GOP To Offer Michigan Governor Rick Snyder As Human Sacrifice As Part Of Stop Trump Campaign

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LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.

Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.

“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.

“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”

The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.

“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.

“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.

 

 

 

 

Dick Cheney Comes Out As Transhuman: ‘I am a demon’

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an hour-long interview with Diane Sawyer televised back to back with her two-hour special last night with Bruce Jenner, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that he was a “demon from hell” trapped inside a human body.

Cheney really opened up during the interview, and at times even dropped his human guise to reveal his true nature. In a symbolic moment at the start of his interview, Cheney admitted “Yes Diane, for all intents and purposes, I am a fiend spawned in the fires of Hell.”

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On several occasions during the interview Cheney dropped his human guise and let the public see his true nature.

For the Satan-worshiping community, the moment was almost as significant as when Hitler was elected president of Germany in 1934. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), widely believed to be the Antichrist, tweeted his support of Cheney, saying “I’m so proud of Dick. It’s high time  one of us came clean with the American people and let them know who we truly represent. He’s setting an example for Republicans everywhere.”

“My whole life has been getting me ready for this,” said Cheney, from my leadership and support of vile and evil oil companies who pollute the earth and are leading us headlong into planetary disaster, to my time as vice president where I lied my ass off and started a catastrophic war in Iraq.”

Cheney said he self-identifies as “Legion,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “demon” and “fiend,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the Satanic community, which believes that Satan worshipers and demons should be referred to by the terms with which they choose to identify.

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Cheney told Sawyer that he met with Satan in the in Oval Office whenever President Bush was out-of-town wreaking havoc at international summits.

“I’m just tired of living a lie,” said Cheney. “When our gracious Lord Lucifer generously ripped the heart out of another human so I could continue my mission on earth, I made the decision to ‘come out’ and let everyone know that I am a servant of the Prince of Darkness, humanity’s true Savior.”

Cheney told Sawyer that he plans on continuing his mission; supporting the torture and humiliation of human beings, the destruction of the environment, and encouraging useless and expensive wars all over the globe. He feels that even though he no longer holds office, he can be of service to other minions of Satan currently serving in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives.

“The Republican Party still needs my help,” said Cheney. “There are countries all over the globe that we haven’t had a chance to bomb yet.”

Sawyer’s next special is scheduled for late summer, when she will do a five-hour marathon interview with Bill Cosby, in which he is expected to “come out” as a demonic incubus sent from Mephistopheles to have sex with sleeping women.

 

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

Satan Said To Be “Absolutely Delighted” By Academy Award Winners

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Lucifer only had time for a photo-op and a brief statement thanking the Academy for the Oscars and congratulating his minions at Disney for all their hard work.

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The Prince of Darkness was in a rush to get back to work because of his hectic schedule. He did however spend an inordinate amount of time in the men’s room.

RIVER STYX-Mephistopheles made a rare appearance at the Academy Awards Show on March 2nd in order to thank the Academy and to show his appreciation for all the hard work put in by his lackeys at Disney. Frozen, Disney’s latest propaganda tool, took home the coveted Best Animated Film Designed to Make Children Choose a Degenerate Homosexual Lifestyle Oscar as well as the Oscar for Best Achievement in Music Written for a Motion Picture Promoting Bestiality and Debased Sexual Practices.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary and aide to the Prince of Darkness told reporters, “His Majesty does not usually make public his connections with various studios and production companies. However, this time he decided to make an exception because he was so pleased with the outcome of the Oscar balloting. His friends in Hollywood really came through for us this time.”

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Pastor Kevin Swanson in the midst of a cerebrovascular accident, commonly known as a stroke. He often has minor strokes during his sermons, which explains the extensive brain damage he has to overcome on a daily basis.

“Besides”, Balthazar continued, “that brain-damaged lunatic Swanson had already gone public with our involvement. We really prefer to work our magic in more mysterious ways and keep in the background, but recent revelations made by that imbecile exposed our working relationship with the good people at Disney. Swanson really is an insightful genius on par with Einstein or Bill Buckley. He seems to be able to see through our schemes like it was child’s play,” said Balthazar, rolling his eyes.

Pastor Swanson made the world aware of Beelzebub’s vile and heinous infiltration of Disney on his international blockbuster right-wing Christian talk show. It is carried on more than three radio stations worldwide, so literally hundreds of people are now aware of Mephistopheles’ pernicious cooperation with the perverts who directed and produced Frozen.

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Pastor Swanson as he appears to anyone who made it past sixth grade.

Pastor Swanson stated, “Friends, this is evil, just evil. I wonder if people are thinking ‘You know I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way’. The dullard Swanson went on to postulate that the Devil made his first inroads at Disney in the eighties when perverted homosexual swine first started to come out of the closet. “Homosexuals make a choice to live a sinful and degrading life. They are all doomed to eternal hellfire and they should be kept away from kids at all costs. Why, I can remember when I was five years old and rationally weighed the consequences of choosing a gay lifestyle. I shudder to think what my decision could have been had films like Frozen been around way back then.”

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Lucifer has always adored little kids. In fact he claims that the “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally his. This is a scale model of his new child-friendly monument to be placed on the capitol grounds in Oklahoma City.

Lord Balthazar told reporters that now that the Satanic cat is out of the bag, his boss Diabolus, Lord of Darkness and King of Hell, will take a much more active and public part in Disney’s productions. “I think he feels he has received so much bad press over the years that it’s time to ‘come out of the closet,’ so to speak. He has written a script for an animated film about a cute family of jackals that kidnaps and devours an infant in some sort of ceremony designed to delay the Second Coming. It’s loosely based on the story of Lindy Chamberlain, whose child had an unfortunate encounter with a dingo while camping in Australia. It’s an absolutely hilarious script, and we hope it will encourage kids to have sex with jackals and other canids. Lord Apollyon really is a sweet and talented guy who loves kids and only wants the best for them, and I feel he has been misunderstood for aeons. With his intelligence and cutting wit, I think the future for Disney looks bright indeed.”