Raptor Jesus Condemns Walter Palmer To Spend All Of Eternity Burning In The Fires Of Hell

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VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.

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Raptor Jesus’ love of animals is well-known. In Iguana 19:14 RJ said, “Suffer the little lizards to come unto me and offer them meal worms, for of such is the animal kingdom.”

“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.

“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”

“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.

During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.

“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.

“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”

 

 

 

 

Family Of Walter Palmer Joins Chorus Of Voices Calling For His Demise

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BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA – (CT&P) – At a hastily called press conference this morning Helga Palmer, wife of subhuman lion murderer Walter Palmer, called for her husband to be located and arrested as soon as possible.

Mrs Palmer appeared on the steps of Dr. Palmer’s once-thriving dental practice with her two daughters, Warthog and Wildebeest, Palmer’s mother Enid, and his former receptionist Chastity Candy.

Mrs. Palmer called the news conference in order to show solidarity with the millions of people disgusted and outraged by Mr. Palmer’s bloodthirsty killing spree.

“I just want to say that I’m sorry for Walter’s actions,” said a tearful Helga. “Walter is a very sick man, but that in no way justifies what he has done. I think we all can agree that Walter belongs in either in a mental hospital or thousands of feet below the surface of the earth in some Zimbabwean mine doing forced labor for the rest of his life.”

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Dr. Palmer’s victims list reads like a who’s who of African and Asian wildlife. He is suspected of breaking into a big game sanctuary in Wisconsin and going on a murderous rampage back in 2005, but authorities did not have enough evidence to convict him. “The bastard is worse than ISIS”, said a spokesman for the FBI.

When asked why she married Palmer in the first place, Helga responded: “I guess I was entranced by the prospect of a glamorous life as the wife of a big-game hunting dentist. It certainly wasn’t for the sex; Walter has a pencil dick, and it rarely functions properly anyway.”

Enid Palmer, Walter’s mom, agreed:

“I knew when Walter was born that he was going to be inferior in that department. If I had been thinking clearly at the time I would have left his ass outside the house for the coyotes to devour. What a loser!”

Chastity Candy, Palmer’s former receptionist and part-time stripper at the Gopher Hole Bar and Grill in Chippewa Falls, told reporters that she also wanted Palmer behind bars.

“The son of a bitch promised me a new set of implants and free periodontal work for life. I had to sue him just to get a measly hundred grand, and most of that went to the lawyer. I’ll never trust a dentist again!”

When a reporter asked Palmer’s kids what they wanted to happen to their dad they got more negative responses.

“What the hell do you think I want to happen to the bastard?” said fourteen year old Wildebeest. “The asshole named me ‘Wildebeest’ for Christ’s sake!”

Perhaps 3-year-old Warthog summed up everyone’s feelings best when she said, “I hate my Daddy!”

Mrs. Palmer closed the press conference by making a plea for people to visit her new website, WalterPalmerSucks.com, and making a contribution to her kids’ college fund.

American Dental Association Urges Walter Palmer To Commit Suicide

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an appearance on Fox and Friends this morning, American Dental Association president Maxine Feinberg made an impassioned public plea to Dr. Walter Palmer, the scum-sucking Minnesota dentist who murdered Cecil the Lion, to kill himself “by any means available” to him.

“We polled our membership, and four out of five dentists surveyed recommended suicide,” said Feinberg. “The remaining 20% thought that Dr. Palmer should be extradited to Zimbabwe to stand trial and face a life sentence in an African butt-rape prison.”

Palmer, whose whereabouts are unknown, has been excoriated on the internet and in the press over the last two days for tying a dead animal to the front of a vehicle and luring Cecil out of a protected area so he could be shot with a bow and arrow and die a slow agonizing death lasting over 40 hours.

Dr. Palmer’s dental practice in Bloomington, Minnesota has been shut down and his home is unoccupied. He has received death threats on Facebook and Twitter and been the subject of some remarkable reviews on Yelp.

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Dr. Palmer has a long history of flying all over the world in order to murder defenseless animals so he can prove that he is still a man despite his small penis, which he refers to as “Little Peeps.”

ADA president Feinberg told Steve Doocy that Palmer was giving dentists around the country an even worse name than they already had.

“It’s bad enough that everyone hates us to begin with,” said Feinberg. “Now kids are asking their dentists if they plan on murdering Bambi or the Easter Bunny. We’re about as popular as a dog catching member of Congress right now.”

Feinberg said that although the vast majority of dentists wanted Palmer dead, they disagreed on what method he should use to off himself.

“Dr. Max Nebelwerfer from Bleeding Gums, Kansas told us that Palmer should tie himself to his dental chair and drink a bottle of liquid Drano,” said Feinberg. “Dr. Emily Fang from Melanoma Beach, Florida told us that she thought Palmer should sever several minor arteries with a scalpel and go swimming off the beaches of North Carolina. There’s no end to the ideas pouring into our website. Despite having a reputation for being anal, we dentists can be very creative when we want to be.

“Although, there’s a lot of disagreement about how he should do it, one thing’s for sure, everyone wants the bastard dead,” said Feinberg in closing.

This is not the first time Palmer has been in trouble. He was convicted of lying to federal agents regarding an illegal bear hunt in 2006, and settled a sexual harassment suit involving his receptionist in 2009.

Fox and Friends replicant Brian Kilmeade asked regular contributor Dr. Keith Ablow to offer some insight on Palmer’s murderous behavior and tendency to prey on his female staff.

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In 2010 Dr. Palmer was named “Dentist Most Likely to Abuse Little Children” by the American Dental Association.

“Dr. Palmer exhibits all the symptoms of Gherkinson’s Disease, a syndrome normally associated with a tiny schlong and shrunken, misshapen testicles,” said Ablow.

“Many assholes who hunt just for the sick pleasure of seeing animals die have a desperate need to prove to the world that they are real men despite having inferior sexual equipment. I think we can safely say Palmer has a short shaft, or possibly one that takes a dogleg left.”

In fact, one of Palmer’s close friends told Anderson Cooper of CNN that Walter’s high school nickname was ‘Inch Worm,’ so Ablow’s theory seems to make sense.

Palmer released a statement this afternoon through the public relations firm he hired to extricate himself from this mess.

In it he said that he was sorry for killing Cecil, sorry for killing a bear 40 fucking miles away from where he was supposed to be hunting, sorry for sexually abusing his receptionist while she was under the influence of Xanax and nitrous oxide, and sorry that his kids were conceived in vitro because his micro dick proved incapable of performing in the usual fashion.

He said that at this time he had no intention of killing himself and looks forward to a future as a short order cook at a Waffle House in Tanzania.

 

Grand Canyon Wolfslayer Admits To Having An Unusually Small Penis

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BEAVER, UTAH (CT&P) – The bloodthirsty asshole who shot and killed Echo, the grey wolf who traveled over 750 miles from the Northern Rockies to the Grand Canyon, has admitted to authorities that his penis and testicles are far below average in size.

The hunter, whose name is being kept secret for fear that actual decent human beings would surround his trailer and skin him alive, told officials that he had “always been insecure about his sexual organs”, and that is one of the main reasons he liked to inflict pain on innocent animals.

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The majestic and beautiful Echo in happier times. Note the huge fucking radio collar she is wearing around her neck. Anyone dumb enough to mistake her for a coyote should not own a firearm.

The pitiful excuse for a man told U.S. Fish and Game officers that he had mistaken the wolf for a coyote.

Genetic tests conducted at the University of Idaho found that the DNA sample taken from the wolf killed on December 28 was identical to the DNA in scat samples taken from Echo, the name given to the Grand Canyon wolf following a worldwide naming contest among schoolchildren.

Wolves in Utah are protected under the Endangered Species Act, and hunting them can bring penalties of up to a year in prison and tens of thousands of dollars in fines. A spokesperson for the Fish and Wildlife Service would not comment on the shooting, but said the investigation is under way.

“I find it very difficult to believe that this asshole could not tell the difference between a coyote and a grey wolf, said the spokesman. “Any third grader could tell the difference with one eye closed, and it would be damn near impossible to miss the huge radio collar that Echo was wearing.”

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Extensive research has shown that men who are unable to satisfy women due to their small size resort to violence against innocent animals

“I think it’s far more likely that this shithead, like most hunters, is trying to compensate for his pencil dick and shrunken testicles by going out and murdering any animal that he comes across. I’m sure he also beats his wife and kids in his spare time.”

The loss of the wolf made international news and has sparked anti-hunting protests across the country.

“It’s very sad news,” said Michael Robinson, a conservationist and wolf advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. “We and a lot of other people were rooting for her. Echo’s death illustrates the peril wolves face even under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.”

“We certainly hope that this moron will do time and be forced to pay some heavy fines,” said Robinson. Maybe in prison he’ll be able to find someone lonely enough to appreciate his miniscule member. People like this son of bitch should be sterilized before they are able to reproduce.”

 

 

Rogue Bear Wipes Out Hunting Party In Maine

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what Maine Department of Wildlife officials are calling the worst example of black-on-white crime in the history of the state, a large male bear has attacked and devoured a hunting party in the northern portion of the state. Only one of the group of four hunters has lived to tell the tale. He is currently in hospital being treated for wounds to both hands and his scrotum, which was partially removed during the attack.

In an interview with Bloodthirsty Redneck Hunters Magazine, 48-year-old Ronald Dullard said that the bear lured the hunters into deathtrap from which there was practically no escape.

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The unfortunate group of hunters posed for this photo shortly before they set off on their ill-fated expedition.

“We were walking through the woods just chatting and recounting past adventures in which we had slaughtered innocent deer and moose when we noticed what appeared to be a case of Budweiser sitting on a card table in the middle of a clearing,” said Dullard. “We did what any group of well-armed red-blooded American males would do and sat down and began to drink.”

What the group did not know was that they were being observed from a nearby tree stand by a very angry and agitated 600 lb black bear, bent on revenge for the wanton slaughter of his family the year before.

“As we began to fill up on this beer and nature took its course, Joe Bob got up to take a piss,” said Dullard. “He had just disappeared behind this large tree when we heard all this screaming. Turns out he had stepped into a large steel trap cleverly concealed behind the tree. We all got up to help and that’s when all hell broke loose. Billy Joe fell into a punji pit, Bobby Frank was snared and left hanging by one foot upside down, and I have to admit I was just frozen in fear, not knowing what the hell was going on.”

It was then that Dullard saw the bear calmly descend from the tree stand and slowly approach him with what seemed like a smile on his face.

“I was so scared I couldn’t move,” said Dullard. “I watched in horror as this renegade bear disemboweled my friends one by one.”

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Dullard became somewhat of a celebrity in the mid-nineties when he posed for Overweight Redneck Assholes With Guns Magazine

After the bear dispatched the immobile hunters he sauntered over to where Dullard stood wetting his pants and explained to him that unfortunately he was going to have to remove his fingers so that he would never hunt again.

“I pleaded with the bear that I had a wife and two kids that depended on me for food, but he was unmoved,” said Dullard. “He told me I should have thought of that before I came into his neighborhood bent on killing anything that moved.”

The bear then gnawed off a good portion of Dullard’s hands, and as an afterthought took a huge bite out of him in the groin area.

“The bear told me he didn’t want me to sire anymore cowardly hunters that would terrorize future generations of his offspring,” said Dullard. “Then he let me go and told me tell anyone who would listen to stay the fuck away from his patch or they would get the same treatment. It was horrifying.”

Dullard is expected to make a full recovery except for the fact that he will now have to be fitted with prosthetic hands and will have to sit down to urinate.

Investigators sent to the scene confirmed Dullard’s story down to the last detail. They found a sign written in blood and nailed to a nearby tree that read “KEEP OUT-NO FUCKING HUNTING OR I’LL GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASS.”

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When last seen, the bear in question was resting comfortably at home. It seems he needed a nap after such a large and tasty meal.

Katie Hansberry, director of Mainers For Fair Bear Hunting, a group fighting to ban the baiting, trapping, and hounding of black bears, said it was high time the bears starting fighting back.

“I could not be more pleased with this turn of events,” said Hansberry. “For years lazy-ass cowardly hunters have put out bait to attract bears, trapped them in horrific steel traps reminiscent of medieval torture devices, or treed them with packs of dogs before filling them full of lead. It’s inhumane and has to be stopped.”

“It’s high time these insecure balless wonders got a taste of their own medicine. I hope every bear in North America joins in and fights for his or her right to live a happy life free from these savages. Just because a dude has a small penis it’s no damn excuse for him running around the woods on weekends murdering innocent wildlife. Screw ’em!”

Maine wildlife officials have no plans to go after the rogue bear at this time, but have taken the precaution of shortening the hunting season this year. The move has not raised any complaints from the bear hunting community because the last thing the cowards want is to put their own asses on the line by going anywhere they may feel the least bit threatened.

 

 

 

Hunting Accidents Rise As IQs Decline

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As hunting season begins all across America, hundreds of thousands of sexually insecure men with firearms are flooding ever-dwindling wildlife management areas in an effort boost their sagging self esteem by murdering innocent mammals.

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Bobby “Buck” Churcheson is president of the North American Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League

The resulting chaos is predictable; terrified animals fleeing the dullards firing at anything that moves, an increase in automobile accidents caused by deer crossing busy highways in an effort to escape, and thousands of hunters and non-hunters alike becoming victims of gunshot wounds, many of them fatal.

One wonders what satisfaction these savages derive from inflicting a horrible and painful death upon these poor animals, but at least we can take solace in the fact that more and more hunters are removed from the gene pool each year by their own hands, and that should make the women of America happy, as a small penis and shrunken testicles are not exactly in high demand.

One citizen who is overjoyed by the alarming rise in gunshot fatalities in the U.S. is Bobby “Buck” Churcheson, president of the Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League.

“We have been protesting the murder of our fellow ungulates for decades,” said Churcheson. “Ever since it became apparent that these hunter types no longer needed us for food but were just killing us for sport, we have been telling anyone who will listen that what these dim wits need is counseling, not hunting licenses. Anyone who derives pleasure from going out and inflicting pain on a defenseless animal is a truly sick individual.”

Although Churcheson admits that Homo sapiens as a species is undoubtedly the pinnacle of evolution and natural selection, he makes it clear that something is clearly missing from the giant human pre-frontal cortex.

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Hunters and firearms enthusiasts are rarely seen playing chess or reading scholarly works. They are clearly in need of some sort of remedial education. Churcheson hopes that a charity can be founded to help them overcome their insecurity and channel their energy into more enlightened pursuits, like wildlife rescue.

“Something went wrong somewhere, that much is obvious,” said Churcheson, as he chewed on some unidentified plant matter.

“You guys run around sawing off each others heads and bombing brown people by the thousands in the name of religion. You have polluted the planet almost to the point of no return, and you treat half of your citizens like dirt. And what’s with this fracking shit? Even a fucking wild hog could tell you that it’s not a good idea to force poison into the earth under high pressure and expect nothing bad to happen. I mean, what are you humans thinking?”

Churcheson does not expect a change in attitudes among most human beings, but he has an optimistic outlook on the future nonetheless.

“You hominids have only been around for few minutes in geologic time. You’ll fade away and go extinct soon enough, and the earth will recover. In the meantime we at the League can only hope that more and more hunters will come to the realization that no matter how many animals they murder in cold blood, their dicks are not going to get any bigger than they already are.”

New Bill Will Provide Grant Money For Hunters And Gun Nuts

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A new bill introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives will make grant money and guaranteed federal loans available for men infatuated with guns and obsessed with inflicting pain on innocent wildlife. The bill, H.R. 6666, will provide funds for cosmetic surgery and enhancement of genitalia for men considered too poor to pay for the changes themselves.

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Scientific studies have shown that male obsession with firearms and killing is linked to feelings of sexual inadequacy caused by a shorter than average penis or shrunken testicles

Representative John Conyers (D-MI) and Eliot Engel (D-N.Y. ) introduced the bill in a desperate attempt to try to at least slow down the number of mass shootings and gun related deaths in the United States.

“In 2015, gun related deaths are projected to surpass the number of traffic fatalities for the first time in our history,” said Conyers, at a press conference on Capitol Hill. “We know from many scientific studies that the insecurity caused by having a short penis or small testicles is the driving force behind many of these guy’s blood lust and fascination with firearms, and we want to help these guys out.”

“That’s right,” said Engel. “We now have the technology to attack the root problem, and we would be remiss if we didn’t provide funds for men who are just too poor to seek help on their own. Everyone with any sense at all knows that any individual who enjoys watching animals writhe in pain and succumb to their wounds is lacking something not only upstairs, but downstairs as well.”

“We realize that most of our recent mass shootings have been carried out by psychotics who should never have been sold guns in the first place, and they are beyond help. However, there are other groups that could benefit from treatment, both physical and mental. After cosmetic and genital enhancement surgery many of these dudes will regain the feeling of security and self-confidence that they lost early in life. These guys will be walking around feeling like they have a couple of bowling balls in a marble sack, which should help to eliminate their sense of self-doubt.”

The bill, dubbed “The Male Genital Enhancement Act of 2014” will also provide funds for the design and production of flak jackets for deer, bear, raccoons, and a variety of other wildlife.

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If the new bill passes and is signed by President Obama, Modular Advanced Armed Robotic Systems (MAARS) units will patrol national forests and wildlife sanctuaries

In a controversial move, Carolyn McCarthy (D-N.Y.) has added an amendment to the bill that would place Israeli-manufactured robotic machine guns like the ones used along the Gaza Strip in strategic locations in national forests and in areas where wildlife is threatened. The amendment would also provide money for MAARS systems to patrol wildlife sanctuaries. Both systems would be fully armed and set up to return the fire of any hunters in the area.

“These guys are always yapping about how they love a challenge, so let’s see how many of them will go out on a weekend hunt when there’s a possibility that something is going to shoot back at them,” said McCarthy, in an interview with Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who has already had one minor stroke over the bill.

The bill will no doubt face rabid opposition from the NRA and various right wingers, but then again any attempt to do anything at all about the senseless slaughter of humans and animals alike in this country has met the same oppugnancy.

“We are the only country on earth that suffers these mass shootings on a regular basis, and there is a growing consensus out there that something has to be done,” said McCarthy. “This bill will be a good start. We’ll be helping out both needy men and innocent animals.”

No word yet on when the bill will actually be introduced.