Anti Vaxxers Call Emergency Séance To Seek Guidance From Spirit World


SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.

Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.


Anti-vax leader and serial killer Jeffrey John Aufderheide will be the keynote speaker at the emergency meeting

The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.

The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.

Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”


Aufderheide has repeatedly warned visitors to his website that lizard people from outer space are attempting to take over our planet

Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.

“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”


Anti-vax leaders invited New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to attend the summit in hopes that the gravitational field that surrounds him will attract long dead personalities from the spirit world to their fucked up seance

Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”

Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.


Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.

“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ’em!”