Carson Warns Jail Could Turn Davis Gay

Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.

Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”

The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.

“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”

Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.

 

 

God Punishes Kim Davis For Being A Rebellious Bitch

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”

Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”

God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.

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God told Blitzer that he plans on working through both guards and inmates in an attempt to get Davis’ “mind right” about obeying authority and gay marriage.

“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”

God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.

“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.'”

“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”

God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.

New Information Reveals Kentucky Clerk To Be Adulterous Bovine Who Should Be Stoned To Death

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LEXINGTON, KY – (CT&P) – The Kentucky county clerk facing potentially stiff penalties for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses has been married four times, raising questions of hypocrisy and selective application of the Bible to her life.

The marriages are documented in court records obtained by U.S. News, which show that Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis divorced three times, first in 1994, then 2006 and again in 2008.

She gave birth to twins five months after divorcing her first husband. They were fathered by her third husband but adopted by her second. Davis worked at the clerk’s office at the time of each divorce and has since remarried.

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Davis has on multiple occasions refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and threatened to cast spells on them if they did not leave her office.

Davis has described her desire to strictly adhere to the Bible in stark terms and thus far has shown no sign of bending to court orders on same-sex marriage. She said Tuesday she fears going to hell for violating “a central teaching” of the Bible if she complies with the orders.

Davis’ struggle to exempt herself from the Supreme Court’s June decision legalizing same-sex marriage has excited some Christian conservatives but legally has proven futile: The Supreme Court refused her request Monday that the justices intervene, and a federal judge will decide Thursday whether to hold her in contempt or sentence her to be stoned to death for the whore that she is in accordance with the biblical law that she holds so dear.

Davis did not respond to an emailed request for comment, and her office’s phone line was busy throughout the day Tuesday.

The leader of the organization providing her legal representation, Mat Staver of Liberty Counsel, says he’s not sure precisely how many husbands Davis has had, or how many men she has picked up in sleazy bars and brought back to her trailer.

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Mat Staver, Davis’ attorney, said the case highlights the need for more goats and sheep to be raised in Kentucky so men would not be reduced to fighting over hideous beasts like Davis.

“I know she was married more than once – I’ve heard three times,” said Staver. “It’s a matter of fact that she’s been married multiple times. It’s also a matter of fact that this woman fucks like a rabbit. If it’s hot and hollow, she’s on it like white on rice.

Staver says “it’s not really relevant, it’s something that happened in her past-what’s really relevant here is the fact that there were four guys desperate enough to want to marry this cow. She has the IQ of a turnip and is about as attractive as a rattlesnake. Given the choice of her or celibacy, I can tell you I’m going for abstinence.”

Stavers said that according to the Bible her conversion to Christianity about four years ago wiped her slate clean. “Her past habits of jumping from bed to bed and reproducing like some kind of rodent is something that’s not relevant to the issue at hand,” he said.

“Mrs. Davis leads a godly lifestyle now centered around telling strangers how they should live their life and who they should sleep with. Since she’s been born again, she can be an odious, repellent, bigoted bitch during the week and be forgiven on Sunday. It’s a great system.”

If Davis is not sentenced to die, pundits predict that she will be removed from her post and be forced to seek new employment. Staver told Sean Hannity, a Fox News tumor and big fan of vile and disgusting individuals, that people should not worry about Davis because she currently has job offers from Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby, and the Taliban.

Satan Delighted With Supreme Court Ruling

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THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.

“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”

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Former Pastor Fred Phelps, seen here having a pineapple inserted into his rectum, is to be the guest of honor at a party in Hades tonight.

When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press  secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.

“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”

When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”

Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.

“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”

Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

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Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

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After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

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After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”

 

 

God Vows To Destroy Ireland The First Chance He Gets

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.

“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”

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Sources told Fox News that gay marriage would destroy America because an all-merciful God would hurl a gigantic scrotum at the geographic center of the continental United States, killing the entire population

The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.

The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”

The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.

“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.

 

 

Huckabee Warns Of Apocalypse If SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Inter-Species Marriage

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FORBIDDEN ZONE – (CT&P) – During a campaign swing through the Forbidden Zone today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee warned crowds that if the Supreme Court rules in favor of inter-species marriage then all hell will break loose and America will be plucked from the surface of the earth and cast into the Lake of Fire.

“God will never forgive us for this,” said a sweating Huckabee. “Inter-species breeding is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord. We’ve already condemned ourselves to thousands of years in Purgatory for legalizing abortion and allowing minorities to vote. We don’t want to seal our fate by offering legal protection to those who wish to ignore God’s commandments.”

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Huckabee told adoring crowds that God would destroy America and murder millions of men, women, and children if we didn’t profess our love for him on a daily basis.

Although he is considered a long shot, Huckabee’s campaign for the Republican nomination has gathered steam in recent days as he has traveled the country pandering to his base of insane religious zealots, backwoods bigots, and gospel band base players.

Among other things, Huckabee has promised to set up “death panels” to determine whether liberals and atheists will be burned at the stake or simply sent to Christian re-education camps. He’s also promised to limit the tax exempt status of churches to those who “love Jesus” and will deport all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and members of other faiths.

One of Huckabee’s most popular programs with his base is his “Back to the Promised Land” initiative, in which he proposes sending all Jewish Americans to Israel “where they belong.” “We love Israel and the Jews as a people because they were chosen by God, but we really don’t want to deal with those Christ killers on a personal basis,” said Huckabee.

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Huckabee told students at Simian High School in Half-life, New York that God was watching them 24 hours a day and any deviation from the strict and bizarre rules set forth in the Bible would result in them spending eternity in Hell.

The former governor promised that if he is elected president, homosexuals, pedophiles, and those practicing bestiality will all be executed except in certain areas of Arkansas and rural Appalachia where he polls well.

Most political experts believe that Huckabee stands little chance of gaining the Republican nomination, much less becoming president, but Huckabee insists that America needs to “hear the Good News of God’s love” from one of his loyal servants, so he will continue campaigning as long as he can con poor white people out of 10-25 dollar donations.

“I’m out here trying to stop America from becoming a progressive and caring nation with equality for all despite their sexual orientation or choice of mate,” said Huckabee. “I feel if we all pull together we can make America a shining light for all those around the globe who want to return to the Middle Ages and a social hierarchy based on the divine right of kings.”

Huckabee is scheduled to swing through the old Confederacy next week where he will be introducing his “Barefoot and Pregnant” initiative for newly married females.