Douglass Remains Silent On Bowling Green Massacre

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WASHINGTON – The White House released a statement today expressing its shock and sadness that up-and-coming civil rights leader Frederick Douglass has remained silent regarding the recent tragedy in Bowling Green, Kentucky in which a number of white Christians were slaughtered by refugees from the Middle East.

“Mr. Douglass’ continued silence can mean only one thing;” said the statement, “that he secretly applauds the actions of these bloodthirsty terrorists who have infiltrated our homeland.”

The perpetrators, an elderly Syrian woman and her seven-year-old granddaughter, had apparently hidden themselves within the tens of thousands of refugees currently flooding every city in the country.

“Somehow they just slipped through the cracks,” said a Homeland Security officer who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being executed by the Administration.

“Our usual method is to just back a ship up to a dock in some port in Yemen and let anyone who wants to jump on board. We make damn sure they aren’t terrorists by making them fill out a three-page questionnaire, and swearing it’s true while putting their hand on a Bible. I can’t imagine how those two managed outwit our vetting process. They must be real masterminds.”

Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press today that given the seriousness of the situation the Administration will have to re-think its relationship with Mr. Douglass and other civil rights leaders.

“If Mr. Douglass and his fellow black leaders aren’t even going to acknowledge the tragic loss of life in Bowling Green, then if you ask me they have no place in American society.”

Conway then went outside the studio, mounted her unicorn, and rode back to the White House.

 

 

Lindsey Graham Has Cerebrovascular Accident While On ‘Meet The Press’ With David Gregory

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – On NBC’s Meet the Depressed with David Gregory yesterday Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared to go into some kind of violent convulsive fit reminiscent of the chest-burster scene in the movie Alien. Immediately afterwords he began an irrational and nearly incoherent rant against President Obama and his foreign policy, or lack thereof.

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Graham’s CVA yesterday was only the latest in a series. After a mild stroke last fall, Graham donned an evening gown and pranced around a fundraiser in support of his “Repeal The 20th Century” bill that was narrowly defeated in Congress.

Following an interview with Kerry, Gregory spoke to Graham, who could not contain his anger about the secretary of state’s assessment of “complex” foreign policy issues like the wars in Ukraine and the Middle East.

“He gave the most ridiculous and delusional summary of American foreign policy I could imagine!” Graham exclaimed. “It scares me that he believes the world is in such good shape! America is the glue the holds the free world together (just ask the citizens of Iraq), leading from behind is not working, the world is adrift.”

He added: “And President Obama has become the king of indecision. His policies are failing across the globe, and they will come here soon. Why, the invasion is already starting! Anyone can see that those children on the border are just the first wave of a tsunami of diseased parasites ready to overwhelm us and our way of life!”

Gregory wondered what Kerry and the Obama administration should have done regarding the downing of the Malaysian flight.

“He didn’t call Putin the thug that he is”, said Graham, who was sweating profusely and appeared to be clicking two ball bearings together in his left hand.

“I would have called him a thug, a despot, a cretin, a shirtless pussy boy, and a mean bully! That would have put that Putin in his place and made him think twice about arming those rebels!”

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According to his staff Graham is now recovering at home with the help of baby ducks who seem to soothe the unhinged senator from South Carolina

“We should have armed Ukraine to the teeth with tactical nukes so they can defend themselves against rebel separatists supported by Russia!” Graham insisted.

“All of the enemies of our nation are being well supplied! Russian is helping Iran, Iran is helping Syria, Syria is helping Honduras, Honduras is helping Mexico, and Mexico is helping the Democrat Party! There’s way too much helpin’ goin’ on out dere!”

“If Obama had any spine at all, he would have bombed the shit out of the Russians at the first sign of trouble like my pimp John McCain told him to do! That would have saved all this massive loss of life!”

Graham’s rant lost momentum as he appeared to become dehydrated, and aides escorted the senator to a waiting ambulance so that he could be checked out at the hospital before returning home.