BEAVER, UTAH (CT&P) – The bloodthirsty asshole who shot and killed Echo, the grey wolf who traveled over 750 miles from the Northern Rockies to the Grand Canyon, has admitted to authorities that his penis and testicles are far below average in size.
The hunter, whose name is being kept secret for fear that actual decent human beings would surround his trailer and skin him alive, told officials that he had “always been insecure about his sexual organs”, and that is one of the main reasons he liked to inflict pain on innocent animals.
The pitiful excuse for a man told U.S. Fish and Game officers that he had mistaken the wolf for a coyote.
Genetic tests conducted at the University of Idaho found that the DNA sample taken from the wolf killed on December 28 was identical to the DNA in scat samples taken from Echo, the name given to the Grand Canyon wolf following a worldwide naming contest among schoolchildren.
Wolves in Utah are protected under the Endangered Species Act, and hunting them can bring penalties of up to a year in prison and tens of thousands of dollars in fines. A spokesperson for the Fish and Wildlife Service would not comment on the shooting, but said the investigation is under way.
“I find it very difficult to believe that this asshole could not tell the difference between a coyote and a grey wolf, said the spokesman. “Any third grader could tell the difference with one eye closed, and it would be damn near impossible to miss the huge radio collar that Echo was wearing.”
“I think it’s far more likely that this shithead, like most hunters, is trying to compensate for his pencil dick and shrunken testicles by going out and murdering any animal that he comes across. I’m sure he also beats his wife and kids in his spare time.”
The loss of the wolf made international news and has sparked anti-hunting protests across the country.
“It’s very sad news,” said Michael Robinson, a conservationist and wolf advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. “We and a lot of other people were rooting for her. Echo’s death illustrates the peril wolves face even under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.”
“We certainly hope that this moron will do time and be forced to pay some heavy fines,” said Robinson. Maybe in prison he’ll be able to find someone lonely enough to appreciate his miniscule member. People like this son of bitch should be sterilized before they are able to reproduce.”