Paul Ryan Losing Patience; Anxious To Start Killing Poor People


WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.

“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”

Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”

“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”

“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”

Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.

“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.

CPAC Rejects Trickle-Down Theory of Sexuality



WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.

On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.

The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.


Mr. Schlapp told reporters that Mr. Yiannapoulos’ views regarding sex with minors were unacceptable, at least when they were voiced in public. Schlapp said that CPAC would seek a replacement speaker who was more in line with mainstream conservative values.

“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.

“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.

As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.



European Space Agency Accelerates Mars Landing Project



PARIS – European Space Agency CEO Johann-Dietrich Worner told a reporter for Rocket Fuel Today magazine this morning that the organization is teaming with the China National Space Administration in order to move up dates for a manned landing on Mars.

“Recent events in the United States have really put a fire under our ass,” said Worner. “For years we’ve been trying to drag those people across the Atlantic into the modern age, and let me tell you, it’s been an uphill battle. We’re done. It’s time to get the hell out of here.”

Worner said that with the help of the Chinese a manned landing could be achieved as soon as 2022, with colonization beginning shortly thereafter.

In a prepared statement, CNSPA Administrator Xu Dahze told the international press that he looked forward to working with his friends in Europe and had high hopes of getting the majority of his people safely off the planet before “all hell breaks loose.”

“Americans crazy as fuck,” said Dahze. “Time to get our butts off this rock.”

According to the article in RFT, both parties are anxious to get as much done before Inauguration Day because “no one really knows what the hell is going to happen after that.”


Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team



PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.


So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.




Creepy Clown Sighting At Presidential Debate


LAS VEGAS – (CT&P) – The reports to the police have one thing in common with the circus act involving an improbable number of clowns emerging from a small car.

They just keep coming, and coming, and coming, across multiple states. Clowns in vans. Clowns in the woods. Clowns lurking in the shadows. Clowns chasing people or doing crimes.

But no one expected the rash of creepy clown sightings would affect the presidential election.

After Hillary Clinton took the stage last night in Las Vegas at the third and final debate, a giant clown dressed in an imported suit, ridiculously long tie, and covered in orange grease paint emerged and stood behind the opposition podium. The clown was wearing what seemed to be a dead fox on his head.

“It was really creepy,” said Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates Janet Brown.

“We have no idea where the clown came from. He obviously had no political experience or debating skills. We think he was there just to create chaos. One thing’s for sure, almost everyone was disgusted by his weird, nonsensical statements.”

The clown remained on stage and continually interrupted both the moderator and his opponent. As the debate wore on he became more and more incoherent as his blood pressure rose and his skin began to glow like a nuclear fuel rod.

After the debate the clown was seen getting into a large SUV and departing the venue.

The first reports of unusual orange clown sightings surfaced last summer with stories that the costumed figures were offering women money to lure them into the woods or were lingering in places while spouting hatred about immigrants and Muslims.

The orange clown sightings are apparently unconnected with sightings of average everyday clowns claimed in at least six other states: Alabama, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, North Carolina and Pennsylvania.

Trump Supporters Eagerly Await Arrival Of Comet



Greensboro, N.C. – (CT&P) – During what pundits described as his most unhinged speech to date, Donald Trump told supporters today to prepare for the arrival of a comet which would “Make the Galaxy Great Again.”

28 Mar 1997 --- Video of Marshall Herff Applewhite --- Image by © Brooks Kraft/Sygma/Corbis

Trump surrogate Marshall Applewhite Jr told CNN that in the coming weeks instructions will be provided to Trump supporters about how they can catch a ride to a racially pure fatherland.

Trump said the comet was discovered by amateur astronomer Marvin Schicklegruber of Forlorn Hope, Mississippi, who named it Trump-Pence in honor of his heroes on the Republican ticket.

“This is the biggest, best, most beautiful comet that ever came out of the Oort Cloud,” said Trump.

Mr Trump explained that the comet will appear in the heavens the week before the election, portending his victory over ‘Crooked Hillary’ and a secretive international cabal of bankers, Jews, women, educated people, immigrants, space aliens, establishment Republicans, dermatologists, and Paul Ryan who have all banded together to say very very horrible things about him and imply that he was not perfect.

Mr. Trump told excited supporters that the comet would usher in a new era in the solar system and eventually the entire Milky Way galaxy.

“Comet Trump-Pence is going to make the universe great again!” said Mr. Trump to a large crowd of poorly educated rednecks.


Applewhite told Wolf Blitzer that Trump fans could go to the campaign website and purchase special Trump sneakers, cups, and grape flavored Kool-Aid for use on November 9th when it will be time to join cosmic Aryans on the Mothership.

“In the coming weeks we’ll have instructions for all you loyal supporters regarding the comet,” said Trump, “but for now we’d like you all to buy alien abduction insurance to be on the safe side. On the way out of the auditorium please stop at the tables marked ‘Trump Risk Management’ and sign up. We have plans to fit every income.”

Appearing later on CNN senior adviser to the Trump Campaign Marshall Applewhite Jr told viewers more about the comet that Trump claims will bring change.

“Right now you can’t see the comet because it’s hiding behind Pluto,” said a visibly agitated Applewhite. “But when it gets here we’re gonna get on board the Mothership that’s traveling in its tail. The Mothership will take us to a new planet where there are no minorities and only subservient women. There we’ll have plenty of lebensraum and we’ll sire a racially pure civilization that will make the galaxy great again!”

Despite multiple attempts, the existence of Trump-Pence has not been confirmed by any independent observatories anywhere in the world. However, since Republicans traditionally don’t give a flying fuck about science, that fact is unlikely to have any effect on Trump supporters.



Donald Trump Under Attack From Evil Cabal



WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – During a speech this morning Donald Trump announced that he has come under attack by what “any reasonable person” would believe is a conspiracy involving, but not limited to, every national newspaper, every national and regional magazine, cable outlets, every television network except Fox News, all forms of social media, the GOP establishment, the entire Democratic Party, President and Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, the ghost of Buddy the Clinton’s slain Labrador Retriever, various sluts of all ages, the Illuminati, almost every Freemason on the planet, ISIS, Jimmy Hoffa, black folks, Mexicans, hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees milling about on Ellis Island, 1.8 billion Muslims, and the International Organization of Evil Jews who control just about everything on the fucking planet.

Mr. Trump said that he has incontrovertible proof of the conspiracy and it will be made public “really really soon.”

“The conspiracy is meant to demean me and steal the election from you, my highly intelligent and not a bit gullible supporters,” said Trump, as he glowed orange like a spent nuclear fuel rod.

“We all know that the Clinton Foundation has been grooming these ugly sluts over a period of months and has set them loose on the public right before everyone goes to vote on November 28th,” he said while waving his tiny hands in semi-circles in an attempt to hypnotize his dim-witted voters.

“I mean just look at them. Are those the kinds of women you think I would assault? I have a lot higher standards than that, let me tell you. I wouldn’t put my little hands anywhere near those skanks. And I want to make one thing very clear. I have never raped anyone! They were begging for it every time.”

Mr. Trump concluded his defense by saying that the attacks from every decent person on the planet had nothing to do with the words that spewed out of his own vile and vulgar mouth.

“It’s a huge, well-organized conspiracy decades in the making, let me tell you. None of this is my fault.”