Area Man Transformed Into Human Pincushion

MURPHY, N.C. – Longtime Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson was turned into what is being described as a “human pincushion” early yesterday morning when the staff of Turtletown Primitive Baptist Medical Center penetrated his flesh with a huge ass needle approximately two dozen times in a futile attempt to start an IV flowing.

Setting up the IV was meant to be the first step in a nuclear stress test his doctor had ordered after Dickerson had complained of “weird shit” going on in his thoracic cavity.

Although a team of medical technicians, nurses, and even a few physicians attempted to start the IV for what seemed like a fortnight, they were unable to achieve success.

Dickerson told Action News reporter Billy Bob McSneed that he left the hospital feeling like “a fucking inverted porcupine.”

Action News at 11 reporter Billy Bob McSneed caught up with Dickerson at McCaysville Drug and Gun where he had stopped on his way home to purchase some bandages and ammunition for his .50 caliber sniper rifle.

“I just wanted to make sure there were no blockages that could break loose and kill my ass or worse yet cause a stroke and turn me into a fucking Trump supporter,” said Dickerson, who appeared pale from loss of blood. “I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.”

“I have no clue how he’s alive and walking around,” said Dickerson’s physician, Dr. Joe Mengele III. “The bastard appears to have no vascular system at all. We can detect a heartbeat alright, but what it’s pumping and where that material is going is a mystery to us. I plan on writing a grant proposal to the National Institutes of Health or maybe the Humane Society to get some funding to study this son of a bitch. The results could be fascinating.”

Although the medical team urged Dickerson to reschedule the test next week, Dickerson demurred saying, “I’d rather have a combination root canal and colonoscopy while viewing Dancing with the Stars. Fuck this shit.”

 

 

 

Paul Ryan Losing Patience; Anxious To Start Killing Poor People

 

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.

“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”

Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”

“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”

“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”

Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.

“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

 

 

 

Bull Shark Suspected Of Practicing Medicine Without A License

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CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Medical Board has opened an investigation into the actions of a bull shark and part-time physician who amputated the limbs of two kids swimming in waist deep waters off Oak Island, 30 miles south of Wilmington on Sunday.

Authorities in North Carolina suspect the shark of practicing medicine without a proper license and failure to pay proper fees before performing surgery within the state.

The physician in question, Dr. Carcharhinus Leucas, has long been in the habit of performing impromptu surgeries on individuals who use North Carolina beaches for recreational activities.

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For years patients have complimented Dr. Leucas on the comfort of his waiting room which is kept at a comfortable 77 degrees Fahrenheit.

Although most residents of Oak Island speak of Dr. Leucas in glowing terms, he has been sued for malpractice three times by patients who were unhappy with the results of his treatment.

“Dr. Leucas has acted with reckless abandon in this instance,” said North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory. “We’re not so much concerned with the quality of his care but more with his failure to pay the proper fees and his unwillingness to purchase liability insurance.

“He supposedly has a medical degree from some country down in the Caribbean,” said the governor. “But that doesn’t mean he can just operate on anyone he wants to whenever they enter the water. We can’t just let anyone run around and practice medicine in this state unless they pay us the proper confiscatory fees beforehand.”

“If Dr. Leucas wants to continue to operate, he’s going to have to pay us off just like every other professional. Here in North Carolina the only people we let run around and do whatever they want are the fine folks from Duke Energy. They can do no wrong.”

‘Pathogen Parties’ Becoming Popular On Left Coast

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.

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Hemorrhaging Herman, a professional clown currently suffering from Ebola, has been wildly popular at the CNPA events

“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.

“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”

The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.

“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”

Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”

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Chuck E. Cheese’s has jumped on the bandwagon to help out the dimwitted parents by developing a toxic “West Coast Menu” and covering its giant rodent mascots with fleas carrying bubonic plague

The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus  Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.

“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”

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The effectiveness of the parties is yet to be determined, but the CNPA insists that those kids who make it out of intensive care alive will be better prepared for life than kids with “normal” parents

Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.

California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”

“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, then let them convert to Islam and move to Syria. I mean, fuck!”

Feds Advise Potential Ebola Victims To Avoid Contracting The Disease In Dallas

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Dr. Tom Frieden advised anyone who was thinking of contracting Ebola to do so “just about anywhere other than Dallas.”

Dr. Frieden addressed the press while on a lunch break at a Mexican restaurant on Buford Highway.

“I would like to strongly advise those who are considering exposing themselves to blood, feces, or any bodily fluid from an Ebola patient to do so in Atlanta or in another major city that has competent medical personnel,” said Frieden. “If I were thinking of contracting the disease I would definitely steer clear of Texas in general and Dallas in particular.”

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Dr. Frieden advised Americans that if they planned to contract Ebola to at least do it in a state where the governor can find his ass with both hands.

When asked why he was issuing the warning, Dr. Frieden slammed a bean burrito down his gullet and replied, “Look, those idiots in Dallas were the ones who let that dude run around the city unchecked for days before he was hospitalized. They also don’t seem to be able to follow simple protocol or safety measures. They are currently 0-1 when it comes to fighting the virus, and we here in Atlanta are so far 2-0 on the season. Who would you rather have treating you?”

Dr. Frieden was also asked about Bill O’Reilly’s demand that he should resign in disgrace because of the current panic over Ebola’s appearance in the U.S.

“That pompous cretin represents the very people who cut our funding almost 50% and then he has the balls to turn around and criticize us for something that, given the anemic response to the outbreak, was inevitable. He is the very definition of a horse’s ass. Can you imagine what it would be like to work for that asshole? I feel sorry for the bastards who have to tolerate him on a daily basis. I’d rather be exposed to smallpox.”

Dr. Frieden went on to say that he “would resign just as soon as O’Reilly receives a degree in epidemiology”, which given the Fox News pundit’s low IQ, would be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.

 

 

 

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TSA On High Alert As Obama Administration Unveils Useless And Ineffective New Ebola Screening At Airports

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the near hysterical ravings of pundits on both Fox and CNN regarding the single confirmed Ebola case in the country, and the resulting abject panic shown by weaker-minded American citizens, the U.S. government will begin screening passengers arriving at five airports from West African countries affected by the Ebola outbreak, the White House announced this afternoon.

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Earnest wanted reporters to assure the traveling public that TSA personnel were already taking time out from feeling-up attractive female passengers to look for anyone bleeding from the nose, ears, or mouth.

The five airports – John F. Kennedy International in New York, Newark, Chicago O’Hare, Atlanta and Washington Dulles—account for 94 percent of the passengers arriving each day from Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea, said White House press secretary Josh Earnest. And there are only about 150 such passengers each day at those airports, making it more feasible to screen people more intensively who come from or recently visited the affected countries.

The Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, Thomas Eric Duncan, arrived from Brussels at Dulles before flying to Dallas/Fort Worth International.

“The vast majority of passengers from those countries would be subject to this additional layer of screening,” Earnest said.

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TSA officers will undergo three weeks of intensive training so that they will be able to accurately take the temperature of every arriving passenger from the hot zone.

“That will counter and has countered the spread of Ebola,” he said, adding that pre-departure screening is only part of the process. Officials at U.S. airports have already been trying to spot travelers with potential Ebola symptoms.

Screening for fever will be conducted by Customs and Border Patrol, Coast Guard and personnel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Earnest said. And he said, the screening shouldn’t cause any “significant disruption to the broader traveling public.”

Earnest failed to say just why the hell Coast Guard personnel would be used in the airports, but experts assume that their success at keeping illegal drugs out of the country had something to do with it.

The White House Spokesman wasn’t sure if travelers with a fever would be put into quarantine. The Department of Homeland Security will provide more details on the new procedures later today.

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A source close to the CDC who wished to remain anonymous assured Fox News pundit Eric Bolling that there was really nothing to worry about and any white person who contracted the disease would receive the best medical care money could buy.

“I’m really not sure what we are going to do with someone who has a fever,” said Earnest. “It really does not matter anyway, because you don’t have to have a fever to be harboring the deadly virus.”

Duncan apparently had no fever until a few days after he arrived in Dallas, so the precautions are obviously just an attempt by the Administration to show that it is doing something, however ineffective that something may be.

Earnest conceded that there’s no way to screen people who are infected before they show symptoms — which is the point at which they become contagious.

“What we’re trying to do is quickly isolate cases of individuals who are showing symptoms” and therefore could spread the disease. “You can’t get it through the air. It’s not like the flu or catching a cold… What we’re trying to do is safeguard the global transportation infrastructure at the same time we’re protecting the American public,” said Duncan, with smirk on his face.

“Look, the main thing we are trying to do here is look good and silence the idiots on CNN and Fox who have a ten-year-old’s grasp of science and public health issues,” said Duncan, who addressed the gathering of White House journalists while dressed in a lovely violet hazmat suit.

As Earnest left the podium he encouraged everyone attending the news conference to wash their hands at least 50 times per day and lock themselves inside their homes until the crisis in West Africa has passed, which should be sometime within the next two years.