Republican Base Bewildered By Last Night’s Debate

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MIAMI – (CT&P) – Interviews conducted by Fox News today indicate that last night’s presidential debate has left most of the Republican base confused and bewildered.

Although most of the candidates’ statements were outright lies or feeble attempts to mask a desire to return to the Middle Ages, the debate mostly featured policy issues and little of the name-calling and childlike behavior of earlier contests.

“The debate was much more civil than the others,” said Chris Mathews of MSNBC. “For the most part the candidates acted like adults, albeit dumb ones.”

This change in behavior and shift towards arguing about policy issues has apparently stunned GOP voters and left them wondering who to trust.

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Cyrus Buttplug of Panama City Beach, Florida told Fox News that he “Didn’t understand what the fuck the candidates were saying last night” and wished they would stick to the “important shit” like they did in earlier debates.

“I didn’t understand a God damn thing they said up thar last night,” said Cyrus Buttplug, a longtime Trump supporter from Panama City Beach, Florida. “Just how the hell we gonna make ‘Murica great again talkin’ ’bout social security and fern relations? I don’t know who to vote fer now.”

Reverend Billy Bob McSneed, a kooky religious zealot and pastor of Our Lady of the Malfunctioning Scrotum Baptist Church in Putrid Springs, Texas, has been a supporter of Ted Cruz since he first announced his candidacy.

“I’m disappointed in Ted,” said the pastor. “I didn’t hear him mention the Baby Jesus one time. Not once! Just how in the hell are we gonna run this country without consulting the Baby Jesus? Tell me that!”

After the interview segments ran on Fox today campaign spokesmen have been scrambling to get on the air with the major networks to assure voters that the candidates will be back to name-calling, gutter humor, and mindless insults at the next debate, so the poorly educated base of the Republican Party has nothing to worry about.

“I think the potential nominees have seen their mistake and will do their best to correct it,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “With so much at stake in 2016, we just can’t afford to start making sense right now.”

 

 

 

 

12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”

 

Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

 

Jesus Really Pissed Off With Comparison To Pandering Politician Who Can’t Manage His Money; Vows To Lay Waste To Iowa

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a brief, hastily called news conference outside Ames, Jesus of Nazareth expressed his extreme displeasure with Iowans who believe that Marco Rubio is the Second Coming of the popular religious figure.

“That man-child from Cretinville couldn’t manage a rest area on the interstate, much less a universe,” said an angry Prince of Peace. “He may have pulled the wool over the eyes of a bunch of ethanol-crazed hayseeds, but as we move on to other states, that kind of shit just won’t fly.”

Rubio, a part-time senator from Florida and candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, has been called many things in the course of his ascendance from state senator to potential loser to Hillary Clinton: youthful, energetic, a lawn sprinkler, “his party’s best hope,” and the “dud” from the old board game Mystery Date.

Time magazine even called him “The Republican Savior,” as Fox News’s Bret Baier reminded him during Thursday night’s G.O.P. debate, during part of a pointed question about his fall from polling grace. But make no mistake: the presumptive front-runner-in-waiting does not think he’s Jesus.

Rubio, who appeared at the debate with a cross strapped to his back and wearing a crown of thorns, said that he did not want to give the impression that he thinks he is a savior, lord, redeemer, or anything of the sort.

“It’s close, but I’m not the Lamb of God,” said the famously modest Rubio, as sweat poured from his forehead. “I’m just a normal guy with the ambition of a rabid honey badger and the intelligence of a bivalve. Believe you me, if I was Jesus, I’d turn this water I’m chugging into Gatorade,” chuckled the perpetually dehydrated charlatan.

Jesus has apparently not been too pleased with the comparisons and promised that Rubio would wish he had never been born by the time he was finished with him.

“I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but he won’t be smiling when he finds himself standing next to Fred Phelps while getting a pineapple shoved up his ass every ten minutes,” said the visibly irritated King of Kings.

“As for the residents of Iowa, they better get their asses down to Ken Ham’s insane asylum down in Petersburg, Kentucky, and board that lifeboat he’s building to scam money from all those gullible religious kooks. I plan on kicking off the festivities with a tsunami that’ll make the one in Japan look like a kiddie pool. Then it’s gonna be fire and brimstone time. It’s not smart to screw around with the Son of Man.”

Cruz Decries Unauthorized Use Of Monkeys

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vociferously protested the unauthorized use of his two little monkeys in a cartoon published in the Washington Post this week.

Cruz hammered the Post on Wednesday for publishing an online editorial cartoon depicting his spawn as dancing monkeys, telling a crowd in Tulsa that the attack “has no place in politics.”

“Not too much ticks me off, but using my two little monkeys without my permission, that’ll do it,” Cruz said in response to the cartoon, which has since been taken down.

“They’re my monkeys, and I get to decide when to use them,” said Cruz, as saliva dribbled from one side of his mouth.

“It’s perfectly OK if I use them as pawns in political ads to degrade an opposing candidate, depicting Hillary Clinton as the Grinch for example, but I’ll be damned if the Washington Post can use them to criticize me. It’s just not the Christian thing to do. After all, they’re just kids and have no idea what’s going on, and if they’re going to be taken advantage of, it should be by their power hungry Dad.”

As noted the Post took down the cartoon and has since apologized to Cruz.

Cruz told editorial page editor Fred Hiatt that next time he wanted to use the monkeys in a cartoon he could contact his campaign and an appropriate fee could be worked out.

Fellow senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio told CNN that the real story here was not that Cruz or the Post had used the little monkeys for political gain, but that at some point in time Ted had actually found a female monkey willing to have sex with him.

“Must have been one desperate monkey,” said Rubio.

 

Rubio Announces To Auditorium That He Is Running For President

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MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yesterday Florida Senator Marco Rubio told an thrilled auditorium in Miami that he had decided to run for president in 2016. Marco kicked off his campaign by making a three-hour long speech to the auditorium in which he outlined his many original ideas for governing and all the progressive policies he would support as president.

Senator Rubio of Florida speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor, Marylan

Rubio said that although he was not a scientist, he was pretty sure that yesterday was in the past and tomorrow is in the future.

“I have heard some suggest that I should step aside and wait my turn, but I cannot,” Rubio said to the auditorium. “Because I believe our very identity as an exceptional nation is at stake, and I can make a difference as president, if anyone ever notices that I am running.”

Early in his speech, which echoed off the walls and around the empty room, making it difficult for the auditorium to understand, Rubio took a swing at Hillary Clinton, who had announced her candidacy on Sunday.

“Just yesterday, a leader from yesterday began a campaign for president by promising to take us back to yesterday,” Rubio told the rows of empty seats. “But yesterday is over, and we are never going back to yesterday. Yesterday, all our troubles seemed so far away, now it seems as if they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday!”

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The auditorium was so moved by the strength of Rubio’s oratory that if anyone had been there they could have heard a pin drop.

The auditorium appeared confused by Rubio’s nonsensical comments but quickly received clarification from the master orator.

“We can’t move on to tomorrow by going back to the leaders and ideas of last night. We must change the decisions we are making today by changing the people who made them last week.” Rubio added. “That is why today, grounded by the lessons of Saturday afternoon, and inspired by the promise of the day after tomorrow, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America, beginning a week from Wednesday.”

The auditorium, intoxicated by Rubio’s flowery rhetoric and exhilarated to be the first in a long line of empty rooms to hear Rubio speak, erupted in a crescendo of silence that can only be compared to a white person’s funeral.

Rubio plans to take his Calhounesque oratory skills on the road in order to garner support from a variety of inanimate objects. He is currently scheduled to speak to a series of abandoned buildings, deserted fields and fetid swamps over the next few weeks.

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

Rubio spoke to reporters while in route to his part-time job as a carnival clown at Disneyworld

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”
Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”
When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”