Gigantic Scrotum On Collision Course With Earth

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HONOLULU – (CT&P) – Less than one hour after the Supreme Court issued its ruling on marriage equality, astronomers at the Maui Space Surveillance Site detected a huge asteroid hurtling towards earth.

The scrotum-shaped rock is roughly the size of Texas and is traveling about 30 kilometers per hour. Scientists have calculated that the asteroid will strike somewhere near the geographic center of the lower 48.

Officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the siting and told CNN that the asteroid is weird in that it appears to be piloted by a 2000 year-old dude of Middle Eastern descent with a beard and flowing robes.

On May 1st, End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles warned his unbalanced and bigoted audience that just this thing was going to happen. When reached for comment Wiles said “I told you so! This is what happens when you offer health insurance to the poor and let gay people get married. God is angry and is going to cleanse America of sin with this flaming fireball of divine justice.”

The Right Reverend Franklin Graham, who called for “spiritual warfare” against pro-gay businesses recently, told Fox News that he didn’t quite expect such a rapid response from the all-loving deity, but was happy to see it just the same.

“I think it’s great that God has decided to immolate the United States,” said Graham. “When you go against the teachings of old book written before we knew that our own excrement should not be disposed of in our water supply, bad things happen.”

Reverend Graham was later seen preparing to abandon his flock and get the hell out of the United States on his private jet.

Some religious leaders expressed disappointment that Alaska and Hawaii had apparently been spared the destruction, but they all rejoiced when JPL announced they had detected a giant penis-shaped comet aimed at Anchorage and a huge cloud of space debris resembling a vagina speeding towards the Pacific island chain.

 

 

 

 

Fox To Air ‘So You Think You’re A Sprinter’ In September

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox has announced that it will air its newest reality show, So You Think You’re A Sprinter, in late September. The show will be shot live on location in a number of major metropolitan areas around the country.

The innovative program will feature unarmed black teens attempting to flee police custody while avoiding flying billy clubs, Tasers, and gunfire from a variety of military grade weapons.

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Cops who successfully neutralize contestants through the use of brute force, electric shock, machine gun fire, or any other civil rights violation will be awarded the Bedford Forrest Medal of Gallantry, a small cash prize, and an all expenses paid trip to the Annual FOP Dog Killing Festival in Little Rock this spring

The show will consist of eight one-hour episodes during which the number of contestants will be whittled down through a process of exhaustion, depression, life threatening back injuries, and death, all at the hands of rogue cops.

During the last episode, if any of the original contestants are still alive, they will be forced to run  a gauntlet of angry white rednecks armed with deer rifles who will be chosen at random from rural areas in Florida, Texas and Arkansas.

Executives at Fox are quite optimistic that the show will be a hit, citing the success of an entire news channel devoted to the kind of people who would really enjoy just this kind of thing.

The show is expected to air on September 25th, and will be going up against the new offering from Bravo, Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip; ABC’s popular docudrama Last Terrorist Standing, a cautionary tale about five dumbass Arab goat herders duped into joining ISIS; and CBS’s controversial new red state sitcom about how zany  gay marriage can be in ‘The Land That Time Forgot.” It will be called How I Met Your Scrotum.

 

Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

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Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

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After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

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After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”

 

 

God Vows To Destroy Ireland The First Chance He Gets

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.

“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”

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Sources told Fox News that gay marriage would destroy America because an all-merciful God would hurl a gigantic scrotum at the geographic center of the continental United States, killing the entire population

The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.

The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”

The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.

“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.

 

 

Huckabee Warns Of Apocalypse If SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Inter-Species Marriage

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FORBIDDEN ZONE – (CT&P) – During a campaign swing through the Forbidden Zone today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee warned crowds that if the Supreme Court rules in favor of inter-species marriage then all hell will break loose and America will be plucked from the surface of the earth and cast into the Lake of Fire.

“God will never forgive us for this,” said a sweating Huckabee. “Inter-species breeding is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord. We’ve already condemned ourselves to thousands of years in Purgatory for legalizing abortion and allowing minorities to vote. We don’t want to seal our fate by offering legal protection to those who wish to ignore God’s commandments.”

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Huckabee told adoring crowds that God would destroy America and murder millions of men, women, and children if we didn’t profess our love for him on a daily basis.

Although he is considered a long shot, Huckabee’s campaign for the Republican nomination has gathered steam in recent days as he has traveled the country pandering to his base of insane religious zealots, backwoods bigots, and gospel band base players.

Among other things, Huckabee has promised to set up “death panels” to determine whether liberals and atheists will be burned at the stake or simply sent to Christian re-education camps. He’s also promised to limit the tax exempt status of churches to those who “love Jesus” and will deport all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and members of other faiths.

One of Huckabee’s most popular programs with his base is his “Back to the Promised Land” initiative, in which he proposes sending all Jewish Americans to Israel “where they belong.” “We love Israel and the Jews as a people because they were chosen by God, but we really don’t want to deal with those Christ killers on a personal basis,” said Huckabee.

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Huckabee told students at Simian High School in Half-life, New York that God was watching them 24 hours a day and any deviation from the strict and bizarre rules set forth in the Bible would result in them spending eternity in Hell.

The former governor promised that if he is elected president, homosexuals, pedophiles, and those practicing bestiality will all be executed except in certain areas of Arkansas and rural Appalachia where he polls well.

Most political experts believe that Huckabee stands little chance of gaining the Republican nomination, much less becoming president, but Huckabee insists that America needs to “hear the Good News of God’s love” from one of his loyal servants, so he will continue campaigning as long as he can con poor white people out of 10-25 dollar donations.

“I’m out here trying to stop America from becoming a progressive and caring nation with equality for all despite their sexual orientation or choice of mate,” said Huckabee. “I feel if we all pull together we can make America a shining light for all those around the globe who want to return to the Middle Ages and a social hierarchy based on the divine right of kings.”

Huckabee is scheduled to swing through the old Confederacy next week where he will be introducing his “Barefoot and Pregnant” initiative for newly married females.

 

 

Georgia Florist Provides Long-Awaited Answers On Sin, Ten Commandments

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.

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Mrs. Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus appears in her dreams regularly and gives her advice on important decisions. She said that he also told her that the CIA had planted listening devices in her flower shop.

Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.

Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she  was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.

Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”

When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.

“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.

“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”

When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.

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Jeffcoat said that sometimes Jesus appeared as a white man with a beard riding a Tyrannosaur that he called “Spike.”

“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”

Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.

Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.

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Jeffcoat’s son Carlton is studying to be a Southern Baptist minister so he can fleece gullible believers and use the cash to live an extravagant lifestyle

“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”

When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”

Georgia Company To Fill Void Left By Memories Pizza

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.

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Co-founder of Deliverance Herbert “Cowboy” Coward told Wolf Blitzer that his establishments have always encouraged love and intimacy between family members, even cousins.

Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.

“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.

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All Deliverance units boast live music on Friday and Saturday nights.

Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.

“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.

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Coward told Blitzer that he looks forward to the day that marriage equality was a reality in Georgia so he could marry Ned, his partner of over 40 years.

“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”

“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”

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Many Deliverance pizzerias have outdoor playgrounds so the kids can entertain themselves while waiting on their pizza.

On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.

Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.