El Chapo Offered Immunity In Return For Trump’s Head

SCARFACE, F. Murray Abraham, 1983. (c) Universal Pictures.


MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo” Guzman has been offered blanket immunity from prosecution by the Mexican government if the criminal mastermind is able to bring Donald Trump’s orange head to Mexico City before the Republican Convention begins in July, according to an article to be published next week in the German magazine Der Spiegal.

According to the article, the offer was made after extensive negotiations between the Mexican government and shadowy Republican establishment figures who traveled to Mexico after the results of the Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses became clear.

The talks were brokered by former president of Mexico Vicente Fox at an exclusive resort on Mexico’s west coast.

Gerhard Merwerdichliebe, author of the article, told CNN that Fox, along with high-ranking members of the GOP, were the driving forces behind the deal.

“President Fox reached out to friends in the GOP establishment early last month after becoming completely fed up with Trump’s plans to build a wall along America’s southern border,” said Merwerdichliebe. “His appeals fell on receptive ears and the rest is history.”

When reached by phone for comment, former president Fox told CNN that he knew nothing about any plans regarding the murder and dismemberment of the GOP front-runner.

“I never like him,” said Fox, as he was counting out tall stacks of hundred-dollar bills. “But I don’t know nothing about no plans to chop off that cock-a-roach’s head, place it in a bowling ball bag, and bring it to a restaurant in Mexico City before noon on July 18th.

“Fuck the Tea Party, fuck Donald Trump, fuck that fucking wall, and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” said Fox as he ended the phone interview.

El Chapo Surrenders In Time For The Iowa Caucuses



MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”

El Chapo Announces For President; Joins Already Crowded GOP Field


MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – El Chapo Guzman, Mexican radio personality and part-time cartel leader, paused during his escape yesterday to announce that he was throwing his cap in the ring for president of the United States.

Guzman embarrassed Mexican authorities on Sunday by slipping into a shaft through the shower floor of his prison cell and escaping through a mile-long, ventilated tunnel outfitted with a motorbike.

Guzman paused at the end of the tunnel long enough to tell reporters that he was joining the presidential race in the U.S. because he felt that someone needed to do something about the millions of illegal immigrants pouring over the border into America each year. He also hopes that he will be able to facilitate trade “of all sorts” between the United States and his native Mexico.


In less than 24 hours Guzman has raised more cash than any of his rivals in the GOP field. “He’s definitely got the Benjamins to make this a real horse race,” said Charles Krauthammer.

“I’ve been worried about the problem of illegal immigration for many years,” said El Chapo, as he calmly executed members of his tunneling staff because they failed to air condition the escape shaft. “The failure of Congress to come up with a comprehensive immigration bill is an embarrassment to both parties, and something has to be done.”

Guzman’s entry into the race on the Republican side has raised some eyebrows with law enforcement but most Republican pundits around the country see it as a positive development.

Charles Krauthammer told Fox News viewers that “Guzman’s entry into the race will be a positive thing for the party. His outstanding organizational skills and determination to get things done, even when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, will serve him well. I also think that his generosity towards the poor will soften the face of the GOP, which as we all know suffers from a lack of empathy for anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year.”


Guzman campaign posters are already going up all over the country. They are designed to appeal to America’s oppressed minorities as well as members of the NRA.

Former U.S. drug enforcement officials said they had feared Guzman would quickly retake control of the Sinaloa cartel, which reaches deep into the United States and far around the world. They were relieved to hear that he will only be joining the current bunch of crooks currently running for president.

Barry McCaffrey, former director of the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy and an NBC News analyst, said Guzman would probably not leave Mexico unless he wins the nomination.

“He’s safest there,” McCaffrey said on Today. “I mean, entire police departments have been bought, along with hotel and casino chains formerly owned by Donald Trump. I think he’ll hang tight until his poll numbers rise.”

The entire Mexican army and federal police force, as well as numerous local agencies, are currently searching for Guzman. Officially his whereabouts remain unknown despite the fact that he was seen having coffee at the Ritz Carlton Mexico City this morning with General Antonio “Montana” Hernandez.