Country Founded On Christian Principles Rejects Widows And Orphans



WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.

The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.

“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.


Jeb Bush has proposed the formation of a new federal agency headed by Dick Cheney that would hang refugees by their thumbs until they admitted they didn’t love Jesus.

“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”

Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.

“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.

“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”

The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.

When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.

President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.


Judith Miller To Join Vladimir Putin’s Staff In Fall


MOSCOW -(CT&P) – A Kremlin spokesman has announced that former New York Times journalist and propaganda specialist for the Bush Administration Judith Miller will be joining Vladimir Putin’s staff in early fall. Miller’s job will be to justify in print Russia’s aggressive incursions into foreign countries and the seizure of large swathes of territory formerly belonging to Ukraine.

The spokesman told members of the Russian press, who were forced to attend “on pain of torture,” that Miller will also be tasked with writing flowery articles about the love felt for the Russian people by citizens of Chechnya, the former Soviet satellite states of Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia, and the Balkans.


President Putin was unavailable for comment on the appointment as he was personally patrolling the Sino-Russian border

“We felt that Ms Miller’s experience in convincing an entire population to go to war for no apparent reason would really serve us well in the years to come,” said the spokesman. “She’ll be invaluable to us as we seek to justify land grabs and the suppression of minorities as we expand our territory and influence around the globe.”

Miller, who was in Novosibirsk at the time attending “re-education and indoctrination” courses at the University of Siberia, told reporters from TASS that she was “overjoyed” to be able to get a job as journalist again.

“I’m too happy for words,” said Miller. “I can’t wait to serve the people of Russia and President Putin. I have always been in awe of your president and his ability to always make the correct decision in any and all situations. He’s always been one of my heroes, and he’s sexy as hell too!”

Miller will be working in the Propaganda Ministry and will have direct access to the president and his aides, who will be censoring her work on a daily basis. Her official position will be that of ‘Right Wing Lackey,’ a job title she should be quite used to by now.

Dick Cheney Comes Out As Transhuman: ‘I am a demon’

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an hour-long interview with Diane Sawyer televised back to back with her two-hour special last night with Bruce Jenner, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that he was a “demon from hell” trapped inside a human body.

Cheney really opened up during the interview, and at times even dropped his human guise to reveal his true nature. In a symbolic moment at the start of his interview, Cheney admitted “Yes Diane, for all intents and purposes, I am a fiend spawned in the fires of Hell.”


On several occasions during the interview Cheney dropped his human guise and let the public see his true nature.

For the Satan-worshiping community, the moment was almost as significant as when Hitler was elected president of Germany in 1934. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), widely believed to be the Antichrist, tweeted his support of Cheney, saying “I’m so proud of Dick. It’s high time  one of us came clean with the American people and let them know who we truly represent. He’s setting an example for Republicans everywhere.”

“My whole life has been getting me ready for this,” said Cheney, from my leadership and support of vile and evil oil companies who pollute the earth and are leading us headlong into planetary disaster, to my time as vice president where I lied my ass off and started a catastrophic war in Iraq.”

Cheney said he self-identifies as “Legion,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “demon” and “fiend,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the Satanic community, which believes that Satan worshipers and demons should be referred to by the terms with which they choose to identify.


Cheney told Sawyer that he met with Satan in the in Oval Office whenever President Bush was out-of-town wreaking havoc at international summits.

“I’m just tired of living a lie,” said Cheney. “When our gracious Lord Lucifer generously ripped the heart out of another human so I could continue my mission on earth, I made the decision to ‘come out’ and let everyone know that I am a servant of the Prince of Darkness, humanity’s true Savior.”

Cheney told Sawyer that he plans on continuing his mission; supporting the torture and humiliation of human beings, the destruction of the environment, and encouraging useless and expensive wars all over the globe. He feels that even though he no longer holds office, he can be of service to other minions of Satan currently serving in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives.

“The Republican Party still needs my help,” said Cheney. “There are countries all over the globe that we haven’t had a chance to bomb yet.”

Sawyer’s next special is scheduled for late summer, when she will do a five-hour marathon interview with Bill Cosby, in which he is expected to “come out” as a demonic incubus sent from Mephistopheles to have sex with sleeping women.


You Can’t Get Rid Of The Babadook

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

If it’s in a word, or if it’s in a book
you can’t get rid of the Babadook.
His skin is white, his soul is black,
he wants to put you in a sack.
A rumble-rumble then dook-dook-dook!
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
He lies and cheats, invades Iraq
he talks of peace but then attacks
Hate and war is what he likes,
so he can torture with his spikes,
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
He’s lurking there behind the curtain,
pulling strings for Halliburton
There he is, old and gaunt,
cash and oil is what he wants
A rumble-rumble then dook-dook-dook
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
His heart will stop, you’ll think he’s dead,
but up will rear his ugly head
Hate he’ll spew and war he’ll make
you better run for goodness sake
You can’t get rid of the Babadook…
So close your eyes and count to ten,
and pray to God you don’t wake again,
‘Cause if it’s in a word or in a book,
You can’t get rid of the Babadook.


Satan Confirms Dick Cheney’s Reservation In Hell

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

THE RIVER STYX, HELL (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, confirmed that Dick Cheney, former vice president of the United States and giant bipedal penis, will be spending eternity roasting in the fires of Hell.


Mr. Cheney has already extended his life on earth once, agreeing to trade his black soul for a healthy heart. Lord Balthazar assured reporters that this will not happen again.

“I just wanted to make it clear to the American public that this asshole will not get away with his crimes against humanity,” said Satan. “I am well aware that the entire free world wants to put this bastard on trial for his crimes along with a host of other government employees including CIA officers who carried out war crimes in the name of revenge and some sort of perverse ‘justice.’ However, we all know that the current administration lacks the testicles to do so,” said the Prince of Darkness.

“I however, have no such qualms. Mr. Cheney will be receiving hourly refreshment via his rectum in the not too distant future, and that’s just the start of the fun for this dirty, filthy, lying son of a bitch.”

The Devil was not specific as to when Mr. Cheney will assume room temperature and begin his infinitely long sentence, but Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told journalists that we should not have to wait very long, as His Majesty will not be making any more deals with Cheney for new heart muscles ripped from the innocent in order to prolong his miserable life.


The Prince of Darkness wanted to assure all Americans and citizens of earth that he would soon be “getting medieval” on Cheney’s pompous ass.

Lord Balthazar also said that many of the CIA’s apologists like Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) better see the light and pray for forgiveness or they will soon be in the same boat with Mr. Cheney.

Lord Balthazar said that Mephistopheles had instructed Charon to charter an extra-large boat from Carnival Cruise lines so that no one would be left out of the upcoming crossing into the depths of Hell.

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”


The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.


Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”