FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.


FBI Says Geller Never In Any Real Danger


BOSTON – (CT&P) Officials revealed this week that the Islamic State terror group has a foothold in all 50 states as it continues to target disaffected Americans through its torrent of online propaganda and slick videos of barbaric beheadings and mutilations.

The stark warning comes days after ISIS-inspired gunman Saif Rezgui unleashed horror on at a Tunisian beach resort, killing 39 vacationers and wounding dozens more. 


At one time Ms Geller was fairly attractive but that was before her hair was mysteriously transformed into a seething mass of pit vipers.

The FBI has reportedly set up command centers in each of its 56 field offices in case extremists try to mark the July 4 weekend by unleashing similar carnage here in the U.S. American ISIS ‘recruits’ to date have included schoolgirls, a young nurse, a homophobic bakery manager and part-time florist and even a National Guard soldier who hatched a plan to gun down 120 of his own colleagues. 

FBI agents have made at least 30 arrests on US soil this year as they try to combat the murderous reach of ISIS and its batshit crazy religious kook followers.

Some have conspired to travel or send friends abroad to link up with fundamentalist fighters while others have plotted jihad here in the US – with Capitol Hill among the targets for a foiled bombing raid.

Gunmen Elton Simpson, 30, and Nadir Soofi, 34, came perilously close on May 4 when they were shot dead while trying to storm a controversial ‘Draw Mohammed’ event in Garland, Texas.

Another young fanatic, Usaamah Rahim, 26, was killed last month as he lunged at police with a knife in Boston’s Roslindale neighborhood. He was allegedly plotting to decapitate controversial anti-Islam activist Pamela Geller, the organizer of the same controversial Texas event.


Americans are split on whether it would be best to adopt sharia law or live in a world where people like Geller are in charge.

However, Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III of the FBI’s Boston field office told CNN today that Geller really never had to worry about Rahim.

“Ms Geller was never in any real danger from Rahim,” said Zimbalist. “To get close enough to cut her head off Rahim would have had to look at her face, and he would have been instantly turned to stone, thus stopping the attack in its tracks.

“For example, the last Islamic State sniper that took aim at Ms Geller was found on a rooftop 300 yards from her home while still holding his 30.06. He had been transformed into a granite statue. I think the plan is to place him on the National Mall so he can serve as a reminder as to what happens when these fucked up kooks try to take out someone as obnoxious as Ms Geller.

No one really knows why Geller’s face has such an extreme effect on people who view her up close, but scientists postulate that the burning hatred she has of anything non-Geller may have something to do with it.


Only last week Omar Abdul Sahib Skyhook was turned into granite while trying to remove Ms Geller’s head with a hatchet during a dinner party in Manhattan.

The phenomenon first came to light in 2007, when her husband Michael Oshry, a used car dealer specializing in organized crime, was found dead in their home. The official story was he had died of a heart attack but anonymous sources told Fox News that he had been turned into an igneous rock formation while taking a shower.

“We’re more concerned with someone using explosives against Ms Geller,” said Zimbalist. “The bitch is just too noxious for anyone to actually get close enough to use any hand-held weapons against her.”

Zimbalist said that more arrests may be made over the holiday weekend, and advised U.S. citizens to exercise “extreme caution” as they go about their business consuming pork products and watching things explode.

Blatter Resigns; Accepts New Position In Russian Mafia


ZURICH – (CT&P) – Obergruppenführer Sepp Blatter resigned his post this morning as FIFA president and has accepted a position within the Bratva, or Russian mafia. Mr. Blatter told reporters that he regretted leaving the corrupt organization he had worked so hard to build, but with the FBI and Swiss authorities closing in, he felt he had no choice.

“I’m very proud of the work I have done at FIFA,” said Blatter. “We took an organization that had a relatively good reputation and over a period of 17 years we managed to turn it into one of the premier criminal enterprises on the planet.”


Putin spoke to reporters while feeding his pet lions behind the former KGB headquarters building.

“I’m leaving FIFA with a clear conscience and a large bank account,” said Blatter, “and I look forward to serving my new employers with the same creativity and enthusiasm I displayed while in charge of soccer’s ruling body.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed delight with the turn of events.

“The imperialist swine from the United States have tried to destroy this innocent man by dragging his good name through the mud of their capitalist pigsties. We welcome him, his aides, and his young Asian sex slaves to Mother Russia. His experience in extortion, larceny, and blackmail will be an invaluable asset as we prepare our glorious stadiums for the 2018 World Cup.”

Nearly all international political and sports pundits are in agreement that Blatter should do quite well inside the Russian Mob as it is so similar to FIFA in almost every respect.


FIFA Payoff Committee Votes To Increase The Minimum Bribe


ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.

FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”


Mikhailov told Swiss television that if the FBI agents did not accept the bribes other methods would be used to change their minds

“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”


“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”

Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.


ISIS Takes Credit For Texas Attack, Income Inequality, Climate Change, And The Continual Disruptions In Mrs. Pearson’s 6th Grade Homeroom Class


SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL,  to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.

During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”


Abu Bakr al-Buttpluggi told reporters outside his cave in Mosul that the United States and Israel will be buried under the weight of middle school class disruptions the likes of which have never been seen. “It will cause the ‘Mother of All Suspensions,'” he said.

“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.

“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”

Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.

Child at school

Little Johnny McDunce, a fourth grader at Dim Bulb Elementary School in Toxic Springs, Kansas, was interrogated by FBI agents after posting detailed plans for an atomic bomb on his Facebook page. “I was only fucking around,” claimed Johnny. Johnny is known to his classmates as the “Spitball Sheik.”

Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.

“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.

When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.

O’Reilly Says Slager Video A Clever Hoax: “I Was There” He Claims


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Last night on The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly claimed that the video purporting to show North Charleston police officer Michael Slager gunning down an unarmed black man was a “clever forgery” created by the “liberal media” in cooperation with the Obama White House. “I know because I was there,” said O’Reilly.


Slager has been described by Chief Driggers as a dedicated and idealistic young cop active in several civic organizations such the KKK and the American Nazi Party. Friends say he spends his spare time playing golf, crushing black infants, and waterboarding illegal Mexican farm workers

The video in question clearly shows Slager firing eight shots at an unarmed and fleeing black man who was later identified as 50-year-old Walter Scott. The video also shows Scott going down after the final shot, Slager approaching him, cuffing his hands behind his back, and later throwing an object down next to the mortally wounded man.

“I watched the entire event from behind a nearby oak tree,” said O’Reilly, “and it just did not happen the way it is depicted in the video.”

“Officer Slager was totally in the right on this shooting. The black man was listening to rap music, ignoring the officer’s commands, and acting disrespectful. Then he turned around and charged the officer, giving Slager no option but to pop him with his nine. I think this is all an attempt by the Obama Justice Department to paint all white cops as bigoted power-mad assholes, just like the liberal media is doing to me. It’s a conspiracy of the highest order.”


O’Reilly told viewers that Slager showed great concern for the condition of the “giant black attacker” and even checked the man’s pulse after calling his wife and asking what was for dinner.

O’Reilly’s account of the incident has been called into question because his housekeeper, cook, butler, and 16-year-old Asian sex slave all told reporters for the New York Times that O’Reilly was staring at himself in the mirror at the time of the shooting, as he does most of the time he is not on the air.

O’Reilly dismissed his employees’ accounts of his whereabouts as being part of a “liberal smear campaign” designed to discredit him. He then threatened to kill them if they said anything else.

Meanwhile, Slager has been charged with murder and the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division has launched an investigation of the shooting. Normally called in to cover up crimes committed by white officers against minority citizens, SLED is being supervised this time by the FBI and other federal agencies.


North Charleston Mayor Keith Summey heard about the shooting while he was cooking his usual lunch of two dozen sausage patties out behind his office.

Mayor Keith Summey and Police Chief Eddie Driggers of North Charleston held a news conference to tell the public that a “full and thorough investigation would be conducted as the result of Slager’s “bad decision.”

“The first thing we need to get to the bottom of is just why it took eight shots to bring down that nigger,” said Summey. “I’m gonna work closely with the Eddie here to reexamine our firearms training program and correct that problem as soon as possible.

“Also, we need to make sure that all our officers understand that when you decide to murder a citizen in cold blood, you need to make damn sure some smart ass ain’t filming it. If there is, the correct procedure is to gun down the photographer and destroy the evidence. That’s just common sense.”


Mayor Summey and Chief Driggers promised a full investigation as soon as their cardiac physicians told them it was OK to go back to work

Slager is currently being held without bond in North Charleston, but he is reported to be working with Fox News and several talk radio personalities to try to turn the tide of public opinion so he can get bail and repair the damage done by the “fabricated” video.

Slager backs up O’Reilly’s version of the story, calling him a “true American hero” and “the greatest broadcaster of all time.”

“Thank God for Fox News and Bill O’Reilly,” he said. “Without them, America would be in smouldering ruins and the rule of law would be a thing of the past.”


Canadian Response To Terrorist Shooting Slowed By Authorities’ Need To Speak Two Languages At The Same Fucking Time


OTTAWA, ONTARIO (CT&P) – A masked gunman killed a soldier standing guard at Canada’s war memorial Wednesday, then stormed Parliament in an attack that was stopped cold when he was shot to death by the ceremonial sergeant-at-arms. Canada’s prime minister called it the country’s second terrorist attack in three days.

Investigators offered little information about the gunman, identified as 32-year-old petty criminal Michael Zehaf-Bibeau. But Prime Minister Stephen Harper said: “In the days to come we will learn about the terrorist and any accomplices he may have had.”

In a televised address to the nation, Canada’s prime minister said Wednesday’s fatal shooting of a Canadian soldier in Ottawa and a hit-and-run that killed another earlier this week are grim reminders that Canada is not immune to terrorism.


Canadian law enforcement authorities insist on addressing suspects in both English and French because so many of the world’s terrorists were born in Paris.

Harper said the two separate attacks will strengthen Canada’s resolve to work to keep Canada safe and work with allies around the world to fight terrorist organizations.

“But let there be no misunderstanding, we will not be intimidated. Canada will never be intimidated,” said Harper.

After the nearly twenty-minute speech, Prime Minister Harper then proceeded to repeat himself word-for-word in French, so no one who lives in Quebec would get their feelings hurt. The repetition turned what would have been an uplifting address to the nation into an almost hour-long marathon of political correctness run amok.

“It’s another example of why the Canadians are so difficult to work with,” said Andrew McCabe, head of the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division. “Every time I call up my counterpart in Ottawa the son of a bitch has to repeat every thing he says to me over the phone in French. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Current head of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson agreed with McCabe, and told reporters that Zehaf-Bibeau could have been apprehended before he got to the parliament building if the cops that were chasing him just shot his ass instead of trying to address him in two different languages.

“We think our friends from north of the border could decrease their response time by half just by dropping this idiotic regulation that law enforcement personnel have to repeat themselves in French every time they address a suspect,” said Johnson.

“I mean how ridiculous is it that you say “HALT! Stop or I’ll shoot!”, then immediately have to say “HALTE! Arrete ou je tire!” said an exasperated Johnson.

“The next thing you know they’ll have to include Arabic so as not to offend the fucking terrorist they are trying to apprehend!”