Creation Museum Unveils New Exhibit

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.

The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.

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Another creationist archeological team in Italy is confident that it will soon unearth the economy rental that St. Paul drove to Rome.

According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.

Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.

“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.

“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops  or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”

The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.

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Although Ham was disappointed that he was unable to pull the wool over the eyes of Kentucky politicians and claim tax exempt status for his ridiculous Noah’s Ark project, construction continues apace.

“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”

In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.

Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.

“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.

 

Creepy Creationist Ken Ham Admits To Lifelong Goat Fetish

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Creationist huckster and miscreant Ken Ham went off the rails again last week when he attacked the oversexed and apparently perpetually horny Miley Cyrus in a rambling, nearly incoherent essay on his blog, which is read by at least two or three dozen fellow fruitcakes.

Ham, an ignorant twit who would have been much more comfortable living in the Middle Ages, used Bible verses and sixth grade debate tactics in an attempt to criticize Cyrus’ sexual preferences and refusal to believe fairy tales from an ancient text written by people who thought thunderstorms were a form of punishment from God.

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Ham, who fleeces thousands of ignorant Bible-thumping dunderheads each year at his absurd Creation Museum, has become more and more irrational since his kooky Ark project failed to gain tax exempt status.

The unbalanced charlatan, who actually believes the earth is around 6,000 years old, seemed particularly interested in Cyrus’ lack of desire to have sex with animals or participate in pedophilia.

“Why not involve an animal?” Ham told the Reverend Billy Buttocks during an interview on the Jesus Channel. “On what basis does she decide that? Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals?”

Then Ham made a startling confession.

“We are all born with a strong desire to  fuck animals,” said Ham. “It’s the way God made us. Every person on earth wants to have sex with furry four-legged creatures, and the only thing that holds us back are the rules set forth in the our Holy Book. I know I have to read my Bible every morning to remind myself how important it is not to go outside my office and copulate with one of the  ungulates that we keep here at the Creation Museum Petting Zoo.”

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Ham, seen here feeling up a Velociraptor, has apparently been obsessed with bestiality since he was a small child in Australia, where he was suspected of having sex with an entire pack of dingos when he was 12 years old.

“Sometimes I wake up all sweaty and aroused after dreaming of taking Snowball or Squealer out behind the maintenance shed and fucking their brains out,” said Ham, as his eyes rolled back in his head.

The revelation that Ham is sexually attracted to a variety of species of which he is not a member was shocking enough, but he then went on to admit that he was a secret pedophile.

“Why have sex with only those over the age of 18? On what basis does Cyrus decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Well I’ll tell you why! It’s because of the rules and regulations set forth in this dusty book written before mankind knew what the fuck electricity was! It’s the only thing that keeps us in line, I tell you. Without the Bible, we would just be savages running around fucking everything from Coke bottles to tapirs!”

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Architects designing Ham’s lunatic Ark project were shocked by his demands that they design a “love room” to hold goats in place while Ham had his way with them. “We’ll have to stay on board til the waters subside, and it’s going to get awfully lonely,” said Ham.

Although most Americans were shocked by Ham’s confessions, Fox News numbskull Sean Hannity was quick to come to his defense, citing Kentucky’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which encourages all sorts of abominations as long as they are done in the name of God.

However, coworkers and close friends of Ham were not surprised by his statements.

“Why the hell do you think we keep such a close eye on kids when they tour this place?” said an aide to Ham.

The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the last employee to speak publicly about Ham’s psychological problems was crucified on the $3 million “Calvary Kiddie Ride.”

“Ken has always been one weird son of a bitch,” said the aide. “He is constantly staring longingly at the pens holding our sheep and cows, but his favorites are those young attractive goats. He says their eyes are the gateway to Heaven, or some such bullshit.

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Sadly, the animals around the Creation Museum’s petting zoo have come to know Ham all too well and will do just about anything to avoid the horny bastard.

“You have to remember that Ken was deported from Australia because authorities there perceived him as threat to wildlife, children, and critical thought,” continued the aide. “He tried to move to western Europe, but as it turns out the only country that would have him was the United States. He’s really found a home with these suckers in the Bible Belt, let me tell you.”

Although authorities in Boone County where Ham’s God-O-Rama theme park is located have heard weird stories coming from behind the walls of the  “Koresh Compound” as they call it, no charges have been filed against Ham or his employees up to this point.

“We look the other way when it comes to animals,” said Sheriff Billy Bob McSneed, “after all, that’s part of growin’ up around here, but we damn sure draw the line when it comes to little kids. I can’t arrest the kook for thinking about buggering those children, but if he lays a hand on them, he’s gonna see some Kentucky straight justice in a hurry. Prayin’ won’t do a damn bit a good.”

 

 

 

Yoga Instructor Admits To Being Servant Of Satan

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WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy of Dunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.

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The Right Reverend Anus McGregor taught the seminar at CPAC while handling a variety of venomous reptiles. He compared the snakes to bureaucrats in the Department of Education

The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.

McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.

“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”

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Yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower lured unsuspecting students into her class by offering free instruction. All the while she was attempting to snatch their souls for the Beelzebub

Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.

The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.

Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.

“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”

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Next year CPAC will be held at creepy Ken Ham’s Creation Museum, a place where reason takes a backseat to religious superstition. The CPAC attendees should feel right at home

Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.

“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.

“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.

CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”

 

 

 

Mad Scientist To Announce Candidacy For President

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon and current right-wing kook will announce his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination this weekend, according to his long-time aide and press secretary Igor.

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Dr. Carson’s longtime aide and press secretary Igor was the product of one of the unhinged physician’s early experimental surgeries.

At a press conference on the steps of Carson’s underground laboratory in rural Virginia, Igor told a group of reporters that Dr. Carson will release a 40 minute video that will outline his policy stances and beliefs so that voters will be able to “get to know him better.” Igor said that Carson hopes that those voters who are not taken aback, shocked, or downright terrified by what they see and hear on the video will go to the polls and support him during the Republican primaries.

Dr. Carson rose to fame within the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party after an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast during which he compared Obamacare to slavery, showing a grasp of American history roughly equivalent to that of an average house cat.

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Dr. Carson is a charter member of the creepy group of idiots that think human beings once walked side-by-side with dinosaurs.

Dr. Carson, who does not believe in evolution, is a strong supporter of the group of raving lunatics who support “Young Earth” creationist theory, a concept with absolutely no scientific fact to back it up. Carson has also referred to abortion as “human sacrifice,” and has compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia.

Carson also wants to abolish Medicare and Medicaid, replace welfare with private charity, and institute a flat income tax, presumably because Jesus was such a strong critic of the poor and less fortunate.

Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker phoned Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey for more insight into Dr. Carson’s troubled psyche.

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Not all of Carson’s surgeries were considered successful. Americans are still suffering the results of his attempt to provide Representative Louie Gohmert (seen here on right) with a bride of roughly equal intelligence

“Anyone with a fully functional pre-frontal cortex will no doubt be shocked and disgusted with Carson’s vision of America,” said Hikita. “I really fail to understand how any respectable medical school would loose this madman on the American public. I mean, how can you actually graduate from university and medical school and not believe in something as obvious as evolution?”

Professor Hikita was even more perturbed by Carson’s insane ideas regarding the age of the earth.

“Dr. Carson is one of those ignorant twits that believes the earth is about 6,000 years old,” said Hikita. “That’s the same bunch of hucksters that want us to believe that Jesus and the disciples cruised around Palestine on the backs of dinosaurs. It’s insane. The next thing you know that creepy ass Ken Ham will be running for political office in Kentucky. It may be time to start making sure your passport is in order. If this group ever gains the White House civilization could grind to a halt overnight.”

Although most pundits give Carson roughly a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president, stranger things have happened. After all, the normally lucid citizens of Minnesota’s 6th District actually elected a barely functional android, Michele Bachmann, to represent them in Congress.

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

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In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

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President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

Creepy “Answers In Genesis” President Ken Ham Arrested At Denali National Park

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Ham, originally from Australia, is living proof of the dangers of legal immigration

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Huckster and insane person Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis and Creation Museum fame, was arrested yesterday just outside Denali National Park. Ham was charged with indecent exposure and attempted destruction of public property. He is currently being held in an Anchorage detention facility while he awaits a psychiatric examination ordered by a circuit court judge.

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Ham is famous for wacked-out ideas, like the concept that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth together.

Ham was apprehended while trying to escape after attempting to add his own footprints to dinosaur fossils found within the boundary of the park. The site, described as a “world-class” dinosaur track site shows that herds of duck-billed dinosaurs thrived under the midnight sun.

“We had mom, dad, big brother, big sister and little babies all running around together,” said paleontologist Anthony Fiorillo, who is studying the dinosaur tracks. “As I like to tell the park, Denali was a family destination for millions of years, and now we’ve got the fossil evidence for it.”

The discovery adds to Fiorillo’s growing conviction that dinosaurs lived at polar latitudes year-round during the Late Cretaceous Period, about 70 million years ago.”Even back then the high latitudes were biologically productive and could support big herds of pretty big animals,” said Fiorillo, curator of earth sciences at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas.

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One of the most popular exhibits at the Creation Museum is the “Messiahraptor” ride, which features a slightly confused Christ figure cruising around a wooded area on the back of a T-Rex.

“This is definitely one of the great track sites of the world. We were so happy to find it,” Fiorillo said.

The muddy ground is so rumpled by footprints that the researchers were hard-pressed to pull out tracks from individual hadrosaurs. Instead, they counted each print and grouped them by size. The results were published June 30 in the journal Geology.

Ham, who has for years championed the ludicrous idea that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that men walked among the dinosaurs, was apparently either trying to destroy the fossils or add his own footprints to the fossil find.

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Ham first developed his disturbing theories during early puberty when he became obsessed with Raquel Welch after viewing One Million Years B.C. He still thinks the movie is “one of the best documentaries of all time.”

“We found him running around barefoot wearing a Speedo and a t-shirt that read, ‘God Hates Paleontologists,’ said Fiorillo. “At first we thought he was a drunken tourist or an escapee from a mental institution. However, one of my assistants from Kentucky recognized him and said, ‘Holy shit! That’s the moron the runs that stupid Creation Museum.’ That’s when we knew we had a potentially dangerous cretin on our hands. We immediately called the park police.”

Ham was apprehended about an hour later trying to exit the park on a unicycle, which he learned to ride as a child while performing in his parents’ traveling carnival and snake oil emporium.

Park police reported that Ham kept shouting “Darwin was wrong!” and “Fossils are the handiwork of Satan” as he was taken into custody.

Originally from Queensland, Australia, Ham has become the poster child for intelligent arguments against immigration. Many groups have advocated a thorough psychological screening and IQ testing before anyone is granted citizenship.

Ham will be handed over to federal authorities to await trial. He is thought to be too much of a danger to the mentally deficient in this country to be granted bail.