DOHA, QATAR – (CT&P) – Corporate executives from Al Jazeera announced their fall lineup of reality shows last week at a press conference overseen by a squad of imams and other experts on the fucked up system of archaic rules and regulations known as sharia law.
The lineup includes some innovative and progressive shows that make a bold departure from the usual programming of beheadings, immolations, and riots protesting the existence of Israel and the “Great Satan.”
“We think that our fall lineup will be a big hit with Arabs who live in areas that are not seething masses of perpetual religious hatred,” said Ahib Skyhook, vice president of content for the network.
Al Jazeera hopes to pump up its ratings by offering something new rather than the continuous rounds of torture and executions. “That’s so last year,” said Skyhook.
“In those countries that have not been decimated by civil war and sectarian violence, the shows will be a welcome respite from the constant feeling of impending doom caused by our adherence to a religion that makes about as much sense as Mormonism or Scientology.
“We look forward to excellent ratings in those territories where people are actually allowed to view television broadcast without fear of being stoned to death.”
Skyhook didn’t reveal the entire lineup, because he said that Muslims love surprises almost as much as they love car bombs. However, he did give us a glimpse of what to expect:
Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip-Follow the fun as Palestinian housewives try desperately to find enough food and water to sustain their families while dodging Israeli cluster munitions and horny Hamas soldiers bent on having good time.
Sex Slaves Gone Wild-Airhead female recruits from Europe give ISIS militants a taste of western culture.
Fully Clothed and Terrified-Each week a man and woman are dropped off in no man’s land along the Syrian border with Iraq and are asked to survive for three days while avoiding bloodthirsty militias, deadly scorpions, and Allied air attacks.
Stupid Kurd Tricks-Mayhem ensues when wild and crazy Kurds balance on speeding SUV’s and do somersaults on angry camels.
Goat Dynasty will offer an intimate look inside the lives of ignorant Arab rednecks as they have sex with animals and preach the gospel of Muhammad.
Dead Sea Shore–Brain dead young people from the deep desert raise hell in expensive beach resorts.
Dancing with Death-Celebrity contestants perform live dance routines in minefields along the Golan Heights.
Pimp My Burqa-A spin-off of the wildly popular Pimp My Camel. Oppressed women get to spruce up their heavy black garments with sequins and extra-large eye holes.
The Good Harem–A bevy of gorgeous concubines deal with a life full of existential threats.
19 Wives and Counting-A henpecked oil sheik tries to keep the peace in a 200 room palace.
Goat Dynasty–Illiterate shepherds try to sell milk and cheese on the street why extolling the virtues of jihad.
Syria’s Got Talent-Contestants compete in a variety of tasks including bomb-making, sniping, and sewing stylish suicide vests.
Deadliest Snatch-Militiamen take their chances with hookers in Tikrit who have been infected by the CIA.
Pimp my Burqa is a spin-off of the popular Jordanian show Pimp My Camel.
So You Think You’re a Killer–Raw ISIS recruits prove their value by using bayonets on infants and gay people.
Survivor Mosul–Surrounded and out of supplies, terrorists must live by their wits as Iranian militiamen close in.
The Jihadi Bachelorette–A beautiful and bloodthirsty bitch chooses from a group of lice ridden Neanderthal throwbacks who haven’t washed in weeks.
The Apprentice Bomb Maker–A beginner tries to retain his hands while working with sweating sticks of TNT.
The Amazing Race For Your Fucking Life–Syrian refugees battle heat, dehydration, and Allied drones while trying to escape to Turkey.
Bad Concubine’s Club-Misbehaving mistresses wreak havoc all over the desert.
These are just some of the exciting shows that Al Jazeera has on tap for the fall.
Skyhook told CNN that the network feels confident about their success, so long as no one sets off a nuke during Ramadan and ruins the fun for everyone.