St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch To Be Promoted


ST LOUIS, MISSOURI (CT&P) – Frank Ancona, president of the Missouri chapter of the Traditionalist Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, based in Park Hills, Missouri, has announced that St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch will be promoted to the level of “Grand Imperial Anus” of the KKK at a gala pageant over the Christmas holidays.


Ogre and pompous ass Robert McCulloch has for many years aspired to be a giant asshole and was overcome with emotion when he was told he would soon hold the title of Grand Imperial Anus

Ancona, who made headlines recently by threatening “lethal force” against Ferguson protestors, told Chris Hayes of MSNBC that the group was “proud beyond words” of McCulloch’s handling of the grand jury in the Darren Wilson case.

Wilson, who gunned down unarmed black teenager Michael Brown on a street corner in Ferguson earlier this year, was not charged with a damn thing for his reckless actions.

“We need more guys like Bob in local and state government,” said Ancona. “He really knows how to treat these mongrels that pollute our country with their thuggish music and filthy black skin. I’m proud to call him a member of our group and I think that he will handle the added responsibility of being a giant anus like real pro.”


Murderous cop Darren Wilson will be awarded the “James Earl Ray Proficiency in Firearms Award” despite the fact that he had to empty an entire clip into Brown in order to bring him down

Ancona also mentioned that Darren Wilson, a longtime member of the organization, will be receiving the James Earl Ray Award for Proficiency in the Use of Firearms, even though it took around a dozen rounds to “bring down that giant nigger.”

Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson and the entire overwhelmingly white police force are also slated to be honored at the banquet.


The gala awards banquet will be held in the Missouri countryside and everyone is invited as long as you are not a nigger, Jew, fag, or gypsy

“We wanted to honor Chief Jackson and his boys for the brutal way in which they dealt with the protests after the ‘turkey shoot,'” said Ancona.

“This whole episode shows what a town and county can accomplish when a white police chief, a white police force, a white prosecutor, and a white governor can get together to protect a white police officer when he murders an unarmed black teenager in broad daylight. It really reinforces the great pride I have in this wonderful country in which we live.”



Enraged By Ferguson Decision, Godzilla Comes Ashore And Destroys Tokyo


TOKYO (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that approximately one hour after the announcement that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a furious Godzilla waded ashore from Tokyo Bay and began to destroy the city.


Godzilla made a brief side trip to Fukushima and enjoyed an extra-large cesium-137 smoothie before returning to Tokyo to wreak havoc

Witnesses reported that Godzilla used his patented heat ray along with his massive feet to create a swathe of destruction five miles wide and around fifteen miles long in and around the city.

Japanese authorities used every weapon at their disposal including white cops in riot gear in an attempt to stop the gargantuan reptile but nothing seemed to have any effect on the creature. U.S. troops stationed in and around the home island joined in the battle but Godzilla seemed unaffected by even the most modern weapons.


Godzilla told reporters that he did not want his son growing up in a world full of white bigots. He said his next target will be Fox News headquarters in New York

“Most of Tokyo now lies in ruins,” said a tearful Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Godzilla showed no mercy this time. He just walked out of the sea and tore our city all to hell! He even destroyed Ray’s Sushi and Comfort Woman Bar in Shinjuk. Now I have no idea where I’ll go to relieve the stress that builds up from this fucking job. First Fukushima and now this. Can’t those idiot Americans get their act together? I mean Jesus!”


Godzilla addressed the media from a sandbar in Tokyo Bay

After a full night of unbridled destruction, Godzilla returned to Tokyo bay where he held a brief press conference before returning to the depths.

“The situation in Ferguson reflects the entrenched white male power structure in the United States,” said Godzilla. “It appears that Missouri has made no progress since the days of Jim Crow. I fully expect this kind of thing from that dystopian hellscape they call Florida, but Missouri? I thought those folks were better than that. I guess it’s open season on unarmed black kids in America.”

When asked why he destroyed a Japanese city instead of heading up the Mississippi River to St. Louis, Godzilla replied that it was just force of habit.

This is the 47th time Godzilla has destroyed the Japanese capital.

Missouri Passes Strict Anti-Abortion Legislation; Rejects Similar Law Protecting Unarmed Black Teens


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Missouri lawmakers enacted one of the nation’s most stringent abortion waiting periods Wednesday, overriding a veto of legislation that will require women to wait 72 hours after consulting with a doctor before ending a pregnancy.

B0003402 Early human embryo

Missouri lawmakers have always had the utmost respect for zygotes, but that respect dwindles after the child is born, particularly if it turns out to be black, a Democrat, or God forbid both.

The vote by Missouri’s Republican-led Legislature overrules the veto of Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, who had denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women because it contains no exception for cases of rape or incest.

About half of the states, including Missouri, already have abortion waiting periods of 24 hours.

Missouri’s new law will be the second most-stringent behind South Dakota, where its 72-hour wait can sometimes extend even longer because weekends and holidays are not counted. Utah is the only other state with a 72-hour delay, but it grants exceptions for rape, incest and other circumstances.

Missouri lawmakers specifically rejected an amendment earlier this year that would have granted exceptions for rape and incest. Abortion opponents argued that it would have diminished the value of some lives depending on how they were conceived.

The state legislature is of course 75% white male.


Legislators pointed out that Missouri cops feel threatened by unarmed black males, who might hurt them in some way

Legislators also rejected an amendment to the law that would have called for a “five-minute cooling off period” before cops gunned down unarmed black teenagers on Missouri’s city streets. Lawmakers expressed concern that the amendment would sow confusion among “them negras,” and create an atmosphere of disrespect in cities where all white police forces lorded over majority black neighborhoods.

“We just can’t take away an officer’s right to choose,” said Jeffrey Jingo, a state senator from Bigot Bluffs. “If we let young black males freely roam our streets without showing them who’s boss, then all hell could break loose. I mean, you saw what happened in Ferguson, right? The last thing we need is all them colored folks thinking they enjoy the same civil rights as respectable members of our community.”

Planned Parenthood, which operates Missouri’s only licensed abortion clinic in St. Louis, has not said whether it will challenge the 72-hour waiting period in court. But the organization has said its patients travel an average of nearly 100 miles for an abortion, and an extra delay could force them to either make two trips or spend additional money on hotels.

Missouri’s new waiting period law will take effect 30 days after the veto-override vote.


Obama Holds Urgent Talks With Leaders Of Countries Under No Threat Whatsoever


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the ongoing third-world crises in Iraq, Ukraine, and Ferguson, Missouri, President Obama flew to a region under no particular immediate threat whatsoever in an attempt to confuse our enemies into thinking we have no fucking idea what we are doing.

At a press conference in Estonia, Mr. Obama pledged unwavering support for Poland and the Baltic countries in the event that Russian troops invaded and took over the region.


Russian President Vladimir Putin assured members of the press that Russia had no intentions of invading as he personally reconnoitered the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River.

“I want the people of the Baltic Rim to know that if Russia ever poses a threat to their freedom, the full might of the U.S. military will hovering somewhere in the general vicinity, ready to look mean and issue dire threats to the invading Cossacks,” said the President.

“The people of Estonia will never stand alone against the Russian threat,” said Obama, “the people of the United States will stand firmly behind you and think pleasant thoughts as you are enslaved once again by oppressors from the East.”


Photographs taken by Ukrainian military intelligence seem to suggest that the Russians are directing rebel artillery fire from airborne platforms.

The President also outlined his plan for defeating the savage religious zealots of ISIS, currently running amok in Syria and parts of Iraq.


Putin continues to insist that all he wants is peace, and offered this puppy to the president of Ukraine as an expression of love between the people of the two nations.

“We have initiated an emergency war plan called ‘Operation Dropkick,’ which calls for the redeployment of a crack unit of shock troops to Iraq in order to fight the terrorists of ISIS,” said Obama.

Obama told journalists that the shock troops, known for their brutality and lack of compassion, consist of the combined police forces of Ferguson and St. Louis County Missouri. They will be airlifted along with all their military equipment to Baghdad next week and transported (via forced busing) to the front lines, where they will be turned loose on the vile and evil terrorists.

“This combined force, known as the ‘Devil’s Brigade,’ will be the spearhead of our effort to wipe ISIS off the map,” said the President.

The President told members of the press that the “Devil’s Brigade” was originally slated to fight in eastern Ukraine, but it was thought that the unit would not be able to work up enough hatred to fight members of its own race, so it was redirected to Iraq.

“As long as the Kurds keep those bigots pointed in the right direction, I have confidence that our problems with ISIS will soon be over,” said Mr. Obama.

While Obama was talking tough in Estonia, leader of the Russian hordes Vladimir Putin was conducting solo reconnaissance missions of the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River. He still assures the world that Russian intentions are completely peaceful and he has no plans for invasion within the next 8 to 24 hours.

Ferguson Cops To Be Retrained In The Use Of Firearms


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson announced this morning that the entire Ferguson police force will be attending mandatory remedial firearms training classes this fall.

Chief Jackson spoke to reporters via video link  from an underground command and control bunker outside Ferguson.


The retraining facility in Florida is located close to bars and restaurants where officers can relax and kick back after training sessions.

“Although we have not as yet had the time nor the inclination to interview Officer Wilson about the shooting involving that black guy Michael Brown, it appears that it took at least six shots to bring the bastard down, and that is just not acceptable,” said Jackson.

“Early autopsy reports clearly show that Darren is having a problem with his aim. We have high standards here in Ferguson, and we expect all of our officers to be able to bring down a black suspect with a maximum of three shots. Darren’s grouping in this case was entirely inadequate.”

“I’ve talked to the mayor and he has assured me that we can find the funds to send the entire force, except of course for our three black officers, to Panhandle Police Training, Inc., this fall,” said the Chief.


During downtime, trainees at Panhandle are encouraged to participate in “team-building” activities

Panhandle Police is a training facility located deep in the swamps of northwest Florida. In addition to improving officer’s aim, it teaches the “Bashar al-Assad” method of crowd control, with the liberal use of automatic weapons, air strikes, and nerve agents. It is internationally renowned for its ability to retrain cops who have gone soft over the years or have lost “that killing edge.”

Although Florida seems like a long way to go to be retrained, Panhandle Police has the advantage of being located close to several white supremacist headquarters with restaurant, bar, and recreation facilities so that stressed-out officers can blow off steam after a hard day’s training. This allows cops from all over the country to return to their jurisdictions relaxed, refreshed, and ready to run roughshod over individual’s civil rights.


Rumors abound that some of Panhandle’s trainers have checkered pasts. The rumors remain unsubstantiated however, because every journalist attempting to investigate them has mysteriously disappeared.

In addition to firearms training, Panhandle offers classes in abuse, corruption, and homogeneity.

“I don’t just want to improve our officer’s aim,” said Jackson. “I’ve asked Mayor Knowles for extra funds so that our brave white police officers can be taught not to be so timid around large unarmed minority crowds with embedded reporters and photographers from major news outlets. A few well placed sniper rounds or the use of a little mustard gas when those black folks first started getting uppity would have worked wonders for this community.”

“In the meantime, I have ordered the entire force to carry shotguns or fully automatic assault weapons and hand grenades in order to make up for our poor aim,” said Jackson. “We don’t want another embarrassing episode like we are currently facing with Darren, now do we?”

Reporters were initially invited to attend Chief Jackson’s briefing in the comfort of his nicely appointed and air-conditioned command and control bunker but were unable to get through the cordon of tanks and armored personnel carriers surrounding the entrance.

Ferguson Missouri’s First Annual Reenactment Of Tiananmen Square Massacre Proclaimed ‘Huge Success’ By Mayor And Local Law Enforcement Officials


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – At a press conference outside embattled Ferguson, Missouri this morning, local law enforcement officials praised the success of its first annual “Remember Tiananmen Square” festival and reenactment.


Although Chief Jackson bemoaned the fact that he did not have an entire armored column at his disposal, he told reporters that he thought that “all them black folks get the point we are trying to make.”

The festivities, which kicked off over a week ago with the execution of an unarmed black teen by a white police officer, have exceeded all expectations, according to Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson.

“I just can’t tell you how delighted we are with the results, and we look forward to holding many more festivals in the future,” said Jackson.

The almost all white city council and police department got the idea for the festival from watching international reporting on “hot spots” around the world where oppressive regimes and terrorist thugs have been brutally abusing ethnic and religious groups.


Ferguson businesses could not be happier. They are doing a booming business in “atrocity” play-sets for kids and have practically sold out of stylish Kevlar vests in an assortment of colors.

“We thought hey, what great way to remind the colored folks of Ferguson just who is in charge around here,” said Chief Jackson, “and since we had all this cool second-hand military equipment we should put it to good use instead of letting it lie around gathering dust.”


Ferguson officials hope that next year’s The Killing Fields movie festival and Khmer Rouge theme park will be as great a success as this year’s celebration of civil rights.

“The idea of initiating the chaos with a good old racially motivated police shooting of an unarmed black dude really worked to perfection,” said Mayor James “There Is No Racial Divide In Ferguson” Knowles. “I have to give credit for that particular idea to Imperial Lizard Nathan Bedford Forrest IV, a long-time city council member. Brilliant idea Bedford!”

Future plans call for a new ‘atrocity exhibition’ in Ferguson each year. Ideas include a reenactment of the “killing fields” of Cambodia courtesy of the Khmer Rouge, a 12 act outdoor stage play of several of Stalin’s purges, a theme park dedicated to Mao’s Cultural Revolution, and possibly a month-long celebration of the Spanish Inquisition to coincide with the 2016 presidential election.

“We cannot stress enough how happy we are with all the national and international attention we’re getting,” said Mayor Knowles. “This event has really put our sleepy little hamlet on the map. I hope it encourages individuals and businesses from all over America to consider a move to the great state of Missouri, where ‘we all just get along!'”

As long as the homogeneous white male power structure is armed with tanks and machine guns, that is…

Under Pressure From Feds, Ferguson Adopts Controversial “No Kill” Policy


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Under pressure from the U.S. Justice Department, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon, and just about every decent person in the United States, the city of Ferguson Police Department has changed its “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death for no apparent reason” policy to one of “shoot unarmed black teenagers to death only when witnesses are not present.”

The new “no kill in public” policy is highly controversial within the nearly all white department. Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson told reporters that he almost had an internal riot on his hands when he informed the rank and file of the change of policy.


During an emotional press conference in which Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson openly wept, he announced that police officers in Ferguson could no longer mow down surrendering suspects. “This will mean that we have to totally retrain our force from the bottom up, and that will really cut into our budget” said Jackson. “It also probably means that we won’t be able to afford to purchase the tanks and warplanes we need to keep the peace around here. It’s just heartbreaking.”

“It is with great reluctance that I announce that Ferguson police officers will no longer be able to gun down black youths on a whim,” said Jackson. “I really see no reason to change a policy that has for decades worked so well for so many overwhelmingly white police departments across America, but the Feds have threatened to take back our machine guns and armored cars if we don’t do as they say, so we really have no choice.”

Jackson was clearly frustrated by the turn of events.

“Someone tell me just how in the hell are we supposed to intimidate and oppress minorities if we can’t run roughshod over their civil rights by occasionally blowing one of them away?”

Chief Jackson and others within the department apparently thought that the release of incriminating footage of a 7-11 being robbed by “a large black person” and the subsequent “grand theft” of a pack of Swisher Sweets would have been enough to get the rest of the country to agree with them that Michael Brown needed to be shot to death, but such was not the case.

“I really thought once we released that video of what was obviously a crime on par with the Rwandan genocide that all this crazy protest shit would calm down,” said Jackson. “I mean, it’s obvious to anyone that Michael Brown needed to be shot several times if only just to teach him and his buddies a lesson. We believe that the fact that he had his hands up and was surrendering when he was slaughtered drives the point home like nothing else could. I stand by the actions of my officer.”

Police chiefs from around the country wholeheartedly agreed.

Sheriff R.T. “Bloody” Scrotum of Bay County Florida told Fox News, “Them folks must be crazy up thar. I tell you what, down here in Florida we know how to keep colored folks in line. We don’t let ’em vote, and when one of ’em get’s too big for his britches, well then we just plant some evidence or take him on a sightseein’ trip to some squalid swamp up around the dog track. Down here, gators are a peace officer’s best friend.”

The U.S. Justice Department and the FBI are carrying out their own investigations of exactly what occurred in Ferguson last Saturday. Both organizations have long since given up on Florida.