Republican Lawmakers Scramble To Preserve Streams And Wetlands For Industrial Runoff

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Reaction to new EPA clean water rules has been fast and furious on Capitol Hill among Republican lawmakers, who are currently scrambling to craft legislation that will insure that our pristine streams and wetlands will be reserved for use by large corporations and factory farms. The pro-pollution Republican Caucus has been joined in the effort by Democrats from farm states who are willing to put aside core values in favor of campaign contributions.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) summed up the anti-environment position nicely in his reaction to the EPA’s rules release.

“The administration’s decree to unilaterally expand federal authority is a raw and tyrannical power grab that will crush large corporations, giant factory farms, and faceless industrial giants that need these streams and wetlands as a place to dump their deadly chemicals,” said Boehner.

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Boehner compared the EPA to the Khmer Rouge and said that if the rules were allowed to stand, giant corporations would lose a little money, which would precipitate a genocide in America’s heartland.

“These leaders know firsthand that the rule is being shoved down the throats of hardworking CEO’s with no input, and places giant landowners, benevolent corporations such as Monsanto, and manufacturers of carcinogenic pesticides on the road to a regulatory and economic hell not seen since the days of the ‘Killing Fields’ in Cambodia. If these rules are allowed to stand, these innocent victims of government overreach will actually have to think twice before fucking up the entire American landscape for the rest of us.”

Boehner paused to wipe spittle from his chin and take a sip of Wild Turkey before continuing:

“This power grab is part of a three-prong socialist conspiracy to take over large portions of the United States, including vast areas of the southwest, by any means possible. Providing the American people with health care, clean water, and clean air will only lead to a healthier and more informed oppressed class, and we in the Republican Party just cannot allow that to happen.”

Boehner ended the press conference by saying that President Obama was a minion of Satan and only an idiot would want to drink clean water and breathe clean air.

“Look at me,” said Boehner, “I do just fine on a steady diet of bourbon, tar, and solar radiation.”

Michele Bachmann To Be Launched Into Outer Space

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CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Former U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann will be launched into outer space in early June, according to anonymous sources within John Boehner’s office and officials from Space Exploration Technologies Company, the private corporation founded by billionaire Elon Musk. The ex-congresswoman from Minnesota will depart planet earth aboard a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket specifically tasked with placing Bachmann in a stable orbit around earth until sometime after the 2016 presidential election.

“The plan is to jettison Bachmann as soon as the Dragon spacecraft achieves near-earth orbit,” said Gwynne Shotwell, president and CEO of SpaceX. “She’ll stay there, in a stable orbit, for approximately 18 months, tethered to a supply capsule with enough oxygen and Tang to sustain basic bodily functions and a bare minimum of brain activity. She should be able to function in about the same manner as she does here on earth.”

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Bachmann will be supplied with enough oxygen and nutrients to barely survive the long and lonely assignment. Her regular prescription of anti-psychotic drugs will be dissolved in her drinking water.

When asked what Bachmann will be doing all that time, Shotwell said, “Not much. She’ll just spin around and around in empty space like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. We’re going equip her with communications equipment to report any anomalies she might encounter, but the whole idea of putting her up there is to make her shut her fucking mouth, so I doubt if anyone will be listening anyway.”

The idea of launching Bachmann into space originated in Speaker of the House John Boehner’s office. An aide to the speaker told CNN that Boehner and the Republican leadership had heard enough of her “kooky shit” to last a lifetime, and didn’t want “that crazy bitch” to screw up the GOP’s chances in the upcoming election.

Things apparently came to a head last week after Bachmann appeared on something called End Times Radio claiming President Obama was bringing about the end of the world by negotiating a nuclear treaty with Iran. She also raved on and on about “God’s time clock,” whatever the hell that is supposed to be.

As if she had not already appeared absolutely unhinged, Bachmann then claimed that Muslims have lusted after an atomic bomb for hundreds of years, apparently unaware that the damn things were invented during World War II.

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Bachmann will return to earth after the election via SpaceX’s floating platform that has proved so reliable in the past.

“The woman is clearly bat-shit crazy and there’s no telling what kind of black eye she could give our candidate in the upcoming election,” said the aide to Boehner. “We’re already having a hard enough time with Cruz, Huckabee, and Carson making it look like the whole party belongs on a mental ward. This election is just too damn important to screw up, so we decided to launch the bitch into space. We debated whether we could just drown her and claim she was a witch, but we decided that would be unethical even by our standards, so we settled on the space thing.”

Mrs Bachmann has been told that she will be performing a critical task for her country by circling the globe watching out for near-earth asteroids and other threats to the globe. She told Sean Hannity of Fox News that she could not be more delighted with the mission.

“Sean, I’m thrilled to be of service to my country and to Christians everywhere,” said Bachmann. “It’s a real honor that I will be the first human being to see the giant rock that Jesus is going throw at us to kick off the End Time festivities. I just can’t wait until the entire planet is consumed by war, famine and pestilence, and adults and children all over the world are immolated in the raging flames of God’s holy love. I think it’s great!”

Although SpaceX has no immediate plans for placing anyone else into orbit around the earth, Musk has voiced a desire to colonize LV-426, a planetoid 37 light years away in the binary star system Zeta Reticulli. Idiot politicians and pundits on both sides of the aisle are high on his list of potential expedition members.

 

 

 

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

GOP Continues Minority Outreach Program By Sending Some White Guy To Selma

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SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

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Speaker Boehner told reporters that the GOP leadership hesitated to send anyone important because they did not want to irritate their racist base, who still pines for the “good ole days.”

“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.

“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.

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No one was able to identify the Republican dude who traveled to Selma but Boehner told journalists that he is well-known by several dozen white folks in D.C.

In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”

Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush  was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.

The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.

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The GOP representative, later identified as Kevin McCarthy, had to leave the proceedings early to attend a fundraiser for Ferguson cops and their families

 

President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.

Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.

Republicans Prove That They Are Ready To Govern By Funding DHS For An Entire Week

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – House Republican leaders proved that they are ready to lead America on Friday by putting together a historic compromise that funded the Department of Homeland Security for an entire week. The House voted 357-60 to keep the DHS open by extending funding for a whopping seven days.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) was forced to turn to Democrats to pass the bill, because the kooky Tea Party members of the caucus refused to vote for it on the grounds that Hispanic people are inferior to whites and should not be allowed to stay in the country.

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Boehner told reporters that he was proud that most of his caucus overcame its hatred of poor brown children long enough to consider the security of the United States

Boehner had hoped to fund the DHS for even longer than a week and indeed the Senate had approved a three-week extension earlier, but conservative Tea Baggers rejected that compromise hammered out by the Speaker because it didn’t go far enough in blocking President Obama’s executive orders on immigration.

Nevertheless, Boehner was ebullient when interviewed over the weekend at his favorite watering hole in Georgetown, the Rogue Elephant.

“I’m very proud that at least some members of our caucus managed to overcome their hatred of minorities long enough to consider the security of the United States,” said Boehner, as he swirled a brown substance around in his glass.

“This week we hope to patch together an even more momentous compromise which will fund the department for an entire month! That way we’ll have some time to vote on another repeal of Obamacare and get down to work putting together some important tax breaks for the Koch brothers and other members of the 1%.”

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Mitch McConnell said that Boehner could count on his full support as long as Kentucky Romaine growers received federal farm subsidies for the upcoming year

Mitch McConnell, who was one stool over from the Speaker eating a salad, agreed.

“Uh…yeah…well…I just hope we’re able to slide that provision for those Romaine lettuce growers in there as well,” said McConnell, and then retracted his head inside his shell to take a nap.

“All in all I think this bill has shown just how concerned we are about the American people, and proves that we are mature enough to govern the country,” said Boehner. “I really look forward to the primaries so Americans can see just how great a Republican president would be.”

Pundits were not as optimistic as Boehner, however.

“You could not pay me enough to be in Boehner’s position,” said Chris Matthews. “Half of his caucus looks and acts like it just fell off the turnip truck. This group of idiots could not find its ass with both hands. God help us all if one of those clowns gets elected president. We’d all be doomed.”

 

Republican Leaders Heartbroken Over Government Shutdown

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.

“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”

The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.

U.S. Senator Cruz reacts as he answers questions during the Reuters Washington Summit in Washington

The shutdown rendered Senator Ted Cruz speechless for the first time in his political career. An aide remarked that he had never sounded so intelligent.

Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.

Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.

However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.

“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”

The day was not a total write-off however.

House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.

White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

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Although his skin is a bright orange color most of the time, Speaker Boehner is in fact a white man who is a strong supporter of wealthy white people and their business interests

“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

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Scalise told Reuters that the lighting in the auditorium was “really, really, bad” and he had no idea that the “dudes in sheets” were white supremacists

“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.