Republican Base Bewildered By Last Night’s Debate

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MIAMI – (CT&P) – Interviews conducted by Fox News today indicate that last night’s presidential debate has left most of the Republican base confused and bewildered.

Although most of the candidates’ statements were outright lies or feeble attempts to mask a desire to return to the Middle Ages, the debate mostly featured policy issues and little of the name-calling and childlike behavior of earlier contests.

“The debate was much more civil than the others,” said Chris Mathews of MSNBC. “For the most part the candidates acted like adults, albeit dumb ones.”

This change in behavior and shift towards arguing about policy issues has apparently stunned GOP voters and left them wondering who to trust.

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Cyrus Buttplug of Panama City Beach, Florida told Fox News that he “Didn’t understand what the fuck the candidates were saying last night” and wished they would stick to the “important shit” like they did in earlier debates.

“I didn’t understand a God damn thing they said up thar last night,” said Cyrus Buttplug, a longtime Trump supporter from Panama City Beach, Florida. “Just how the hell we gonna make ‘Murica great again talkin’ ’bout social security and fern relations? I don’t know who to vote fer now.”

Reverend Billy Bob McSneed, a kooky religious zealot and pastor of Our Lady of the Malfunctioning Scrotum Baptist Church in Putrid Springs, Texas, has been a supporter of Ted Cruz since he first announced his candidacy.

“I’m disappointed in Ted,” said the pastor. “I didn’t hear him mention the Baby Jesus one time. Not once! Just how in the hell are we gonna run this country without consulting the Baby Jesus? Tell me that!”

After the interview segments ran on Fox today campaign spokesmen have been scrambling to get on the air with the major networks to assure voters that the candidates will be back to name-calling, gutter humor, and mindless insults at the next debate, so the poorly educated base of the Republican Party has nothing to worry about.

“I think the potential nominees have seen their mistake and will do their best to correct it,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “With so much at stake in 2016, we just can’t afford to start making sense right now.”

 

 

 

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Ohio State To Play Tougher Schedule

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama signed an executive order today that will force Ohio State to play a tougher schedule each year or be banned from whining like a bunch of pussies, according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

At a press conference this afternoon Earnest told reporters that the entire country was “sick and fucking tired” of Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about how great they are and how they could have beaten Alabama or Clemson easily if only they had been in the college football playoff.

The order calls for Ohio State to play at least one game per year against a quality opponent from outside the Big Ten, preferably a team from the SEC or ACC. Cupcakes such as Wake Forest and Vanderbilt are excluded from the list of possible opponents. If Ohio State refuses to schedule a team that actually has quality players on it, there will be a gag order placed on all players and fans.

Any coach, player or fan who disregards the order and runs his or her fucking mouth will face heavy fines and possible jail time.

Ohio governor and presidential candidate John Kasich called the order just another example of Obama run amok issuing edicts like a despot.

“Obama is a tyrant, that much is clear,” said Kasich.

However, the order has been greeted with approval from nearly every corner of the country excluding the State of Ohio. Even fellow GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, praised the action.

“I can’t tell you how sick we are of that idiot Urban Meyer and those Buckeye bumpkins going on and on about how great they are,” said Huckabee. “I used to think that Obama was the Antichrist, but in his last year in office he seems to have found the Lord. It’s a great day. SEC! SEC! SEC!”