Satan To Kickoff Tour Of Southeast With Visit To SeaWorld

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.

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Satan decided to open his tour at SeaWorld because it represents so much that he adores about human beings.

“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”

According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.

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Journalists dread Satanic news conferences because they are obliged to tread water the entire time Balthazar is speaking

The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.

 

Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending  a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.

 

Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.

Roy Moore, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court

Mephistopheles will wind up his tour of the Southeast with a visit to his good friend and follower Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. “He is one of His Majesty’s favorites,” said Balthazar. “No one can twist God’s word to suit his own hatred better than Roy! He really makes Christians look awful. We love him!”

 

Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.

Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.

“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”

Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.

“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

Duck Dynasty’s Willie Robertson Defends Patriarch: ‘Ignorance is not a choice-he was born that way’

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At an emotional press conference early Saturday morning, Willie Robertson of the hit show ‘Duck Dynasty’, defended Phil Robertson, patriarch of the weird and dysfunctional family made famous on A&E. The elder Robertson and A&E have come under attack for comments he made in an interview with GQ.

In an apparent attempt to gain the coveted position of ‘most bigoted and ignorant’ television superstar, the elder Robertson compared homosexuality to bestiality and said that black folks were happier before the civil rights movement. But those comments are the tip of the iceberg. His interview with GQ has to be read to be believed. You’ll think you’ve suddenly been transported back in time to 14th century Europe.

For his part, Willie Robertson tried to play down the comments. “Look, Phil was just stating his opinion and sometimes he gets a little out of hand,” said Robertson. “Please don’t judge him too harshly and keep in mind he was born that way. He didn’t choose this lifestyle. I mean, who would actually choose to be an ignorant, bigoted, bible-thumping, homophobic redneck obsessed with murdering innocent water fowl?”

Robertson refused to take questions from reporters and ended the press conference abruptly by saying “It’s been real guys but today is Saturday and I have a very strong urge to dress up like a soldier and go out and kill some animal.”

The future of the hit television show is uncertain. Phil Robertson is suspended and other cast members are threatening not to go on without him. A&E does not seem too worried about it. In a statement late Friday a spokesperson said, “If we lose the program we lose it. That  show’s particular demographic is so ignorant and gullible that I’m sure we can come up with something else for them to watch that is equally abhorrent.”