensitive comments the union would reluctantly be withdrawing its support for Trump for the Republican nomination.

“We were willing to ignore the comments Trump made when he announced, because we were counting on all those wonderful jobs he would have created for us building his ridiculous monuments to himself, but this stuff about disease is just too much. All of us Mexican rapists are clean. In fact, we worry about picking up something that won’t wash off every time we rape a young white woman. You guys have some nasty ass stuff floating around up here.”

Juan Castro, vice president of the Hispanic Murderers and Drug Dealers Association also announced that his organization would be pulling support for Trump and putting all its money behind Dr. Ben Carson.

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Scientists have repeatedly pointed out that one has a better chance of being devoured by a shark than falling victim to a crime committed by an illegal alien, but one must consider that these are scientists talking. Can we really trust them?

“Anyone who believes in Noah’s Ark and thinks humans walked around with dinosaurs is cool with us,” said Castro. “If we can elect a president that is that stupid, well then, we ought to be able to pillage the United States without fear of retribution. I mean, it’s like Lewis Black says, the guy thinks that the Flintstones is a fucking documentary. What a dumbass!”

Charlotte Mulebutt, president of the non-profit advocacy group Diseased Central American Kids Without Borders, pulled her support of Trump as well.

Ms Mulebutt, who claims to be Hispanic despite being the firstborn child of an Eskimo couple in Alaska, told Fox News that “As much as we like Donald because of his solid record on foreign policy issues, we can’t support a nominee that would prevent our filthy, plague-stricken, Ebola ridden children their God-given right to spread disease around the United States.”

Although one stands a better chance of being eaten alive by a shark than to be the victim of some maniacal illegal bent on evil, Trump’s wild statements seem to have hit a chord at least with the Neanderthal wing of the GOP. The Donald has garnered the support of many in the Tea Party despite the fact that most of them cannot spell his name correctly.

Trump is currently second in many polls trailing only the “smart” member of the Bush family.

When asked for comment, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager is reported to have said, “Our hope is that this will not hurt Trump’s chances of being in the Fox News debates, although they’ll no doubt be a scream with or without that idiot. We can’t wait.”

 

 

Wealthy Primate Escapes Central Park Zoo; Claims He’s Running For President

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – An oversized ape escaped Central Park Zoo on Tuesday and lumbered up Fifth Avenue to Trump Tower where he announced to a crowd of well-wishing Homo sapiens that he would be throwing his hair in the ring for the Republican nomination for president. He told the fawning humans that if “all of those other ignorant beasts” could run then he could too, and he was rich enough to make it happen.

The ape, nicknamed “Donnie” by his caretakers at the zoo, promised the crowd that he would stop the flow of “subhuman Mexicans” crossing the border by building a huge wall around the United States that would keep out anyone who was not rich and white.

He also stated that he would be the “greatest jobs simian that God has ever created” and had a secret plan to defeat ISIS about which he was extremely cryptic except for a bizarre reference to a new chain of casinos and hotels located around the Persian Gulf.

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After “Donnie’s” announcement he went outside and climbed to the top of Trump Tower and fought off biplanes sent by the Mexican Air Force to kill the bigoted and offensive beast.

“Donnie” then went on an incoherent diatribe which made very little sense to any of the paid witnesses to the event, but was praised as one of the “great orations of our time” by the functional illiterates on Fox News and on many right-wing hate radio stations across the country.

Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who became visibly aroused when he heard about the announcement, invited “Donnie” on his show last night and fawned over the candidate for a full hour, asking him softball questions and rewarding him with bananas and other fruits when “Donnie” answered with the correct right-wing gibberish.

Hannity later told aides that he had not been this excited about a guest since he almost had his first man-on-man sexual experience with Cliven Bundy a few months ago.

Most pundits give “Donnie” a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination because he is after all a “damn dirty ape.” However, a few brave souls say it is possible because the GOP field is made up of such a strange assortment of species that it might be inevitable that a subhuman wins.