Douglass Remains Silent On Bowling Green Massacre



WASHINGTON – The White House released a statement today expressing its shock and sadness that up-and-coming civil rights leader Frederick Douglass has remained silent regarding the recent tragedy in Bowling Green, Kentucky in which a number of white Christians were slaughtered by refugees from the Middle East.

“Mr. Douglass’ continued silence can mean only one thing;” said the statement, “that he secretly applauds the actions of these bloodthirsty terrorists who have infiltrated our homeland.”

The perpetrators, an elderly Syrian woman and her seven-year-old granddaughter, had apparently hidden themselves within the tens of thousands of refugees currently flooding every city in the country.

“Somehow they just slipped through the cracks,” said a Homeland Security officer who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being executed by the Administration.

“Our usual method is to just back a ship up to a dock in some port in Yemen and let anyone who wants to jump on board. We make damn sure they aren’t terrorists by making them fill out a three-page questionnaire, and swearing it’s true while putting their hand on a Bible. I can’t imagine how those two managed outwit our vetting process. They must be real masterminds.”

Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press today that given the seriousness of the situation the Administration will have to re-think its relationship with Mr. Douglass and other civil rights leaders.

“If Mr. Douglass and his fellow black leaders aren’t even going to acknowledge the tragic loss of life in Bowling Green, then if you ask me they have no place in American society.”

Conway then went outside the studio, mounted her unicorn, and rode back to the White House.



Trump Signs Executive Order Prohibiting Executive Orders



WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.

“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.

“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.

“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.

Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.

“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.

Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.

When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.

The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”

Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.


Kellyanne Conway Decries Pussyfooting



NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Donald Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway is tired of the “pussyfooting around” from Republican lawmakers who have distanced themselves from the Republican presidential ticket in recent days, calling on them to decide once and for all whether or not they support their party’s nominee.

“Well we want the support of anybody who’s going to publicly endorse us. But enough of the pussyfooting around in terms of, you know, do you support us or do you not support us?” Conway said Wednesday morning on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “The fact is that some of these leaders have been wishy-washy.”

“We think that white suburban pussy is the key to this election and we intend to go out and grab as much of that pussy as we possibly can,” said Conway as she massaged her crotch. “We want allies who can reach out and boldly grab the pussy, not fumble around inside panties like inexperienced schoolboys,” said the obviously aroused Conway.

When Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos asked Conway what her plans were if Trump lost, she replied, “Well, I guess I’ll just rent my pussy out to the highest bidder. It’s worked out pretty well for me the past few months.”


Kellyanne Conway On New Video: ‘Everyone Grabs A Pussy Now And Then’



NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Appearing on AM Joy this morning on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway told host Joy Reid that she was not really concerned about the shocking new video in which Donald Trump describes his pickup technique, which apparently includes grabbing a woman’s genitalia as soon as he’s introduced.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Conway. “Everybody grabs a pussy at some point in their life, and some of us grab a whole bunch of pussies. I’d be willing to bet that Hillary Clinton has grabbed more than her share of pussies in her time. In fact, I bet there’s not a pussy in the State Department she hasn’t grabbed.”

When asked about Republican lawmakers lining up to withdraw their endorsements of Mr. Trump, Conway called them ‘pussies.’

“These establishment politicians are all just a bunch of pussies,” Conway said, as she massaged her crotch. “They’re all bunch of hypocrites because I know from working with them that they grab pussy any chance they get.

“I feel confident that our supporters will see through this attempt by the Clinton Campaign to divert attention from the things that really matter, like proving we never landed on the moon and exposing the conspiracy to cover up the Roswell Incident.

“So I say let’s not be distracted by a little pussy grabbing. After all, it’s what makes the world go round!”