Smith To Replace McCarthy At EPA

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Disgusted with the glacial pace of environmental reform and the gas and oil industry’s stubborn refusal to admit culpability for the world’s ongoing climate crisis, President Obama has announced sweeping changes at the EPA including the appointment of a new administrator, Agent Smith.

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Smith conferred with himself for several days before accepting the new position at EPA

“Smith knows how to get things done,” said the President, at a brief White House press conference this morning. “We believe that Smith’s ability to replicate himself and seemingly be everywhere at once will save us money on inspectors and help cut through bureaucratic red tape. After all, nearly everyone is terrified of the man, and all those who have taken him on in the past have ended up dead.”

Smith told reporters that he was honored to be taking over the leadership role at EPA, as  he had long wanted to do something about the plague of humans destroying what was once a pristine planet.

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The ubiquitous Agent Smith’s ability to replicate himself is considered one of his most valuable assets. “Since he requires only one salary and benefits package, he’ll save us millions in health care costs alone,” said President Obama.

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here,” said Smith. “It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and I am the cure.”

The appointment of Smith was made over protests from nearly every industry leader in the United States, who have had free rein to run roughshod over environmental rules and regulations up to this point.

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President Obama threatened to bring in Bricktop if Agent Smith should fail in his mission

“It’s downright unpatriotic to prevent us from destroying our great country’s land and water resources!” said ExxonMobil’s CEO Rex Tillerson, a huge proponent of fracking. “For decades we have been allowed to pollute and lay waste to the land, air, and water of this great land, and now is no time to try to stops us. It might raise the cost of a gallon of gasoline an extra ten cents! Do you want to pay an extra ten cents per gallon every time you fill up? Obama is obviously a Muslim communist intent on destroying our economy through needless rules and regulations. It’s outrageous!”

Tillerson, an industry leader, made the list of “Top Ten American Hypocrites of 2014” for joining a lawsuit to prevent fracking close to the neighborhood in which he lives. He joined other luminaries on the list such as the Reverend Pat Robertson and Judge Antonin Scalia.

When asked what would happen to the environment and future generations if Smith did not bring the energy sector under some semblance of control, Tillerson replied, “Fuck the fucking environment and fuck future generations. We are here to make money, plain and simple.”

Smith is scheduled to assume his new post on October 1st.

Politicians In North Carolina Hope Fracking Legislation Will Get Them Reelected While Decimating The Local Biosphere

North Carolina Governor McCrory attends a National Governors Association discussion during its Winter Meetings in Washington

Governor McCrory relates his vision of a poisoned North Carolina moonscape to oil and gas executives while on an all expenses paid vacation to Las Vegas last fall.

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Fed up and disgusted with the natural beauty and abundant wildlife in the region, North Carolina politicians have pushed a bill through the legislature that would allow fracking throughout the state. The bill was signed into law today by Republican Governor Pat “Scorched Earth” McCory.

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North Carolina Republicans hope that by poisoning the groundwater the state can obliterate troublesome wildlife and run off pesky tourists.

The Republican-led state legislature moved quickly last week to fast-track permits for fracking, in which rock formations are cracked and infused with chemical-laced water to extract natural gas.

The technology has led to a nationwide boom in domestic gas production, and North Carolina is believed to have untapped reserves of shale gas in a massive underground rock formation. In 2012, regulators estimated the state had 83 million barrels of natural gas liquids, or roughly a five-year supply for the state.

A 2012 North Carolina law cleared the way for fracking to begin, but called for a separate vote after rules were drafted to protect the environment. The new law allows permits to be issued without further legislative action two months after state regulations are completed, likely early next year.

The new law also expressly forbids local governments to ban fracking and makes it illegal to reveal just what the fuck kind of chemicals are being injected into the earth all over the state.

“We have watched and waited as other states moved forward with energy exploration, and it is finally our turn,” said Governor McCrory. “This legislation will spur economic development at all levels of our economy, not just the energy sector.”

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House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis hopes that the bill will help him become a U.S. Senator and make tracts of land available to store nuclear waste materials. “We need to follow in the footsteps of West Virginia. Those guys really know what they’re doing,” said Tillis.

“We sincerely hope that we can join other states that are rapidly poisoning their drinking water supplies and creating a blight on their landscapes with all those hideous fracking rigs,” continued McCory, whose gloved left hand began to exhibit a slight tremor. “I mean, the amount of gas we hope to recover is not that large, but the political benefits could be enormous, and we get to destroy some pristine environments and kill a lot of wildlife in the process. It’s a big ‘win-win-win’ for everyone involved!”

Fracking opponents say the drilling practice contaminates groundwater and air, among other problems. State Representative Pricey Harrison, a Democrat, said the extra vote required by the earlier law was a crucial safeguard.

“We promised the people of North Carolina we were not going to move forward with fracking until we have rules in place to protect the public health and the environment,” said Harrison. “This bill violates that promise.”

However, House Speaker Thom “Reign of Terror” Tillis, the Republican seeking to unseat Democratic U.S. Senator Kay Hagan this fall, said the change was needed to jump-start exploration in the state.

“We need to get the industry interested in doing the research and necessary steps to really determine the extent to which this is a viable industry in North Carolina,” Tillis said last week. “What we’re trying to do is provide certainty to the industry.”

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Governor McCrory has hired Russian company, Chernobyl Enterprises, Inc., to design and build a string of nuclear power plants from the Tennessee state line to the Atlantic Ocean. The plants are expected to generate vast quantities of electricity to surrounding states where former North Carolinians will be forced to flee.

“We hope that this new legislation will do for North Carolina what strip mining and mountain top removal has done for West Virginia,” said Tillis. “I don’t know about you, but I am sick to fucking death of seeing postcards of breathtaking mountains views, beautiful streams, and gorgeous lakes. All they do is bring tourists into our state. What we really need is a few jobs that will last a couple of years until the supply of natural gas is used up. Then we’ll be left with some nice Superfund sites that will bring in some federal cash. Who knows, maybe we can even get some contracts to store spent nuclear fuel within some of our old national parks!”

The bill passed over protests from local governments and property owners all over the state who are concerned about the effects of fracking on fish and wildlife, as well as the state’s natural beauty.

When asked what happened to the old Ronald Reagan Republican Party that wanted to return power to local government, Governor McCrory replied, “Listen, politics today is ruled by cash, and cash only. The Supreme Court made sure of that. We politicians have one major goal, and that’s reelection. To hell with everything else, and that damn sure includes the environment! Who gives a shit what this place looks like 50 years from now? I’ll be long dead by then.”

The legislature is also considering a variety of other job-friendly bills that would allow strip mining in western parts of the state, oil rigs within 500 yards of the state’s beaches, above ground nuclear testing in the Piedmont region, and a complete defoliation of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park using a mixture of Agent Orange and radioactive isotopes of caesium.