ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising those viewers who have poorly functioning frontal lobes due to head injuries, strokes, or frequent trips to Flint, Michigan, that they should avoid wandering aimlessly in the streets in front of active snow plows, particularly in blizzard conditions when the driver can barely see where the fuck he’s going.
Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion made it clear that although it’s fun to play in the snow and enjoy the unusual conditions, one should try to stay alive while doing it.
“Just because there are no cars on the roads doesn’t mean that your life is not in danger when you walk around in the snow-covered streets,” said Champion. “Snow plows are large, heavy vehicles often piloted by underpaid employees whose only qualifications for the job are the fact that they are breathing and have a valid driver’s license.
“Many drivers take advantage of the conditions to get drunk or high before plowing the streets and are totally unaware of what is going on around them, and during a blizzard they may not even see your sorry ass. So if you are going to go risk going outside in these deadly conditions, then don’t walk around or lie down in the street.”
Champion also suggested that anyone going outside their home when one inch or more of snow was on the ground should wear a goose down mountaineering suit, huge, unwieldy boots with crampons, full body armor, a football helmet, and carry supplemental oxygen in a massive tank on their back. He also said that for even a short journey out-of-doors, you should carry enough food and water to last a week in case you’re trapped in a snowdrift or engulfed by an avalanche pouring off your neighbor’s roof.
“You just never can be too careful, and we at the Weather Channel want everyone to stay safe while we celebrate the number of road closures, premature deaths due to exposure and car accidents, and the billions of dollars lost to the economy by Winter Storm Jonas,” concluded a breathless Champion.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that a 55 gallon drum of Astroglide has been delivered to the Weather Channel headquarters building in Atlanta in preparation for the annual Weather Channel Winter Storm Orgy that occurs during the first major frozen precipitation event of the season.
Wolf Blitzer told viewers today that unnamed sources within the Weather Channel “family” had phoned him and said that this year’s party celebrating the widespread panic and destruction caused by Winter Storm Jonas promised to “blow all the past orgies away.”
The sexual marathon is infamous in Atlanta and has been responsible for multiple unplanned pregnancies and vicious divorce proceedings in the past.
“I can’t begin to count the number of kids that have been conceived during this annual no-holes-barred (literally) sexual romp,” said Blitzer. “They get so excited and out of control over there that Coke bottles aren’t safe.”
“This year the office manager has apparently gone hog-wild and ordered enough lubricant for a herd of elephants,” said a visibly aroused Blitzer.
“They also bought out the entire stock from Tower liquor store on Piedmont and Green’s over on Buford Highway. There are rumors that Inserection and the Love Shack made deliveries early this afternoon. It’s meteorologists gone wild!”
The introduction of erectile dysfunction drugs a few years back turned the party from a one night fling into a test of endurance for the participants. In recent years the drug and alcohol fueled moral abomination has lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours, depending on the length of the blizzard and the number of road closures and casualties.
However, with the epic snowstorm now brewing in D.C. and along the Eastern Seaboard, no one has any idea how long this one will last. A memo from Weather Channel management obtained by Blitzer stressed the need for all employees to remain properly hydrated for the duration, but as a precaution emergency medical personnel from nearby hospitals have been put on alert.
Blitzer closed the segment by wishing all the Weather Channel employees “the very best of luck,” but lamented that this marks the fifth year in row he was not invited to the event.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising all elderly or weak individuals in the path of Winter Storm Jonas to go ahead and commit suicide before the storm hits.
Weather Channel stalwart Jim Cantore, reporting from the nation’s capital, told viewers today that suicide would be preferable to a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the blizzard.
“If you are elderly, weak, or disabled, and unable to flee the path of the storm, it would be much better for you to go ahead and end it all now while you still have power,” said Cantore, after shooting up half a gram of methamphetamine.
“You certainly don’t want to slowly freeze to death in your home surrounded by cats, who are sure to devour your bloated corpse in the days to come. In fact, I advise even young adults who are depressed or have bleak economic futures to do the same. Remember, no one will be coming to check on you because you have no friends and you alienated your family a long time ago. Just get it over with, for God’s sake.”
David Clark, president of the Weather Channel, was quick to point out that although Cantore’s recommendations had merit, they represented his opinions alone and were not those of Weather Channel management.