RNC Warns Candidates “Don’t Drink The Water” While In Michigan

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DETROIT – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that an emergency RNC memo has been circulated to all the Republican candidates participating in tonight’s debate in Detroit. The memo purportedly warns the candidates and their staffs against drinking any tap water during their visit to Michigan.

“We wanted to warn all the campaigns about the dangers of drinking water processed anywhere within the State of Michigan,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “The fiasco in Flint has been well documented, but what people may not know is that Tea Bagging bastard Snyder has wreaked havoc all over Michigan. He’s an environmentalist’s nightmare.

“We’re mainly concerned about Trump and Rubio. Those two dummies can ill afford to lose any more brain cells. Kasich already knows better, and we’re led to understand that Cruz only drinks human blood.”

The report from the AP has raised eyebrows with pundits across the country, particularly since only last week all the Republican candidates for president signed a pledge to abolish the EPA, repeal the Clean Water Act, loosen restrictions on the dumping of carcinogens and radioactive waste into rivers and streams, and to generally screw poor people whenever they get the chance.

 

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

 

 

CNN Uses Affirmative Action To Include Fiorina In Debate

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) –CNN is amending the criteria for its Republican presidential debate in September, opening the door for Carly Fiorina to join the other top-tier candidates on the stage.

The cause: a lack of national public polling following the August 6 debate has so far provided only three new polls to determine the lineup for the Reagan Presidential Debate, according to a  CNN statement. CNN also expressed the desire to place Fiorina on stage “because she is a woman and women deserve an equal chance to look stupid on national television, just like the men.”

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It’s hoped that the second debate will force the cream to rise to the top of the crowded Republican field.

As a result, CNN reevaluated its criteria and decided to add a provision that better reflects the state of the race since the first Republican presidential debate in August, the network announced Tuesday.

Now, any candidate who ranks in the top 10 in polling between August 7 and September 10 will be included.

The adjustment may result in additional candidates joining the top-tier debate, but the final podium placements will not be known until the eligibility window closes on September 10.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who was named after a rare urinary tract disorder, called a press conference and said the GOP was pleased with the decision.

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Although Fiorina has entertained running for veep on a Trump-Fiorina ticket, pundits hope that she will still give the cretinous bigot hell on stage.

“We are delighted that Carly will be given the opportunity to look like an idiot along with all the other clowns we have running in 2016,” said Priebus.

“Now we have a real businesswoman in the mix who knows how to fire thousands of people and wreck a tech company while at the same time negotiating a golden parachute for herself. She really knows how to exploit and deceive the weak, and that’s always a plus with a Republican candidate.

“I think she’ll make an excellent addition to our group of religious kooks, conspiracy theorists, doofuses, and power mad megalomaniacs that are currently leading the field.”

The debate will air in prime time on CNN on September 16th.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Temporarily Misplaces His Mind

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Governor of Cretonia and part-time Aztec snake god Rick Scott temporarily lost his mind Wednesday night during a debate with challenger Charlie Crist. Scott’s irrational and confused state apparently stemmed from an argument over a fan that Crist had placed at his feet in order to keep him cool during the proceedings.

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Scott is widely believed to be a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god

The debate was delayed for around seven minutes while organizers tried to convince Scott to take the stage and much of the audience cat-called and booed the Governor.

“Scott stomped his foot repeatedly and refused to come on stage for what seemed like an eternity,” said Patty Pollywog, one of the debate’s organizers. “Scott called the fan ‘an electric talisman,’ that could be used to coach Crist. He told us he had heard voices emanating from the fan during previous debates and said that ‘contact with the Great Beyond was strictly forbidden during political appearances.'”

“We finally convinced him to carry on after explaining to him that the fan only evened the odds. Everyone knows that Crist, being a mammal, needed to stay cool under the hot klieg lights on stage, whereas a cold-blooded reptile like Scott would naturally warm up and become more alert and active with the heat.”

Scott finally relented under pressure and the debate went on as planned.

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Governor Scott told a horrified audience that the human sacrifices could be combined with appearances by popular musicians such as Kenny G in order to draw more tourists to the state

Scott seemed to be holding his own until late in the debate when he advocated offering human sacrifices to the sun in order to make sure it rose every day over Florida’s beautiful beaches. He told the audience that an almost endless supply of victims could be found within Florida’s ridiculously overcrowded prison system.

“It would be a real honor for those folks, and they would finally serve some purpose in society and be guaranteed revered status in the Underworld after what would be a particularly savage and painful death,” said Scott.

Scott explained that he was sure that there would be no shortage of law enforcement personnel willing to serve as priests and a series of giant pyramids or ziggurats could be built up and down the coast of Florida where the unfortunate prisoners could have their organs removed on a daily basis.

“Think of the tourist trade,” said Scott. “We would be flooded with visitors from all over the world, and the amount of money we would save not having to house and feed non-violent offenders would be enormous!”

Florida Gov. Crist Visits NOAA's Hurricane Center

Crist, a member of the Boehneris orangicus family of mammals, was crowned winner of Wednesday night’s debate by most pundits

Scott went on to explain that the savings would be used to set up a trust fund that would be used to teach remedial English, math, and science courses to probation officers and other under-educated citizens of Florida.

“It would be a win-win proposition for everyone in the state,” concluded Scott, whose scales had begun to luminesce an unearthly green.

Thankfully at that point aides dragged the glowing Scott offstage and cooled him off with a mobile refrigeration unit kept on hand for that very purpose.

Pundits have generally given Crist the victory in the debate, although some of his ideas such as providing free tanning salons to the state’s less fortunate citizens did raise some eyebrows.