Aviation Update: Fucking F-35 Can’t Fucking Run On Fucking Warm Fuel

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – According to sources within the Pentagon, it has been discovered that the vaunted F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to use fuel from standard green colored USAF fuel trucks if they have been sitting in the sun for any period of time, because the fuel is too warm. Considering that these jets will most likely find themselves operating in the desert or in somewhere in the scorching Pacific, this is a big problem.

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Pentagon officials hope that someday the F-35 will be able to fire its cannon and fly right-side-up.

The F-35 fuel temperature problem is only the latest in a long line of “teething issues” to befall the trillion-dollar machine.

The fighter has had a litany of roll-out problems such as its inability to fire its cannon until sometime in 2018, a tendency for the aircraft to fly upside down, and a propensity for the computer system to completely shutdown at any time for no apparent reason. Some pilots have also reported that communication systems aboard the aircraft automatically tune into easy listening radio stations when the craft is flown near large cities.

Pentagon officials are currently scrambling to come up with a fix for the fuel issue, but in the meantime maintenance crews at various air force bases are being forced to take matters into their own hands.

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Ground crews usually draw lots to see who is going to connect the hose to F-35’s because of the plane’s tendency to explode while being fueled.

“We painted the refuelers white to reduce the temperature of fuel being delivered to the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter,” said Senior Airman Jacob Hartman, 56th LRS fuels distribution operator at Luke AFB in Glendale, Arizona. “The F-35 has a fuel temperature threshold and may not function properly if the fuel temperature is too high, so after collaborating with other bases and receiving waiver approval from AETC, we painted the tanks white.”

“It’s a real pain in the butt and unnerving as well,” continued Hartman. “In the unlikely event that any of these flying garbage bins makes it to front-line duty someday, who the hell wants to be driving around in a giant bomb painted bright white? We might as well paint a fucking bull’s eye on the trucks.”

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General Turgidson told CNN that regardless of whether the F-35’s ever gets off the ground, he thinks they are cool as shit and worth every penny.

Pentagon experts are wary of trying to correct the problem on the aircraft itself, because every time someone fiddles with any of the plane’s systems, something else goes to shit. So different ways of keeping the fuel cool are being bandied about.

When interviewed by CNN, air force General Buck Turgidson, who is in charge of the F-35 program, said that “Right now we’re considering converting a fleet of ice cream trucks into tankers that could service the plane. But in the long run, we think we can convince Congress to build about 2500 giant refrigerated warehouses in ‘hot spots’ all around the globe and park the refueling trucks inside those. It would cost millions of dollars, but hell, those suckers give us every cent we ask for anyway.”

 

 

Air Force Mothballs 18 A-10 Ground Attack Aircraft In Favor Of Plane That Can’t Fire Its Fucking Cannon

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WASHINGTON D.C. – (CT&P) – The Air Force announced yesterday that it is placing 18 A-10 Warthogs, the most feared and effective ground attack aircraft ever built, into back-up flying status in order to move the maintenance staff to work on F-35s, a high tech piece of shit that can rarely get off the ground let alone fire its weapons.

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Among the many problems plaguing the F-35 Lightning is the annoying tendency of the plane to fly upside down. The Air Force explained that this is due to a computer glitch and should be corrected around 2029

Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh have decided to move the Warthogs to back-up status “as soon as practical,” according to a notice obtained by POLITICO. That includes nine A-10s from Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Arizona, six from Moody in Georgia and three from Nellis in Nevada.

Secretary James told POLITICO that “We need these maintenance personnel to wash the F-35’s and wax their exteriors so they will look good in photographs taken on the flight line. They rarely fly, but dirt and dust accumulates on the planes and it makes them look filthy, and we can’t have that.”

 The 2015 National Defense Authorization Act blocks the Air Force from retiring the fleet, but gives it the option to put 36 planes into back-up flying status, if the defense secretary certified the move was necessary. Chuck Hagel did so earlier this month as one his final idiotic acts before he left office.

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Air Force officials are not worried about mothballing the A-10 because they have plans to spend five billion dollars on a new British ground attack design

The venerable A-10 has been a workhorse for decades, and has proved to be a reliable and low cost ground attack aircraft that can blow the shit out of just about anything. It proved invaluable in both Gulf Wars, immolating and scattering to atoms innumerable enemy troops and jihadis alike.

The A-10 was designed around the 30 mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon that is its primary armament and the heaviest-ever automatic cannon mounted on an aircraft. It also is able to carry a variety of other ordinance such as the Maverick air-to-suface missile, cluster munitions, Hydra rocket pods, and even laser guided bombs, making it “one bad motherfucker” on the battlefield.

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Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that although the F-35 had its problems, it was a good fit for the military-industrial-idiot politician complex, and guaranteed pork barrel spending for decades to come. He told POLITICO that he hopes F-35 cost overruns won’t interfere with plans to build his pet project, the “Doomsday Machine.”

By comparison, the trillion dollar F-35 has trouble turning left, right, and flying in a straight line. Its computer systems are full of glitches that can cause the plane to fly upside down or fire its weapons without warning. It’s just as likely to target an elementary school as it is a tank or enemy aircraft. Furthermore, the flying washing machine will not be able to fire its cannon for at least five years because the Air Force it waiting on a software upgrade.

Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that while the A-10 was a “great plane,” the F-35 costs “one hell of lot more to produce and maintain,” thus guaranteeing a ton of money flowing into Pentagon coffers for years to come.

“The F-35 Lightning may not be able to fly that well, or shoot down enemy aircraft, or support our ground troops attacking ISIS positions, but it looks cool as shit and costs a lot, and that’s enough for the numb nuts in charge of protecting this great country,” said Turgidson.