Hillary Proposes Federal Night Light Program For Pussified Americans

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SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.

 

Hillary Vows To Slash Deficit By Eliminating Executive Oversight Committees

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – At a rest area somewhere near Compost, Iowa this morning Hillary Clinton paused as she was exiting the men’s restroom to tell a group of near-rabid, obsessive-compulsive journalists that if elected she planned on banning executive oversight and investigative committees in both houses of Congress, along with the Office of the Special Prosecutor in D.C.

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When asked what would happen if the executive branch operated without any supervision Hillary responded, “What difference does it make?”

The Democrat candidate said that she would do this by executive order on her first day in office and the actions would be taken to reduce waste in government and save taxpayers’ money.

“I really don’t see the need for members of Congress to spend months going over the same old shit trying to dig up dirt on our president,” said Clinton. “The president has better things to do than worry about deleting emails, erasing tapes, and ‘disappearing’ key witnesses. Besides, the citizens of the United States elected these bozos to bring back subsidies for huge corporations, give tax breaks to the wealthiest members of our society, and get funding for bridges to nowhere so a few jobs can be created in their districts.”

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When queried on the subject of congressional oversight Hillary’s Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer Alphonso Redoya told reporters, “Oversight? We don’t need no stinking oversight!”

“I think that if members of Congress were to just concentrate on what the hell they were elected to do, we could reduce the number of days they are in session by about half and drastically cut their salaries and expenses. That would really help the federal government’s bottom line,” said Clinton.

When a reporter from the New York Times asked Clinton who would then provide oversight of the executive branch, an agitated Alphonso Bedoya, Clinton Campaign Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer, told him what he thought of executive oversight committees.

“Oversight? To god-damned hell with oversight! We have no oversight. In fact, we don’t need no oversight. I don’t have to show you any stinking oversight, you god-damned cabron and ching tu madre!”

Clinton then thanked the journalists, jumped in her van, and sped off too her next campaign fundraiser at Jim Bob’s Pork and Corn Barbecue Palace in Steaming Excrement Springs just outside Cedar Rapids.

Rubio Announces To Auditorium That He Is Running For President

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MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yesterday Florida Senator Marco Rubio told an thrilled auditorium in Miami that he had decided to run for president in 2016. Marco kicked off his campaign by making a three-hour long speech to the auditorium in which he outlined his many original ideas for governing and all the progressive policies he would support as president.

Senator Rubio of Florida speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor, Marylan

Rubio said that although he was not a scientist, he was pretty sure that yesterday was in the past and tomorrow is in the future.

“I have heard some suggest that I should step aside and wait my turn, but I cannot,” Rubio said to the auditorium. “Because I believe our very identity as an exceptional nation is at stake, and I can make a difference as president, if anyone ever notices that I am running.”

Early in his speech, which echoed off the walls and around the empty room, making it difficult for the auditorium to understand, Rubio took a swing at Hillary Clinton, who had announced her candidacy on Sunday.

“Just yesterday, a leader from yesterday began a campaign for president by promising to take us back to yesterday,” Rubio told the rows of empty seats. “But yesterday is over, and we are never going back to yesterday. Yesterday, all our troubles seemed so far away, now it seems as if they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday!”

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The auditorium was so moved by the strength of Rubio’s oratory that if anyone had been there they could have heard a pin drop.

The auditorium appeared confused by Rubio’s nonsensical comments but quickly received clarification from the master orator.

“We can’t move on to tomorrow by going back to the leaders and ideas of last night. We must change the decisions we are making today by changing the people who made them last week.” Rubio added. “That is why today, grounded by the lessons of Saturday afternoon, and inspired by the promise of the day after tomorrow, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America, beginning a week from Wednesday.”

The auditorium, intoxicated by Rubio’s flowery rhetoric and exhilarated to be the first in a long line of empty rooms to hear Rubio speak, erupted in a crescendo of silence that can only be compared to a white person’s funeral.

Rubio plans to take his Calhounesque oratory skills on the road in order to garner support from a variety of inanimate objects. He is currently scheduled to speak to a series of abandoned buildings, deserted fields and fetid swamps over the next few weeks.

Gowdy To Reporters: ‘Missing Email Proves Hillary Behind Benghazi Attacks’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Representative Trey “Numbnuts” Gowdy (R-SC), Chairman of the House Select Committee to Investigate Investigations Related to Prior Investigations of the Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi terrorist attacks, told reporters today that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s missing emails will prove “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that she masterminded the operation start to finish.

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Known as “The Shrew” on Capitol Hill, Gowdy is well-known for his Trumpian hairdo. He is believed to be the only virgin serving in the U.S. House of Representatives

“We will show that Mrs. Clinton not only planned and organized the attacks, but was on the ground in Libya that night and provided transportation for the terrorists to and from the compound,” said Gowdy.

The attack, which has been the subject of endless investigations by a variety of nitwits in both houses of Congress, occurred on the evening of September 11, 2012.

Islamic militants attacked the American diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Lybia, killing U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and U.S. Foreign Service Information Management Officer Sean Smith. Stevens was the first U.S. Ambassador killed in the line of duty since 1979.

Several hours later, a second assault targeted a different compound about one mile away, killing two CIA contractors, Tyrone S. Woods and Glen Doherty. Ten others were also injured in the attacks, but some of those folks were not white, so they don’t count.

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Gowdy’s office released this photo supposedly showing Mrs. Clinton, her driver, and a carload of Islamic terrorists in route to the diplomatic compound in a 1972 Plymouth Satellite. However, an aide to Mrs Clinton claims the photograph came from the archives of the Andy Griffith show.

“We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton used her email account to procure a 1972 Plymouth station wagon and a driver to transport the killers from downtown Benghazi to the compound and then on to the second target,” said a profusely sweating Gowdy. “We have a witness that has provided photographic evidence to this effect as well.”

Gowdy also told reporters that Mrs. Clinton hosted a gala alcohol-free reception for the killers just after the attacks to celebrate the deaths of the four Americans.

“It’s just horrific,” said Gowdy. “I don’t see how the woman can live with herself. This is bound to ruin any chance she has of becoming president, which is of course our only goal behind pursuing this ridiculous bullshit.”

When asked if Mrs. Clinton is concerned about either the emails or the continuing Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi probe, an aide to Mrs. Clinton replied, “Not really, haters gonna hate…what difference does it make?”

Republicans Propose Radically Different Immigration Reform Plan

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Outraged by President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, Republican lawmakers, with the full support of their right-wing Christian base, have proposed a different plan to deal with the almost five million undocumented immigrants currently residing in the United States.

The plan calls for a significant percentage of the “illegals” to be executed immediately as a terrifying example to all those wishing to enter this country in search of a better life. The remainder of the “shiftless job-stealing cretins” would be rounded up and forced back across the border at gunpoint.

Possibly the most ambitious part of the proposal calls for a 20 foot high wall adorned with pikes to be built along our southern border. The severed heads of those trying to cross the border illegally would be placed on the decorative pikes as a reminder to those who would try to enter in the future.

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The new Republican proposal would include a 20 foot high wall along our southern border adorned with severed heads in order to stress the fact that America was founded on “Christian principles.”

Nan Hypocritus, president and managing director of Christians Against Compassion and Empathy, an anti-immigrant group, told Reuters that her group was incredulous that President Obama would take such drastic unilateral action so close to the holidays.

“Thanksgiving is just next week, and Christmas is just around the corner!” said Hypocritus. “How dare he throw a wrench into the sacred holiday season by showing love and compassion to a group of brown people? We Christians have better things to do than worry about protecting immigrants from being torn away from their families and deported to God knows where! We have shopping to do and we are just getting geared up to act like a persecuted minority over the whole ‘War On Christmas’ fantasy! This is just outrageous!”

Although similar executive actions regarding immigration were taken by Republican presidents in the past, G.O.P. leaders are beside themselves over Obama’s orders and vow to make the new proposal law in the near future.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has lumped the new “Final Solution” Immigration Reform Bill in with an omnibus spending package that also features the repeal of Obamacare, mandatory fracking in national parks, the elimination of the EPA and the Department of Education, and the death penalty for Hillary Clinton for her role in the Benghazi conspiracy.

 

 

 

 

Obama To Introduce More Deadly Infectious Diseases To U.S. Beginning In January

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Hoping to build on the successful introduction of Ebola last month, the Administration secretly plans to introduce a wide variety of deadly infectious diseases into the United States over the coming year, according to Fox News dullard Sean Hannity.

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Dr. Mobley, who has been treated in the past for paranoid schizophrenia, is seen here trying to buy a one way ticket to a remote research facility in Antarctica

On Wednesday’s show Hannity once again trotted out the unstable conspiracy theorist Dr. Gil Mobley, who told Hannity’s mortified viewers that it’s “absolutely inevitable” the U.S. will be “importing Ebola and other lethal viruses on an hourly basis come next spring.”

“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to destroy the United States and leave the country in smoking ruins by the time his presidency comes to an end in 2016,” said Hannity. “Ebola is already completely out of control here in the United States, and God help us if it gets a toehold in Central America.”

Hannity claimed “a top U.S. commander” is warning that if Ebola breaks out in Central America, we’ll be overrun with contagious brown-skinned immigrants “It’s literally, Katy, bar the door,” Hannity said, supposedly quoting that “top U.S. commander.”

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After being told that Delta no longer offered direct flights to Antarctica, Dr. Mobley enlisted the help of a friendly airport employee in an attempt to figure out where the hell he parked his ambulance.

Mobley called the Central American scenario “very real.” He went on to say, “They say it’s hard to catch but you tell that to the NBC cameraman that caught it from a car.”

Mobley went on to explain that contrary to all the scientific evidence ever gathered on Ebola and other viruses that cause hemorrhagic fever, the deadly disease could be contracted by coming into contact with inanimate objects and various modes of transport such as automobiles, buses, airplanes, and even interplanetary mother ships piloted by aliens.

“The best thing people can do is to dig an expedient shelter in the ground somewhere around their home, and stay there indefinitely,” said Mobley. “I have plans on my web site for such shelters, complete with home-made latrines and running water, provided you have a stream or river running through the middle of your neighborhood. The plans are only $24.99, and all you need is a shovel, a low IQ, and a maniacal, obsessive hatred of the President and black folks in general in order to get the job done.”

Hannity was unclear as to just how the conspiracy was hatched, but was very specific as to when it was put in motion.

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Hannity told his viewers that although the Antichrist Obama had been held at bay so far by brave members of the Tea Party and various other unhinged organizations, this latest conspiracy would spell doom for life as we know it in America

“Benghazi was the first act in this apocalyptic play,” said Hannity. “Obama, with the help of Hillary Clinton, sacrificed one of our ambassadors in order to throw us off the trail, and the heinous plan worked to perfection. That idiot Darrell Issa swallowed it hook, line and sinker.”

Hannity went on to say that the Administration planned to start off small with the introduction of Rift Valley Fever in January, but planned on cranking up the pressure later in the spring with weaponized Bubonic Plague and smallpox sprayed from drones circling the American heartland. The home-grown terror campaign would be topped off next summer with the delivery of anthrax laden hot dog buns to every grocery store in the U.S. prior to the July 4th holiday.

When contacted for comment on Hannity’s hysterical revelations, White House spokesman Josh Earnest told the New York Times “It never ceases to amaze me that anyone takes anything they hear on Fox News seriously. I suppose it is a sad testament to the woeful state of public education in this country.”

In response, Hannity later told his radio listeners “See, they’re denying it all! That’s a sure sign that I’m right on the money about this whole thing! We’re all doomed, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Obamacare Holiday Massacre

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Fox News interrupted coverage of the mythical “War on Christmas” today to report the latest in a long line of Obamacare atrocities.The report, if corroborated by actual news organizations, could deal a heavy blow to the new health care system.

Starship Captain and cutting edge investigative reporter Shepherd Smith reported a huge loss of life associated with the healthcare.gov website. Hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocents lost their lives in the run up to Thanksgiving because of a software “glitch” on the site. “They had logged on seeking health insurance for their families and instead were rerouted to the dreaded ‘Death Panel’  page, where they were immediately condemned,” said Smith. “These poults never had a chance,” Smith continued, “they were rounded up, executed, and became the main course in households across the country on Thanksgiving Day.”

Smith featured an interview on his program with Sean Hannity, Fox’s ace debater and insightful intellectual. Hannity revealed an even more shocking aspect of the disaster. “My sources have informed me that some of these innocent young turkeys had knowledge of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi abomination, and were threatening to expose her,” said Hannity. “This is an insidious conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government, and we intend to spend the next eight or nine months speculating about it on my show.”

Representative Michele Bachman, who vociferously warned her constituents about these “Death Panels”, was unavailable for comment as she was attending a Tea Party sponsored “Origin of the Species” book burning festival at the Texas Board of Education along with Senator Ted Cruz.