Belgium Unable To Find Its Ass With Both Hands

Belgian soldiers patrol in central Brussels as police searched the area during a continued high level of security following the recent deadly Paris attacks

 

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Belgian security forces have been unable to locate Belgium’s ass despite days of searches and dozens of raids on likely targets throughout the country, according to Prime Minister Charles Michel.

“We know our ass is around here somewhere, but we just can’t find it,” said Michel at a press conference this morning.

“I want to assure the Belgian people and citizens of the world that this does not mean that Belgian security is lax or that our intelligence services are in any way incompetent. It’s just that we can’t seem to find anything that might lead us to the current location of our own ass.”

Despite offers from French and U.S. intelligence services to help Belgium find its ass, Prime Minister Michel insists that Belgium can do it on its own.

“We don’t need anyone poking around Belgium looking for our ass. We’re perfectly capable of finding it on our own,” said the exasperated PM.

Bentley To Lead GOP Delegation To Raqqa

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MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been named to lead a GOP delegation to Raqqa next month to meet with ISIS leaders in order to better coordinate the Republican Party’s response to recent terror attacks. Senator Jeff Sessions, (R-AL) will also be part of the delegation.

The delegation, made up of GOP governors and lawmakers, will sit down and try to iron out just how the party can better achieve the goals and ambitions of ISIS and other terrorist organizations around the Middle East.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus told CNN that although the Republican leadership felt like it had taken positive steps to cooperate and support ISIS by banning Syrian refugees entry to many states, and trying to shut down the refugee program completely in the U.S. House of Representatives, a lot more could be accomplished if politicians could sit down face-to-face with the terrorists and iron out a detailed plan for cooperation.

“We really want to foster hatred for all Muslims around the world and try our best to make this a Christianity vs Islam world war, and we feel the best way to do that is cooperate fully with ISIS and do their bidding as much as possible,” said Priebus.

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ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told Al-Jazeera that he was delighted that the goals of the Paris attack were being achieved and looked forward to working closer with Republican lawmakers.

“We named Governor Bentley and Senator Sessions to lead this delegation because they were the most bigoted assholes we could think of, and it sure doesn’t hurt that they’re from Alabama, given its history of racial prejudice and backwards-ass lawmaking.

“We wanted to get a few presidential candidates on the delegation but the only one dumb enough to volunteer was Dr. Ben “Mad Dog” Carson, but as it turns out his psychotherapist has not OK’ed him for overseas travel.”

The delegation is scheduled to fly into Baghdad and travel overland to Raqqa to meet ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and some of his most murderous lieutenants.

“I look forward to meeting some of America’s dumbest politicians, and building a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with these dirty, filthy pig-dogs,” said Baghdadi during an interview with Al-Jazeera.

“However, I would like to warn them not to smoke or insult the Prophet while in Raqqa or they will be burned alive or torn apart by wild dogs while we watch.”

The delegation is scheduled to arrive in Raqqa on December 23rd, just in time for Christmas.

 

 

 

Obama Vows To Increase War On ISIS To Three-Quarters Ass Level

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a briefing early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that President Obama was bowing to pressure from French President Francois Hollande by ramping up our efforts to destroy ISIS to the dreaded three-quarters ass level.

“The President has decided that we’ve been fucking around at the half-ass level long enough, and it’s time to really get tough with these bastards,” said Earnest.

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Putin did not appear impressed with President Obama’s promises to “get tough” on ISIS. The Russian president made his remarks while personally patrolling the borders of Chechnya looking for terrorists to torture.

Mr. Earnest said that the new level of engagement consisted of doing the same fucking thing we’ve been doing for over a year, just more of it.

“We’re really going to let them have it now,” he said.

Mr. Obama will be meeting with President Hollande at the White House next week where he will explain how his strategy of bombing empty buildings and ancient oil transport trucks is a sure-fire way to demoralize and destroy the 7th Century savages we’re up against.

When reached for comment on the new American war plan, Vladimir Putin merely chuckled and said, “Whatever.”

 

 

FBI Says Geller Never In Any Real Danger

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BOSTON – (CT&P) Officials revealed this week that the Islamic State terror group has a foothold in all 50 states as it continues to target disaffected Americans through its torrent of online propaganda and slick videos of barbaric beheadings and mutilations.

The stark warning comes days after ISIS-inspired gunman Saif Rezgui unleashed horror on at a Tunisian beach resort, killing 39 vacationers and wounding dozens more. 

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At one time Ms Geller was fairly attractive but that was before her hair was mysteriously transformed into a seething mass of pit vipers.

The FBI has reportedly set up command centers in each of its 56 field offices in case extremists try to mark the July 4 weekend by unleashing similar carnage here in the U.S. American ISIS ‘recruits’ to date have included schoolgirls, a young nurse, a homophobic bakery manager and part-time florist and even a National Guard soldier who hatched a plan to gun down 120 of his own colleagues. 

FBI agents have made at least 30 arrests on US soil this year as they try to combat the murderous reach of ISIS and its batshit crazy religious kook followers.

Some have conspired to travel or send friends abroad to link up with fundamentalist fighters while others have plotted jihad here in the US – with Capitol Hill among the targets for a foiled bombing raid.

Gunmen Elton Simpson, 30, and Nadir Soofi, 34, came perilously close on May 4 when they were shot dead while trying to storm a controversial ‘Draw Mohammed’ event in Garland, Texas.

Another young fanatic, Usaamah Rahim, 26, was killed last month as he lunged at police with a knife in Boston’s Roslindale neighborhood. He was allegedly plotting to decapitate controversial anti-Islam activist Pamela Geller, the organizer of the same controversial Texas event.

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Americans are split on whether it would be best to adopt sharia law or live in a world where people like Geller are in charge.

However, Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III of the FBI’s Boston field office told CNN today that Geller really never had to worry about Rahim.

“Ms Geller was never in any real danger from Rahim,” said Zimbalist. “To get close enough to cut her head off Rahim would have had to look at her face, and he would have been instantly turned to stone, thus stopping the attack in its tracks.

“For example, the last Islamic State sniper that took aim at Ms Geller was found on a rooftop 300 yards from her home while still holding his 30.06. He had been transformed into a granite statue. I think the plan is to place him on the National Mall so he can serve as a reminder as to what happens when these fucked up kooks try to take out someone as obnoxious as Ms Geller.

No one really knows why Geller’s face has such an extreme effect on people who view her up close, but scientists postulate that the burning hatred she has of anything non-Geller may have something to do with it.

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Only last week Omar Abdul Sahib Skyhook was turned into granite while trying to remove Ms Geller’s head with a hatchet during a dinner party in Manhattan.

The phenomenon first came to light in 2007, when her husband Michael Oshry, a used car dealer specializing in organized crime, was found dead in their home. The official story was he had died of a heart attack but anonymous sources told Fox News that he had been turned into an igneous rock formation while taking a shower.

“We’re more concerned with someone using explosives against Ms Geller,” said Zimbalist. “The bitch is just too noxious for anyone to actually get close enough to use any hand-held weapons against her.”

Zimbalist said that more arrests may be made over the holiday weekend, and advised U.S. citizens to exercise “extreme caution” as they go about their business consuming pork products and watching things explode.

Taliban Accuses ISIS Of Recruiting Violations

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KABUL – (CT&P) – On Tuesday Afghan Taliban A&M warned ISIS recruiters to stay out of Afghanistan in a rare open letter to the NCAA and Islamic State University Athletic Department officials. The letter accused Islamic State of a variety of recruiting violations that included cash bribes, promises of gifts such as up-armored Cadillac Esplanades, rocket-propelled grenades, and guarantees of sex with dozens of young virgins if Afghan athletes would sign athletic scholarships with Islamic State University.

The Islamic Emirate — the Taliban’s name for Afghanistan — only allows the struggle “against foreign invaders to be under the leadership of Taliban A&M,” read the letter signed by the group’s athletic director and coordinator of infidel beheadings, Akhtar Mohammad Mansour. The letter was shared with NBC News and posted on the college’s Facebook page.

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Among other violations, ISIS recruiters are suspected of blowing up a Taliban University team train carrying players to an ethnic cleansing event at Helmand College in the Southwestern Conference.

“Jihadi groups across the Muslim world are all competing for the vast pool of dirt poor, uneducated, goat fucking raw recruits to bolster our offensive lines and backfields. We all need swift and strong running backs who can strap on suicide vests and punch holes in the infidel defense so our masses of dim-witted religious freaks can pour through and get down to some serious atrocities and abominations perpetrated on helpless women and children.

“Every university has their own sphere of influence and geographical area where they recruit. They each have their own organizational structure,” continued the letter, which was addressed to Islamic State Presidant Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “If your meddling in their affairs creates division, it will cause in bloodshed within these organizations.”

The lengthy statement was issued amid reports of deepening divisions within the Afghan Taliban Conference, with some university presidents supporting peace talks with Islamic State and others vowing to continue fighting until a clear regional champion was crowned.

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Islamic State Head Coach T. E. Lawrence points out weaknesses in the Taliban defensive line during a match played in the Tribal Regions in 2013.

In January, ISIS’ media arm declared Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan to be one region called the Khorasan Conference, prompting some athletes to pledge allegiance to the group.

According to the government of the eastern Nangahar Conference, around 100 families have been displaced by fighting among university recruiters in the last three weeks. About 150 running backs and wide receivers have been killed during that time, a spokesman for the NCAA told NBC News.

At this time the controversy shows no signs of letting up, and NCAA President Mark Emmert told NBC that “Until we come up with some sort of agreement with all the universities in the region regarding recruiting rules and regulations there is just no way to stop the bloodshed between universities. It’s going to be next to impossible to unite all these bloodthirsty religious assholes into a single, unified mass of seething hatred unless we get all this ironed out and come up with some sort of playoff system.”

ISIS Refuses To Serve Water To Customers; Cites Religious Freedom Restoration Act

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BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State militants have curtailed the amount of water flowing to government-held areas in Iraq’s western Anbar province, an official said Thursday, the latest in the vicious war as Iraqi forces struggle to claw back ground held by the extremists in the Sunni heartland.

It’s not the first time that water has been used as a weapon of war in Mideast conflicts and in Iraq in particular. Earlier this year, the Islamic State group reduced the flow through another lock outside the militant-held town of Fallujah, also in Anbar province. But the extremists soon reopened it after criticism from the media and threats of boycotts on the Islamic State from more progressive terrorists and business leaders in surrounding provinces.

The reduced flow of water through the militant-held dam on the Euphrates River will threaten irrigation systems and water treatment plants in nearby areas controlled by troops and tribes opposed to the extremist group, provincial council member Taha Abdul-Ghani told the Associated Press.

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Butthollah told reporters that it didn’t matter if it was water, pizza, or a fucking wedding cake, none of his employees would be serving anything to anyone who did not agree with his crazy ass religious beliefs.

Abdul-Ghani said there would be no immediate effect on Shiite areas in central and southern Iraq, saying water is being diverted to those areas from the Tigris River.

The United Nations had said on Wednesday that it was looking into reports that ISIS had reduced the flow of water through the al-Warar dam.

ISIS CEO Abu Bakr al-Butthollah told reporters from Al Jazeera that the actions were perfectly justified under the Islamic State’s new “Religious Freedom Restoration Act, enacted last December.

“We got the idea from Indiana and other misguided, backwards-ass states located in the Great Satan,” said Butthollah. “We have to protect our employees’ deeply held religious beliefs. Our supreme court already upheld the law with its landmark decision in Unexploded Ordnance Lobby v Omar last month.

“There’s just no way that we’re going to force any of our employees to serve water to infidels with alternative lifestyles, and I think Allah would be proud of the stand we’re taking for bigoted assholes all over the globe.”

United Nations officials have reacted with dismay to the policy, as it has to the ridiculous attempts to make homosexuals second-class citizens within the U.S.

“The use of water as a tool of war is to be condemned in no uncertain terms,” the spokesman for the UN secretary-general, Stephane Dujarric, told reporters. “It is just a damn shame that these throwbacks from the Middle Ages still exist in state governments around America and in the Middle East as well. These kinds of reports are disturbing, to say the least.”

Islamic State Leaders Rave Over New Real Estate Acquisitions

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BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State Supreme Leader and insane asshole Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told CNN today that the ISIS leadership was “absolutely delighted” with their recent real estate acquisitions and couldn’t wait to get down to some serious looting, pillaging, and wholesale destruction of priceless artifacts.

“We are really happy with our recent purchases in Ramadi and Palmyra,” said al-Baghdadi, who sported a stylish infidel dried ear necklace for the interview. “I just can’t wait to see what our architects and interior designers are going to do with our new properties.”

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Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his troops were really looking forward to some serious goat fucking in Ramadi’s world-famous brothels.

Omar Abdul-Fattah al-Sphincter, Islamic State Head of Housing and Urban Development, who was also interviewed, said “We’re going to do great things with Palmyra. We just can’t wait to level all those blasphemous infidel ruins and put up tents and shacks to house our troops, and Ramadi, with its world-famous goat brothels, well that was a real bargain!”

Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer that his troops were really looking forward to some down time after the intense 15 minute battle required to run off Iraqi and Syrian regular army forces, which outnumbered the jihadis ten-to-one.

“My boys have barely had time recently to rape and kill innocent women and children because they’ve been so busy with beheading, throwing homosexuals off buildings, and roasting people alive,” said Baghdadi. “I know they’re really looking forward to fucking some of those sexy goats in Ramadi and relieving some stress by destroying the priceless ancient ruins over in Palmyra.”

Almost every decent person on the planet has been shocked and disgusted by the actions of the Islamic State, and are clamoring for their governments to stop the wholesale destruction and slaughter. However, despite the fact they possess enough firepower to destroy the earth ten times over, Coalition partners and Arab states around the region have not come up with any coherent plan to stop the religious fanatics.