Iran Expected To Do Excellent Job Inspecting Their Own Fucking Nuclear Facility

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VIENNA – (CT&P) – Iran, in an unusual arrangement, will be allowed to use its own experts to inspect a site it allegedly used to develop nuclear arms under a secret agreement with the U.N. agency that normally carries out such work, according to a document seen by The Associated Press.

The agreement diverges from normal inspection procedures between the IAEA and a member country by essentially ceding the agency’s investigative authority to Iran. It allows Tehran to employ its own experts and equipment in the search for evidence of activities that it has been lying its ass off about for years.

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Chief Iranian negotiator and Minister of the Department of Vaporizing Tel Aviv, Mohammad Javad Zarif, told the Tehran Times-Picayune that “these Americans never fail to crack me up.”

“This historic agreement will guarantee the world that Iran has not been lying about the Parchin site because if it were, that would mean that it was dishonest,” said U.N. President Sam “I Am” Boutros Boutros Kahamba Kutesa Zimbabwe Smith.

“I feel confident that Iranian inspectors would let us know in a heartbeat if Iran was up to anything bad or mean-spirited.”

Condemnation of the ludicrous agreement was swift and caustic by Israeli politicians in Tel Aviv and those assigned to work within the U.S. Congress.

Senator Tom “Dead Eyes” Cotton told Fox News that “the time has come to turn Iran into glass,” and he would be more than willing to ride the first bomb targeted for Tehran.

Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu told the Bethlehem Fair Dealer that he was ready to fly to the United States and “kick Obama’s black ass.”

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Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has volunteered to ride the first bomb destined for Iran sometime late next week.

Evidence of the concession, as outlined in the document, is sure to increase pressure from U.S. congressional opponents as they review the July 14 Iran nuclear deal and vote on a resolution of disapproval in early September. If the resolution passed and President Barack Obama vetoed it, opponents would need a two-thirds majority to override it. Even Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, has suggested opponents will likely lose.

 

The White House has denied claims by critics that a secret “side deal” favorable to Tehran exists. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has said the Parchin document is like other routine arrangements that allow crazed bloodthirsty Muslims to inspect their own fucking weapons facilities.

 

Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., rubs his faces as he listens to Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speak during his confirmation hearing to become the next top diplomat, replacing Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013, on Capitol Hill in Washington. Kerry is likely to face friendly questioning on a smooth path to approval before the committee he has served on for 28 years and led for the past four. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression and is on round the clock suicide watch in his Boston mansion after trying to choke himself to death with a bottle of ketchup.

“This agreement is no different from numerous agreements we’ve made with other religious kooks who want to return to the good old days before there was electricity and indoor plumbing,” said Kerry, who looked like he had just been told he had a week to live. “I see no problem with it.”

Republican critics are bound to harshly criticize any document that cedes to Iran the right to look for the very nuclear wrongdoing that it has denied committing.

Olli Heinonen, who was in charge of the Iran probe as deputy IAEA director general from 2005 to 2010, said he can think of no instance where a country being probed was allowed to do its own investigation.

“This is just fucked up,” said Heinonen. “It would be like assigning Heinrich Himmler to inspect Dachau for evidence of crimes against humanity. It’s insane.”

 

 

 

 

 

Iranians Balk At Written Agreement, Reserve Right To Incinerate Tel Aviv

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LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.

John Kerry

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression after this morning’s announcement. “He was such a nervous wreck he had trouble finishing his latte,” said one reporter.

“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”

The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.

The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.

France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”

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“At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them,” said German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.

Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.

“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”

 

Robby The Robot To Run For Republican Nomination

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ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

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Commander John Adams and his sometime girlfriend Altaira, both Democrats, were shocked and dismayed by Robby’s announcement. “He’s smarter than the rest of those idiots put together and stands a real chance of being elected,” said Adams.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

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Robby is said to have discussed his political plans with his good friend from the other side of the aisle John Kerry

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.

 

John Kerry Crashes Bike And Breaks His Fucking Leg

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GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.

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Kerry avoided more serious injury because he was wearing a custom-made pumpkinhead/xenomorph helmet specially designed to fit on top of his enormous flat skull.

“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.

None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.

“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.

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None of the French schoolchildren were seriously injured in the accident but drunken Secret Service agents later killed 12 cyclists while in route to the hospital.

The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.

Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.

Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.

John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.

Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.

 

Kerry Confident Muslims Will Stop Murdering Each Other Before Hell Freezes Over

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SEOUL – (CT&P) – Secretary of State John Kerry say he’s confident that the cave dwelling fanatics that have been slaughtering each other for centuries over a religious dispute will stop killing each other long before the end of time.

Kerry, who is traveling through South Korea, says that he’s always said the fight between different sects of the “religion of peace” would be a long one, but would eventually burn itself out just like the Hundred Year’s War between Catholics and Protestants did in Europe.

He said that Ramadi was a “target of opportunity” for the savages from the Islamic State but he’s confident that the savages that we currently support will get the upper hand in coming days, which in turn will lead to another round of murder and mayhem, thus reducing the numbers of fighters on both sides.

Senate Foreign Relations Chairman Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., rubs his faces as he listens to Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speak during his confirmation hearing to become the next top diplomat, replacing Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Thursday, Jan. 24, 2013, on Capitol Hill in Washington. Kerry is likely to face friendly questioning on a smooth path to approval before the committee he has served on for 28 years and led for the past four.  (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

When asked to analyze Jeb Bush’s comments on his brother’s invasion of Iraq, Kerry put is head in his hands and did an imitation of Lurch from the Addams Family

Ramadi fell to ISIS on Sunday, as Iraqi forces that we spent billions to train and equip ran like frightened schoolchildren in the face of a few black and white flags mounted on top of pickup trucks. The brave Iraqi troops abandoned their weapons and armored vehicles to flee the provincial capital in a major loss despite intensified U.S.-led airstrikes.

“I’m confident that once all of these idiots on both sides are dead the fighting will stop,” said Kerry.

When asked by a reporter why the fuck we continue to get involved in this ridiculous bloodletting over imaginary friends in the sky, an exasperated Kerry replied, “Because of the oil, you dumb shit!”

“Look, everyone knows these 7th century cretins are going to continue to murder each other until the camels come home, but we hope we can immolate enough of them with air strikes and artillery barrages to secure the oil supply for at least another few decades. After that, we really don’t give a fuck.”

Kerry closed the impromptu presser by saying that we were not at war with Islam and had great respect for its long history of showing tolerance and love for members of different religions just before killing them.

“We hope that in the future other countries can be more like America where we tolerate people with a wide variety of fucked up religious beliefs and usually stop short of burning them alive no matter how wacked-out and batshit crazy they may be,” said Kerry.

Iranians Balk At Written Agreement, Reserve Right To Incinerate Tel Aviv

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LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.

John Kerry

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression after this morning’s announcement. “He was such a nervous wreck he had trouble finishing his latte,” said one reporter.

“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”

The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.

The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.

France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”

chamberlain_1938

“At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them,” said German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.

Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.

“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”

 

Secretary Of State John Kerry To Take Leave Of Absence

John Kerry

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest announced that John Kerry will be taking time off his duties as secretary of state so that he can be given a thorough psychological examination at McClean Hospital in Boston. After the examination Mr. Kerry will be closely observed by a team of mental health professionals for an undetermined period in order to ascertain just how unhinged the former senator from Massachusetts has become.

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Mr. Kerry reportedly attempted to recruit perennial French favorite Jerry Lewis to make the trip but was told by the 88 year old comedian that he was “out of his fucking mind.”

The action by the White House comes on the heels of Mr. Kerry’s visit to Paris where he attempted to make up for the lack of representation from the United States at the “free speech solidarity march” attended by millions in the streets of Paris last Sunday. Mr. Kerry was accompanied by singer/songwriter James Taylor, who sang “You’ve Got a Friend” to puzzled and confused French government officials and prominent citizens.

In a muddled and seemingly unending statement made before the trip, Mr. Kerry had told reporters in the United States that he wanted to give the French people a “big hug.”

The trip and mini-concert by Taylor has been criticized and mocked by almost every media outlet in the free world, and has given new fodder for the right-wing and the kooks over at Fox News to use against President Obama in their ongoing campaign to turn him into some sort of Antichrist.

 

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To make up for Lewis’ absence in Paris, Mr. Kerry appeared in costume and told a few jokes in an attempt to cheer up the French people

“The President would just like to make it clear that this whole James Taylor thing was Secretary Kerry’s doing,” said Earnest. “We had nothing to do with it. We have no clue what, if anything, was going on inside Mr. Kerry’s small mind when he decided to drag that dude out of whatever basement he was mouldering in. I never thought the guy was that good when he was in his prime, much less now.”

 

“As soon as Mr. Kerry is deemed to longer be a threat to himself or those around him he will be allowed to return to his duties,” continued Earnest. “We don’t want to have to go through the process of selecting a new secretary of state this late in the term. The folks over at McClean will give him top notch care and as many meds as he needs. Besides, no one is going to miss him for a few weeks anyway.”