Fucking F-35 To Be Tested Against A-10 In Ground Attack Scenarios

120614-O-GR159-001

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The Defense Department plans to test the fifth-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter jet against the Cold War-era A-10 attack aircraft in close air support tests, according to multiple news reports.

During a conference last week in Arlington, Virginia, General Jack Ripper, USAF (Ret) an air warfare specialist and conspiracy theorist for the Pentagon’s office of the director of operational test and evaluation said the so-called comparative tests will take place in late 2017 or 2018, according to Politico and Defense Daily.

f-3544

Current plans for the test call for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosive and crashed into the ground in the center of the target area. Regretfully this means losing the pilot, but since the ejection system in the F-35 will not be operational until 2036, the Pentagon feels it has no choice.

The A-10, considered the best ground attack and close air support aircraft ever built, is essentially a flying tank capable of taking out an entire armored column in one pass. It has proved invaluable for vaporizing and dismembering a wide variety of enemies, including 7th century camel jockeys intent on returning the world to the Dark Ages before people knew enough to wash their hands after taking a shit.

 

The Pentagon plans to test the F-35 against the A-10 have been called “ludicrous” by people who actually have the sense God gave a goat.

“The F-35 is a plane that cannot yet fire its cannon, must avoid thunderstorms because electrical disturbances cause the plane to fly upside down, spontaneously combusts when being refueled, and cannot even carry a fucking full bomb load, said Dr. Strangelove, a defense planning expert for the Bland Corporation.

“The F-35 has trouble taking off and landing. How the fuck is it going to destroy anything other than the federal budget?”

 

“It would be like testing a miniature poodle against a Rottweiler for home defense,” said General Buck Turgidson, commander of the 843 Bomb Wing based at Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha.

 

jackdripper

General Ripper said that losing the pilot during these tests will be regrettable, but the Pentagon has to prove that the 1.5 trillion dollar F-35 can destroy something, even if it means destroying itself in the process.

“The F-35 is a pretty plane and all, and no one can deny that it’s fast, especially when it veers out of control and crashes into a stadium filled with soccer fans, but if it comes down to nuclear combat toe-to-toe with the Russkies, give the Warthog any day!”

 

Although the parameters for the upcoming tests have not yet been determined, General Ripper told Politico that current plans are for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosives and after a brief ceremony with a small glass of Jack Daniels, the pilot will be fitted with an Auburn bandanna and told to crash the fucking plane into the ground near the target.

 

“It’s the only way we can score close to the A-10 in these tests,” said General Ripper, as he took a big swig of grain alcohol and rainwater.

New Pentagon Report Indicates F-35 Continues To Suck

120614-O-GR159-001

 

BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE, OMAHA – (CT&P) -The 1.5 trillion-dollar F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to defeat the decades old F-16 in a dogfight, according to a report released last week by the Pentagon.

According to the report, in visual range air-to-air dogfight tests conducted in January between an F-35A and an F-16C, the F-35 was “shot down” by the decades-old F-16 nine out of ten times. In the one instance where the F-35 was victorious it was aided by a flock of geese that flew into the path of the F-16 at a critical moment and collided with it, causing the pilot to eject.

f354

Ground crews have begun drawing straws to see who refuels the F-35 because of its tendency to spontaneously combust on the tarmac.

The F-35, nicknamed ‘The Garbage Scow’ or ‘The Widow Maker’ by test pilots, has been plagued with problems from its inception, but the dogfight analysis offered some of the most depressing news yet to USAF officials.

The report stated that F-16 was able to “fly rings around the new jet” and shoot it down as if it were a Sopwith Camel or other World War I flying machine.

The report even goes into what is akin to a fairly desperate move usually only used in one-on-one air combat maneuvers, known as a rudder reversal, that the F-35 is apparently decent at performing at slow speeds. The fact that this was even detailed in the report as a useful tactic is telling. In reality, using such maneuvers means you are probably going to die if any other bad guys are in the area as it rapidly depletes the aircraft’s energy state, leaving it vulnerable to attack.

And to add insult to injury, the JSF flier discovered he couldn’t even comfortably move his head inside the radar-evading jet’s cramped cockpit. “The helmet was too large for the space inside the canopy to adequately see behind the aircraft.” That allowed the F-16 to sneak up on him.

The F-16 pilot, Major T. J. “King” Kong reportedly told his commanding officer that it was like “shooting fish in a barrel.”

major-kong

Major T.J. “King” Kong said that although the F-35 “sure was purty” it wouldn’t be worth a shit if it had to go “toe to toe with the Russkies.”

“It was just like a turkey shoot back home in Lubbock,” said Major Kong. “I could see that poor feller twistin’ and turnin’ in his seat and bangin’ his head on the canopy just like a coon trapped in a shoebox. It was like going up against Snoopy and his flyin’ doghouse, I tell ya. I mean, it shore is a purty plane and all, but I’ll retire before I have to fly one of those junk heaps!”

USAF General Jack Ripper, who has from the beginning been critical of the trillion-dollar aircraft, told Aviation Week that our only hope is that the Chinese copy the plane down to the last detail.

“It can’t fire its cannon, it has trouble flying right side up, it has a tendency to explode during refueling, it has trouble turning and climbing, it can’t fly near thunderstorms, and it’s computer systems are just as likely to target automobiles on the interstate as enemy aircraft. Hell, even its stealth capabilities have turned out to be a drawback ’cause we can’t find the wreckage when one goes down. It’s a trillion dollar piece of shit!”

Despite all of its troubles the F-35 continues to be a big hit with congressmen in whose districts the plane’s parts are manufactured, and with war hawks intent on bankrupting the country through the military industrial complex.

Each plane will cost over $100 billion and runs about $35,000 per hour to operate. The Pentagon plans on building over 2500 of the abominations.

God help us all.

 

 

 

F-35 Lands Without Bursting Into Flames

f35-main

HURLBURT FIELD – (CT&P) – Officials from Eglin Air Force Base announced today that an F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter landed successfully yesterday without loss of life or destruction of the aircraft.

The F-35 had been participating in a joint operation with the Walton and Bay County sheriff’s departments called “Operation Buzzkill,” a program that provides constant patrols of area beaches to insure that visitors do not have too good a time during their visit to the Gulf Coast.

Rose pigs on Pacific ocean Guatemala beach near Monterico.

Bay County sheriff’s deputies constantly patrol the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” to make damn sure no one has too much fun

“Operation Buzzkill is a forward-looking program that is designed to crush the joy out any young people who think they can come down here and ruin our pristine beaches by smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or God forbid having premarital sex,” said Sheriff Frank “Lard Ass” McKetchup of Bay County.

“We conduct round the clock foot patrols with our few deputies that are not morbidly obese, and the rest of them cruise the strip looking for suspicious activities such as smiling or clowning around. The military takes up the slack with Blackhawk helicopters and jet aircraft armed with miniguns and Hellfire missiles so we can stop trouble before it starts.”

beach33

Beach arrests have plummeted since Operation Buzzkill went into effect mainly because everyone is too fucking scared to go out on the beach

“Buzzkill” has been hailed as a great success by both sheriff’s departments and beach arrests are at an all time low, possibly because everyone is now too terrified to walk outside.

USAF General Buck Turgidson explained that the F-35 in question was one of the first to be used in the program because it is one of the first to be able to fly more than a short distance without malfunctioning and plunging into the sea.

“The original patrol was scheduled for a full hour, but we had to cut the mission short because it was getting warm outside and as we all know F-35’s spontaneously combust when they get too hot,” said the general.

f-3544

General Turgidson told reporters that the successful landing was a watershed moment and marked the first time a F-35 mission was completed without massive loss of life.

“Besides, thunderstorms were forecast on the afternoon in question and electrical activity can cause the computer systems on board the plane to go haywire. When this happens pilots don’t have any idea where the fuck they’re going so they just have to punch out and hope the plane crashes into some inanimate object. So we thought it would be best to abort the mission and try to recover the aircraft and the pilot intact.

“I think the main thing to remember here is that we’ve finally managed to land one of these flying washing machines without losing the pilot or demolishing any nearby apartment buildings. I call this a win-win for the air force and the sheriff’s department!”

 

 

 

Aviation Update: Fucking F-35 Can’t Fucking Run On Fucking Warm Fuel

f353

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – According to sources within the Pentagon, it has been discovered that the vaunted F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to use fuel from standard green colored USAF fuel trucks if they have been sitting in the sun for any period of time, because the fuel is too warm. Considering that these jets will most likely find themselves operating in the desert or in somewhere in the scorching Pacific, this is a big problem.

120614-O-GR159-001

Pentagon officials hope that someday the F-35 will be able to fire its cannon and fly right-side-up.

The F-35 fuel temperature problem is only the latest in a long line of “teething issues” to befall the trillion-dollar machine.

The fighter has had a litany of roll-out problems such as its inability to fire its cannon until sometime in 2018, a tendency for the aircraft to fly upside down, and a propensity for the computer system to completely shutdown at any time for no apparent reason. Some pilots have also reported that communication systems aboard the aircraft automatically tune into easy listening radio stations when the craft is flown near large cities.

Pentagon officials are currently scrambling to come up with a fix for the fuel issue, but in the meantime maintenance crews at various air force bases are being forced to take matters into their own hands.

f354

Ground crews usually draw lots to see who is going to connect the hose to F-35’s because of the plane’s tendency to explode while being fueled.

“We painted the refuelers white to reduce the temperature of fuel being delivered to the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter,” said Senior Airman Jacob Hartman, 56th LRS fuels distribution operator at Luke AFB in Glendale, Arizona. “The F-35 has a fuel temperature threshold and may not function properly if the fuel temperature is too high, so after collaborating with other bases and receiving waiver approval from AETC, we painted the tanks white.”

“It’s a real pain in the butt and unnerving as well,” continued Hartman. “In the unlikely event that any of these flying garbage bins makes it to front-line duty someday, who the hell wants to be driving around in a giant bomb painted bright white? We might as well paint a fucking bull’s eye on the trucks.”

buckchurcheson

General Turgidson told CNN that regardless of whether the F-35’s ever gets off the ground, he thinks they are cool as shit and worth every penny.

Pentagon experts are wary of trying to correct the problem on the aircraft itself, because every time someone fiddles with any of the plane’s systems, something else goes to shit. So different ways of keeping the fuel cool are being bandied about.

When interviewed by CNN, air force General Buck Turgidson, who is in charge of the F-35 program, said that “Right now we’re considering converting a fleet of ice cream trucks into tankers that could service the plane. But in the long run, we think we can convince Congress to build about 2500 giant refrigerated warehouses in ‘hot spots’ all around the globe and park the refueling trucks inside those. It would cost millions of dollars, but hell, those suckers give us every cent we ask for anyway.”

 

 

Death Toll Continues To Rise In Armed Forces Bowl Tragedy

wreckage

FORT WORTH, TEXAS (CT&P) – The death toll topped 4000 this morning as rescuers continued to pull victims from the ruins of the Amon G. Carter Stadium after two Lockheed Martin F-35 jets collided during a halftime flyover. Reuters is reporting that government authorities say that the toll could go much higher in the next few days as more rubble is removed from the south end zone.

stadium2

At first it was feared that the game would have to be rescheduled, but after the aviation fuel burned down to a tolerable level, officials allowed the two teams to continue.

The tragic collision occurred just as three F-35’s were approaching the stadium in a delta formation. The jets were trailing red, white, and blue smoke in a display of patriotism meant to garner public support for the military-industrial complex. Eyewitnesses told the Dallas Morning News that two of the planes were behaving “erratically” just before the crash.

“One plane was jerkin’ side to side and its landing gear were poppin’ up and down faster than a rattlesnake!” said Angus McTurd of Tainted Springs. “It was like it was in some kinda of video game. The plane flying next to it was rearin’ up and down like steer on steroids. Just as they came over the top of the stadium they collided and one of ’em cartwheeled into the south end zone. The other one started burnin’ and crashed over in the colored neighborhood just to the west of the stadium. It was a helluva thing to watch!”

Both pilots managed to punch out of their planes and survived the crash. Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong told reporters that was because “the ejection seats were the only thing on the aircraft that worked worth a shit.”

??????????????????

The F-35 has had a few “glitches” during its development, such as problems turning left and right, gaining altitude, and flying right-side-up.

Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price told KDFW Fox 4 News that she had begged Pentagon officials to use some other type of plane for the flyover, but they insisted on using the F-35 Lightnings, even though they were the only three cleared to fly out of the entire fleet of troubled aircraft.

“I told those idiots we did not want those flying washing machines over our city, much less a stadium packed full of people,” said Price. “Hell, it would have been safer to fly the fucking Hindenburg over the game!”

The trillion dollar F-35 has been plagued with cost overruns, groundings, and embarrassing glitches, such as its inability to fire its cannon until 2019, when the software for the weapon is upgraded. However, this has not dampened the Pentagon’s enthusiasm for the plane and it continues to garner support from senators and representatives from states where the plane’s over 300,000 parts are manufactured.

“It’s a gorgeous plane and we fully believe that some day it will actually be able to fly on a regular basis,” said General Jack Ripper, USAF (Retired). “Every new weapons system is bound to have a few snags or hitches in development, and I don’t think we should condemn an entire program for a single slip up.”

majorkong

Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong seemed confused that everyone was making such a big deal over the crash. “These things are bound to happen every now and then with a new airplane,” said Kong. “It’s just one of the risks we gotta take in order to be prepared for those Commies.”

General Ripper is a lobbyist for Lockheed Martin.

Some cable pundits expressed surprise that the game was allowed to continue after the plane incinerated several thousand fans, but Pentagon officials on the bowl committee insisted that it would be good for the public to get used to these types of incidents, because over 2500 of the flying deathtraps will eventually be in service in the USAF alone.

“Things explode every day,” said General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “If we stopped what we were doing every time something blew up, we’d never get anything accomplished.”

Houston managed to win the game 35-34 over the Pitt Panthers after an incredible comeback in the fourth quarter. Many sports analysts attributed the comeback to the Pittsburgh player’s reluctance to approach the south end zone, which was a sea of fire and twisted wreckage for most of the second half.

The third F-35 Lightning was last seen flying erratically towards the U.S.-Mexico border and remains unaccounted for. Air Force personnel have been unable to raise the aircraft by radio because of a glitch in the F-35 communications systems and stealth safeguards built into the plane are making it very difficult to spot on radar.

 

 

 

 

Cuban Air Force Spad Shoots Down F-35 Over Gulf Of Mexico

spad13_03

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – An F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter has been shot down over the Gulf of Mexico by an ancient Cuban Air Force biplane, according to a U.S. Air Force spokesman. The fighter was on a test flight out of Homestead Air Force Base in Lower Cretonia.

??????????????????

A Pentagon spokesperson told CT&P reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “the F-35 promises to be one kick-ass airplane if we can ever get the thing to fly right-side-up.”

Officials say that the F-35 was having difficulties maintaining level flight, altitude, and direction among other problems. It apparently strayed into Cuban airspace and the Cuban Air Force scrambled a pair of World War I era Spad biplanes to intercept it.

The pilot of the F-35, Benny “Foolhardy” Farris, radioed Homestead that he was “gonna try to get this 135 million dollar piece of shit back into international airspace before all hell breaks loose.”

crash

The F-35 program has experienced a few minor setbacks

buckchurcheson

U.S. Air Force General Buck Churcheson insists that with the proper funding the F-35 will be fully operational by the year 2025

According to radar tracking stations in Miami, Farris did manage to get out of Cuban airspace and back out over the Gulf before the Spads caught up with him. Although the F-35 had a huge speed advantage over the Spads, Farris was forced to fly in lazy circles and take an erratic up and down flight path just to keep the jet in the air, which allowed the slower aircraft to catch up.

As the Spads approached, Farris radioed that he was deploying the giant no más” banner that Lockheed added to the plane’s systems when it became apparent that early production models of the plane were virtually useless in air-to-air combat.

However, the Cuban pilots ignored Farris’ attempt at surrender and blasted the F-35 with Gatling guns purchased as surplus from the British government after the Zulu War of 1879. The stricken plane quickly lost power and plummeted into the sea.

Farris punched out and safely made it to the surface of the Gulf where he was devoured by man-eating sharks already agitated by programming they saw on the Discovery Channel this week.

U.S. Air Force sources have not announced when another test flight will be conducted but it promises to be a wildly entertaining event.

The F-35 program, plagued by cost overruns and multiple groundings, is the most expensive weapons program in history. The GAO estimated the program will cost $12.6 billion a year on average through 2037 — that’s an average of about $1.4 million an hour for the next two and a half decades.

In addition, when asked just who we will be using these jets against, air force generals and politicians alike have so far been unable to come up with a viable enemy.