Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Glenn Beck Reveals Ahmed Mohamed’s Co-Conspirator

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IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.

“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.

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Beck told his radio audience of over 3000 mentally deficient conspiracy theorists that this was the first time Bigfoot had surfaced since he teamed up with the Six Million Dollar Man in the late 70’s as part of a plot to discredit future President Ronald Reagan.

“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”

Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.

Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.

Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.

It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.

However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.

“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!

‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”

 

Glenn Beck’s Sanity Reaches “Tipping Point”

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LOS ANGELES -(CT&P) – A team of psychiatrists, psychologists, and graduate level researchers from UCLA tasked with keeping tabs on right-wing nut jobs has released a statement saying that they believe talk show host Glenn Beck has reached the point where he could snap and break with reality at any moment.

Beck, a historical revisionist, conspiracy theorist, and all around delusional fuckwit, runs his own media company, and has long been a magnet for weak-minded members of society.

Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team at UCLA, told CNN that the mere fact that Beck has so many followers in the United States is alarming and does not bode well for the future of the country.

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Beck has long been haunted by the idea that a space alien or Satanic demon has taken over his soul and is directing his actions. He has to constantly remind himself that he is indeed a human being.

“Beck is one crazy fuck,” said Bigboote. “He thinks the world is run by a combination of the Illuminati and some unnamed dark force that lurks just beyond the asteroid belt. He has a massive messiah complex, and when you combine that with his multiple conspiracy theories and fucked up interpretation of history, well, it makes for a volatile mixture.”

Dr. John Yaya and Professor John Small Berries, other members of the prestigious research team, agree.

“Beck spent an entire hour of his radio program interviewing Jonathan Cahn, a huckster of the highest order, about his “Mystery of the Shemitah” theory, which postulates that some massive calamity — possibly an economic meltdown, possibly a terrorist attack, possibly a natural disaster — is going to strike the United States on September 13,” said Dr. Yaya. “This kind of crap is better suited for some kind of steam punk comic book than serious television. It shows just how close Beck is to losing it.”

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Beck, considered by most reasonable people to be a raving lunatic, became too unstable even for Fox News.

“That’s right,” said Professor Small Berries. “Beck thinks that America has reached some kind of ‘tipping point’ that will push us over into certain doom. The term is taking the dim-witted, weak minded evangelical crowd by storm. You can’t swing a cat without hitting the term ‘tipping point’ on the internet. These people truly believe that civil rights for all, marriage equality, and progressive ideas such as health care for the poor are going to lead to our destruction. They’re truly delusional.”

The UCLA team is set to publish their findings in next month’s edition of Psychology Today.

“Hopefully people will listen to us this time,” said Bigboote. “We accurately forecast Urban Meyer’s break with reality but University of Florida officials ignored our warnings, and look what happened; the Gators are having trouble defeating high school caliber opponents.

“Our sincere hope is that Beck can be institutionalized and get the help he needs so badly before something horrible happens to him or his loved ones. The sooner we get this fucking lunatic off the air the better.”

Planned Parenthood Selling Fetal Tissue To Gay Labs

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.

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Although the 26-year-old Daleiden has never had sex with another person, he is widely considered to be an expert on reproduction, women’s health, and fetal tissue research.

Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”

According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.

 

“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.

 

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Daleiden said that gay laboratories, both foreign and domestic, are using fetal tissue to develop a “gay vaccine” to give to our kids in order to make them homosexuals.

“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”

 

After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.

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Daleiden told Beck that episode seven of his documentary will focus on the conspiracy to clone a gay Hitler and raise him to rule the United States after all our guns are taken away.

“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”

Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.

Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.

There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.

 

 

As Texans Brace For Invasion, Governor Abbott Puts National Guard On High Alert

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AUSTIN, TEXAS – (CT&P) – As Operation Jade Helm nears, Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) has put the Texas National Guard and various militia units on high alert in anticipation of a possible takeover by U.N. troops and members of Islamic extremist groups imported from the Middle East.

“We can’t afford to be taken by surprise by Obama’s Army of the New World Order who intend to, with the help of U.S. Special Forces, take away our guns and institute Sharia law,” said the unhinged governor. “This is just the first step in subjugating the American people and making them slaves to foreign countries. Obama has been planning this for years, and now it looks like the operation is underway.”

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Members of the Texas Patriot’s Militia from Lake Floating Turd north of Dallas drill to prepare for the onslaught of foreign fighters

Operation Jade Helm is the name for a long-planned military exercise spanning nine states and involving over 1200 special forces troops from four branches of the military. However, many weak-minded Tea Party fanatics, dunderhead Texans, and various doltish militia groups believe that it is a thinly veiled attempt to bring America to its knees by declaring martial law and confiscating citizen’s beloved firearms.

The Pentagon has done its best to allay these fears, going so far as to send out officers to assure idiots, cretins, imbeciles, and other Tea Baggers living in Texas that the exercise is meant to help the military become more proficient at protecting the very morons who are protesting.

At a meeting in Bastrop, Texas, a small dusty town known as “Turdville” to those living in surrounding communities, Lt. Colonel Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest, but the wise citizens of Bastrop weren’t falling for the obvious misinformation campaign.

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Even average Texas housewives are answering the call in Texas’ time of need.

Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)

“It’s the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany. You get the people used to the troops on the street, the appearance of uniformed troops and the militarization of the police,” said Bob Wells, a Bastrop resident, after the meeting. “They’re gathering intelligence. That’s what they’re doing. And they’re moving logistics in place for martial law. That’s my feeling. Now I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I’m a ‘conspiracy theorist.'”

Bob’s hopes and dreams have apparently come true, because he is indeed a paranoid dumbfuck  conspiracy theorist on par with people like Alex Jones and Glenn Beck.

Throughout his presentation, Lastoria stressed that Jade Helm 15 is a routine exercise to prepare the United States for the difficulties of modern warfare, in which soldiers must maneuver through civilian populations rather than fight on a pitched battlefield. Texas, which he noted is 10 percent larger than Afghanistan, has an ideal topography, Lastoria said.

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Tea Party sign-makers have been hired to help recruit new troops to help defend the state

“The terrain is very challenging and it’s going to make our soldiers sweat, and sweating in peacetime is what we want because it’s going to reduce the bleeding in wartime,” he said.

After the meeting Lastoria expressed his concern that the Pentagon was spending so much time and money training troops to protect such a miserable group of paranoid redneck twits.

Lastoria, who is from Pennsylvania, told CNN that “If this is a representative sample of the residents of Texas, then I say we let them secede and form their own miserable country. I haven’t seen this level of paranoia and stupidity since we conducted Operation Circle Jerk in the panhandle of Florida. It’s really distressing.”

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Glenn Beck broke down in tears on his show yesterday while talking about the upcoming invasion. “This is the end of America,” he warned for the 329th time in his career.

Meanwhile in Austin Governor Abbott has scheduled a series of meetings with General Byron Buttplug, commander of the Texas National Guard, to plan a coordinated response once blue-helmeted U.N. troops appear and try to take over Dallas and other major Texas cities.

“I want to assure all Texans that we are ready to meet this threat,” said Abbott. “We will fight to the last man, woman, and child in order to keep Texas the backwards-ass state it’s been since we joined the Union.”

The plan calls for every able-bodied Texan to take up arms and kill anyone who looks like he could be from a foreign country or sympathetic to the current administration. If all else fails, all units are to converge on Glenn Beck’s Westlake home in order to make a desperate last stand against the forces of evil.

 

 

 

 

Uptick In Ratings Makes Fox News Viewers 4th Largest Cult On Earth

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Fox News enjoyed a slight increase in number of viewers during prime time last month from 2.5 to 2.63 million, according to the latest Nielson ratings. The increase was just enough to edge Fox viewers into fourth place in current cult standings, according the best available data.

The Fox News apologists edged out the anti-vaxxing crowd for the fourth spot.

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Fox Newsies have often been compared to everyone’s favorite even-toed ungulate, the sheep.

Cult ratings are based purely on numbers of followers or believers as can be best determined by polling, membership lists, and other information that can be confirmed using generally acceptable methods.

Far and away the largest cult on the planet continues to be the Climate Change Denier’s Club, consisting of nearly 30% of the population of the United States and a few other idiots from around the world.

Next comes the Mormon Church, followed by the Young Earth Creationists, Fox News Artiodactyls, the Anti-Vaxxer’s Association, and the Insane Conspiracy Theorist’s League. Rounding out the top ten are Glenn Beck’s Confederacy of Dunces, the Ku Klux Klan, Scientologists, and the U.S. House of Representatives.

“We’re really excited about the growth of the cult,” said Sean Hannity, Fox News anchor and well-known asshat.

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Like MSNBC viewers, Fox disciples have been known to believe anything they hear on the network, no matter how ridiculous. Recently Fox put forth the idea that President Obama funded a conspiracy to bus thousands of Arabs to the polls to defeat Bibi Netanyahu. Few of them realize that Arabs citizens have equal voting rights in Israel and now hold 14 seats in the Knesset.

“We’re always looking for folks who will swallow our garbage hook, line, and sinker. More acolytes means more money for us and that’s always good. It also means we can continue to push our hateful right-wing agenda at the expense of real news. We see this as a win-win for the Republican Party and Fox News as well.”

During a recent interview Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton Lewis asked Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute just what the difference was between legitimate organizations and cults. Professor Hikita explained, “It’s sometimes difficult to differentiate because cult members can come from all areas of society and many of these nuts belong to more than one cult. Age, income, and level of education don’t seem to matter with these unhinged individuals.”

“The common denominator seems to be a combination of profound naiveté, an inability of the individual to engage in critical thought, and a desperate desire to have their own batshit ideas confirmed. I mean look at Scientology for example. You read their literature and say to yourself ‘who would believe that shit?’ and yet there are thousands of morons giving those cretins millions of dollars each year.”

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Professor Hikita said that despite the popularity of Fox News and other cults, it is important to remember that we are a nation of 320 million people, and the percentage of fruitcakes remains relatively low.

“There are otherwise intelligent human beings walking around that deny evolution exists, who think that the moon landings were staged, who believe that George Bush orchestrated 9/11, and think that President Obama is the Antichrist trying to destroy Israel, it’s really depressing if you dwell on it too long.”

“The really alarming thing is that many of these people vote in our elections,” concluded Hikita. “God knows what the future holds for this country.”

Professor Hikita did hold out some hope for America, however. He believes that a series of educational reforms could go a long way in curtailing the growth of wingnut groups and batshit belief systems in the future.

“If we start putting more emphasis on science, keep religious belief systems in churches and out of schools, and concentrate on teaching history as it actually occurred, I think we have a chance. If not, then we are in for a load of shit.”

 

 

 

 

Glenn Beck Predicts Asteroid Strike On 9/11

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Conspiracy theorist and right-wing nutcase Glenn Beck reported today that a coalition of terrorist groups led by ISIS, the Taliban, and Al-Qaeda In The Florida Peninsula (ALF) have successfully re-routed a huge asteroid that is poised to strike earth in the early morning hours of September 11th.

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Beck spent the first fifteen minutes of his program yesterday defending himself after a caller accused him of being an escapee from the Island of Dr. Moreau

Only yesterday Beck reported that 11 commercial jet-liners were missing from Tripoli International Airport and were destined to be flown to a town near you in order to immolate your friends and entire extended family in huge fireballs of Muslim retribution.

The revelations were seen and heard by the dozens of regular viewers of the Glenn Beck program on Beck’s fantasy television network, TheBlaze. TheBlaze is a site dedicated to terrifying the mentally challenged with ridiculous conspiracy theories, grammar school-level historical revisionism, and religious and political propaganda worthy of the best efforts of Joseph Goebbels.

“We are not quite sure where these heathen got the technology to re-route huge boulders millions of miles out in space, but I suspect that the Iranians are involved,” said Beck, as saliva dripped from one corner of his mouth.

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Beck became quite emotional as he described the Obama-led worldwide conspiracy to destroy the earth set to culminate only few days hence

“It is quite possible that President Obama handed over the top-secret tractor beam technology to the Iranians as part of his efforts to appease Islam, because everyone knows he is secretly working with the U.N. towards building a worldwide caliphate that would eventually mean the end of all logical and rational religions such as the LDS,” said the unhinged Beck, who began rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his left hand.

“I urge all my fans and followers to demand action by the U.S. government to intercept the planes and rocks that will be hurtling towards us on September 11th, lest the world as we know it come to an end,” said an emotional Beck, as two of his aides pulled him from in front of the camera.

No independent verification of Beck’s claims has so far been made.

Many sane sources believe that the revelations are on par with some of Beck’s other theories, including the worldwide attempt by climate scientists to silence all dissenters, “just like Hitler,” or comparing embryonic stem cell research to Nazi eugenics programs, or his claim that he had deciphered a “secret code” that proved President Obama was trying to set up an oligarchy.

Of course we won’t know for sure until September 12th rolls around, but Las Vegas odds-makers have said that Beck has about a one in a billion chance of being correct, based on his past performance.