Okra Madness: Daring Police Raid In Bartow County Nets Over 10 Kilos Of High Grade Vegetables

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Cops in Bartow County Georgia made a historic seizure of premium okra on Wednesday morning. A spokesman from the Georgia Bureau of Investigation told reporters in Atlanta that over 10 kilos of high grade seed pods were seized in a pre-dawn raid conducted by a SWAT team from the Governor’s Task Force for Drug Suppression.

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Captain Kermit Stokes led the historic raid which netted over 10 kilos of high-grade okra. He called it “yet another successful operation” in the ongoing War On Drugs.

Dwayne Perry of Cartersville told WSB-TV that he was awakened by a helicopter flying low over his house Wednesday and then some heavily-armed deputies and a K-9 unit showed up at his door. They were all armed with assault weapons, shotguns and stun grenades. They told Perry “they were out looking for marijuana plants.”

What they had seen, apparently, were Perry’s okra plants and a shrub at the end of his house.

Although Perry was not arrested, the offending vegetables were taken into custody. The street value of the okra was estimated to be as high as $5000 but one must keep in mind that the estimate was made by the same idiots that value a pound of pot at 25 to 40 grand.

The okra in question was later distributed amongst the governor’s staff, influential politicians, and high-ranking law enforcement officials as is usually the case when a major bust goes down. The felonious shrub was seized and transported under armed guard to the governor’s wife to plant at their private residence.

“We’re just glad that okra never made it into the mouths of innocent kids,” said Stokes.

“Do you know how much cholesterol is in a 12 cm pod of fried okra? It’s downright scary! I can remember being force-fed boiled okra as a boy on the farm where I grew up. It was like swallowing a bowlful of slime from the creature in Alien. Disgusting!”

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Captain Stokes told reporters that “since almost every annual or perennial looks the same from 5000 feet in the air, we don’t take chances. We consider anyone who maintains a backyard garden to be a dangerous criminal that needs to be investigated thoroughly.”

“And I’ll tell you something else, okra is a precursor ingredient in the manufacture of gumbo and other highly addictive substances. They can do what they like down there in Louisiana, but we are not going stand for letting our kids eat that crap in Georgia. I mean, it’s like hot dogs…who really knows what’s in that stuff?”

Captain Stokes told reporters that although no pot or hard drugs were seized during the raid, he saw no reason to change the modus operandi of the task force.

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Last year, Captain Drake was given a medal after a raid on a white supremacist compound in south Georgia that was thought to be manufacturing methamphetamine and oddly shaped IED’s. Although the target turned out to be a cantaloupe farm owned by relatives of former Governor Jimmy Carter, the raid was hailed as “an overwhelming success.”

“Our standard operating procedure is to fly aimlessly around north and central Georgia and try to spot suspicious plants from heights anywhere from 5000 to 10,000 feet,” said Stokes. “If we see something we think is suspicious, we call in as much firepower as we can muster, including Cobra attack helicopters from the closest Georgia Air National Guard base. You just can’t be too careful because you know how violent and dangerous these potheads usually are.”

“Then we storm the property, terrorize the homeowner, and demand to know which cartel he is associated with. It really is a successful formula. Sometimes we even get to mow down a dog or blow up an infant in a crib. It’s really a rush.”

Mr. Perry, who is retired and raises vegetables strictly for his own consumption, told WSB News that “No wonder we’re losing the Drug War with idiots like these folks running around. My neighbors now refer to me as Scarface. Thank God my chihuahua Ralph was locked in the bedroom. I’m sure these morons would have seen him as “clear and present danger” and roasted him alive with a flamethrower. I intend to sue the Governor and anyone else I can.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Georgia Cops Immolate Infant As Part Of New Drug War Initiative

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Sheriff Terrell is seen here after a raid on what used to be a Section 8 housing tract

ATLANTA (CT&P) – “I stand behind what our team did,” said Sheriff Joey “Kilgore” Terrell of Habersham County Georgia, referring to a 3:00 a.m. no-knock SWAT raid in which a 19-month-old child was severely burned by a flash-bang grenade. “There’s nothing to investigate, there’s nothing to look at,” continued the sheriff, relaying the conclusions of the County DA’s office and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. “Bad things can happen. That’s just the world we live in.”

The raid was carried out as part of state-wide pilot program called “Operation Crib Death.” The initiative is federally funded through the now infamous Patriot Act. Although the cash has been around for a while, Georgia is the first state to actually take advantage of it. The program seeks to “stop drug abuse before it starts” by severely maiming or murdering infants, toddlers, and preschoolers in order to “set an example” of just how dangerous drugs can be.

A spokesman for the GBI told reporters that the raid was an overall success and more “no-knock” warrants and illegal wiretaps will be used in the future. “Listen, the constitution is clear: government has the right to use any force necessary to determine where you live, who you marry, and what you put in your body,” said Corporal Mark “Napalm” Nabob. “We may not be able to regulate firearms in this country, but we can damn sure regulate everything else!”

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A Habersham County SWAT team member trains with a new flamethrower obtained with federal funding to fight the ‘War On Drugs’

The SWAT team involved in the raid that burned the unfortunate infant will be decorated for its brave and decisive action later this week. Singled out for special recognition will be Billy “Fastball” Baker, the courageous officer who actually managed to hit the crib dead center with a stun grenade while cowering behind a bulletproof shield.

“Billy showed exemplary aim and a cool head,” said Sheriff Terrell. “I don’t know three other guys in the southeast that could have made that shot. He’ll get a case of beer for that one!”

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In a raid earlier this spring, Sheriff Terrell responded to rumors of drug use in a Clarkesville middle school by dropping napalm from a police helicopter, thus neutralizing the threat. Only 200 lives were lost in the operation and it was deemed a resounding success

The pilot program that Georgia is using to incinerate its youth was initiated earlier this year as a result of frustration over the abysmal failure of the “War On Drugs” to do anything but make the problem much worse. “We’ve tried stealing drug user’s cars and homes, seizing their cash, killing their dogs and cats, imprisoning them longer than we do murderers and pedophiles, hell, we even shot a great-grandmother to death down in Atlanta, and nothing seems to work,” said Jimmy “Scorched Earth” Johnson of the DEA.

“So a bunch of us got together for a golf weekend and brainstorming retreat and we came up with this new program. We thought, well, there is nothing worse on the planet than people doing drugs in the privacy of their own homes, so if they wind up dead, we’re really doing them a favor,” said Johnson.

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While 19-month-old “Bou Bou” is in a medically induced coma fighting for his life, Habersham County SWAT team members are pulling on their jackboots and preparing for another raid

“That’s right,” added Corporal Nabob, “job number one of law enforcement has to be keeping kids off drugs, and if it means killing a few of them to set a good example, well, that’s what I call ‘tough love.'”

Although the program’s effectiveness has not yet been judged by experts, local law enforcement agencies all over the country are lining up to receive funding. The money will be used to purchase grenades with a greater “kill radius,” flamethrowers, drones armed with Hellfire missiles, and in the case of larger cities such as Los Angeles and New York, tactical nuclear missiles.

“Hopefully, this will make all the money we have spent to imprison our own citizens and ruin so many lives finally worthwhile,” said Johnson. “The ‘War On Drugs’ will never be over, but at least Operation Crib Death will save a few innocent children from the evils of drugs, even if it does kill them.”