WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The Defense Department plans to test the fifth-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter jet against the Cold War-era A-10 attack aircraft in close air support tests, according to multiple news reports.
During a conference last week in Arlington, Virginia, General Jack Ripper, USAF (Ret) an air warfare specialist and conspiracy theorist for the Pentagon’s office of the director of operational test and evaluation said the so-called comparative tests will take place in late 2017 or 2018, according to Politico and Defense Daily.
The A-10, considered the best ground attack and close air support aircraft ever built, is essentially a flying tank capable of taking out an entire armored column in one pass. It has proved invaluable for vaporizing and dismembering a wide variety of enemies, including 7th century camel jockeys intent on returning the world to the Dark Ages before people knew enough to wash their hands after taking a shit.
The Pentagon plans to test the F-35 against the A-10 have been called “ludicrous” by people who actually have the sense God gave a goat.
“The F-35 is a plane that cannot yet fire its cannon, must avoid thunderstorms because electrical disturbances cause the plane to fly upside down, spontaneously combusts when being refueled, and cannot even carry a fucking full bomb load, said Dr. Strangelove, a defense planning expert for the Bland Corporation.
“The F-35 has trouble taking off and landing. How the fuck is it going to destroy anything other than the federal budget?”
“It would be like testing a miniature poodle against a Rottweiler for home defense,” said General Buck Turgidson, commander of the 843 Bomb Wing based at Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha.
“The F-35 is a pretty plane and all, and no one can deny that it’s fast, especially when it veers out of control and crashes into a stadium filled with soccer fans, but if it comes down to nuclear combat toe-to-toe with the Russkies, give the Warthog any day!”
Although the parameters for the upcoming tests have not yet been determined, General Ripper told Politico that current plans are for the F-35 to be loaded with high explosives and after a brief ceremony with a small glass of Jack Daniels, the pilot will be fitted with an Auburn bandanna and told to crash the fucking plane into the ground near the target.
“It’s the only way we can score close to the A-10 in these tests,” said General Ripper, as he took a big swig of grain alcohol and rainwater.