Creation Museum Unveils New Exhibit

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.

The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.

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Another creationist archeological team in Italy is confident that it will soon unearth the economy rental that St. Paul drove to Rome.

According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.

Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.

“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.

“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops  or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”

The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.

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Although Ham was disappointed that he was unable to pull the wool over the eyes of Kentucky politicians and claim tax exempt status for his ridiculous Noah’s Ark project, construction continues apace.

“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”

In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.

Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.

“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.

 

Creepy Creationist Ken Ham Admits To Lifelong Goat Fetish

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Creationist huckster and miscreant Ken Ham went off the rails again last week when he attacked the oversexed and apparently perpetually horny Miley Cyrus in a rambling, nearly incoherent essay on his blog, which is read by at least two or three dozen fellow fruitcakes.

Ham, an ignorant twit who would have been much more comfortable living in the Middle Ages, used Bible verses and sixth grade debate tactics in an attempt to criticize Cyrus’ sexual preferences and refusal to believe fairy tales from an ancient text written by people who thought thunderstorms were a form of punishment from God.

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Ham, who fleeces thousands of ignorant Bible-thumping dunderheads each year at his absurd Creation Museum, has become more and more irrational since his kooky Ark project failed to gain tax exempt status.

The unbalanced charlatan, who actually believes the earth is around 6,000 years old, seemed particularly interested in Cyrus’ lack of desire to have sex with animals or participate in pedophilia.

“Why not involve an animal?” Ham told the Reverend Billy Buttocks during an interview on the Jesus Channel. “On what basis does she decide that? Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals?”

Then Ham made a startling confession.

“We are all born with a strong desire to  fuck animals,” said Ham. “It’s the way God made us. Every person on earth wants to have sex with furry four-legged creatures, and the only thing that holds us back are the rules set forth in the our Holy Book. I know I have to read my Bible every morning to remind myself how important it is not to go outside my office and copulate with one of the  ungulates that we keep here at the Creation Museum Petting Zoo.”

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Ham, seen here feeling up a Velociraptor, has apparently been obsessed with bestiality since he was a small child in Australia, where he was suspected of having sex with an entire pack of dingos when he was 12 years old.

“Sometimes I wake up all sweaty and aroused after dreaming of taking Snowball or Squealer out behind the maintenance shed and fucking their brains out,” said Ham, as his eyes rolled back in his head.

The revelation that Ham is sexually attracted to a variety of species of which he is not a member was shocking enough, but he then went on to admit that he was a secret pedophile.

“Why have sex with only those over the age of 18? On what basis does Cyrus decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Well I’ll tell you why! It’s because of the rules and regulations set forth in this dusty book written before mankind knew what the fuck electricity was! It’s the only thing that keeps us in line, I tell you. Without the Bible, we would just be savages running around fucking everything from Coke bottles to tapirs!”

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Architects designing Ham’s lunatic Ark project were shocked by his demands that they design a “love room” to hold goats in place while Ham had his way with them. “We’ll have to stay on board til the waters subside, and it’s going to get awfully lonely,” said Ham.

Although most Americans were shocked by Ham’s confessions, Fox News numbskull Sean Hannity was quick to come to his defense, citing Kentucky’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which encourages all sorts of abominations as long as they are done in the name of God.

However, coworkers and close friends of Ham were not surprised by his statements.

“Why the hell do you think we keep such a close eye on kids when they tour this place?” said an aide to Ham.

The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the last employee to speak publicly about Ham’s psychological problems was crucified on the $3 million “Calvary Kiddie Ride.”

“Ken has always been one weird son of a bitch,” said the aide. “He is constantly staring longingly at the pens holding our sheep and cows, but his favorites are those young attractive goats. He says their eyes are the gateway to Heaven, or some such bullshit.

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Sadly, the animals around the Creation Museum’s petting zoo have come to know Ham all too well and will do just about anything to avoid the horny bastard.

“You have to remember that Ken was deported from Australia because authorities there perceived him as threat to wildlife, children, and critical thought,” continued the aide. “He tried to move to western Europe, but as it turns out the only country that would have him was the United States. He’s really found a home with these suckers in the Bible Belt, let me tell you.”

Although authorities in Boone County where Ham’s God-O-Rama theme park is located have heard weird stories coming from behind the walls of the  “Koresh Compound” as they call it, no charges have been filed against Ham or his employees up to this point.

“We look the other way when it comes to animals,” said Sheriff Billy Bob McSneed, “after all, that’s part of growin’ up around here, but we damn sure draw the line when it comes to little kids. I can’t arrest the kook for thinking about buggering those children, but if he lays a hand on them, he’s gonna see some Kentucky straight justice in a hurry. Prayin’ won’t do a damn bit a good.”

 

 

 

Yoga Instructor Admits To Being Servant Of Satan

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WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy of Dunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.

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The Right Reverend Anus McGregor taught the seminar at CPAC while handling a variety of venomous reptiles. He compared the snakes to bureaucrats in the Department of Education

The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.

McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.

“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”

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Yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower lured unsuspecting students into her class by offering free instruction. All the while she was attempting to snatch their souls for the Beelzebub

Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.

The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.

Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.

“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”

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Next year CPAC will be held at creepy Ken Ham’s Creation Museum, a place where reason takes a backseat to religious superstition. The CPAC attendees should feel right at home

Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.

“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.

“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.

CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”

 

 

 

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

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President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

Creepy “Answers In Genesis” President Ken Ham Arrested At Denali National Park

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Ham, originally from Australia, is living proof of the dangers of legal immigration

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Huckster and insane person Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis and Creation Museum fame, was arrested yesterday just outside Denali National Park. Ham was charged with indecent exposure and attempted destruction of public property. He is currently being held in an Anchorage detention facility while he awaits a psychiatric examination ordered by a circuit court judge.

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Ham is famous for wacked-out ideas, like the concept that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth together.

Ham was apprehended while trying to escape after attempting to add his own footprints to dinosaur fossils found within the boundary of the park. The site, described as a “world-class” dinosaur track site shows that herds of duck-billed dinosaurs thrived under the midnight sun.

“We had mom, dad, big brother, big sister and little babies all running around together,” said paleontologist Anthony Fiorillo, who is studying the dinosaur tracks. “As I like to tell the park, Denali was a family destination for millions of years, and now we’ve got the fossil evidence for it.”

The discovery adds to Fiorillo’s growing conviction that dinosaurs lived at polar latitudes year-round during the Late Cretaceous Period, about 70 million years ago.”Even back then the high latitudes were biologically productive and could support big herds of pretty big animals,” said Fiorillo, curator of earth sciences at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas.

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One of the most popular exhibits at the Creation Museum is the “Messiahraptor” ride, which features a slightly confused Christ figure cruising around a wooded area on the back of a T-Rex.

“This is definitely one of the great track sites of the world. We were so happy to find it,” Fiorillo said.

The muddy ground is so rumpled by footprints that the researchers were hard-pressed to pull out tracks from individual hadrosaurs. Instead, they counted each print and grouped them by size. The results were published June 30 in the journal Geology.

Ham, who has for years championed the ludicrous idea that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that men walked among the dinosaurs, was apparently either trying to destroy the fossils or add his own footprints to the fossil find.

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Ham first developed his disturbing theories during early puberty when he became obsessed with Raquel Welch after viewing One Million Years B.C. He still thinks the movie is “one of the best documentaries of all time.”

“We found him running around barefoot wearing a Speedo and a t-shirt that read, ‘God Hates Paleontologists,’ said Fiorillo. “At first we thought he was a drunken tourist or an escapee from a mental institution. However, one of my assistants from Kentucky recognized him and said, ‘Holy shit! That’s the moron the runs that stupid Creation Museum.’ That’s when we knew we had a potentially dangerous cretin on our hands. We immediately called the park police.”

Ham was apprehended about an hour later trying to exit the park on a unicycle, which he learned to ride as a child while performing in his parents’ traveling carnival and snake oil emporium.

Park police reported that Ham kept shouting “Darwin was wrong!” and “Fossils are the handiwork of Satan” as he was taken into custody.

Originally from Queensland, Australia, Ham has become the poster child for intelligent arguments against immigration. Many groups have advocated a thorough psychological screening and IQ testing before anyone is granted citizenship.

Ham will be handed over to federal authorities to await trial. He is thought to be too much of a danger to the mentally deficient in this country to be granted bail.

 

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

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ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

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The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”