CPAC Rejects Trickle-Down Theory of Sexuality

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WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.

On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.

The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.

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Mr. Schlapp told reporters that Mr. Yiannapoulos’ views regarding sex with minors were unacceptable, at least when they were voiced in public. Schlapp said that CPAC would seek a replacement speaker who was more in line with mainstream conservative values.

“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.

“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.

“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”

Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.

As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.

 

 

Yoga Instructor Admits To Being Servant Of Satan

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WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy of Dunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.

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The Right Reverend Anus McGregor taught the seminar at CPAC while handling a variety of venomous reptiles. He compared the snakes to bureaucrats in the Department of Education

The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.

McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.

“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”

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Yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower lured unsuspecting students into her class by offering free instruction. All the while she was attempting to snatch their souls for the Beelzebub

Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.

The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.

Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.

“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”

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Next year CPAC will be held at creepy Ken Ham’s Creation Museum, a place where reason takes a backseat to religious superstition. The CPAC attendees should feel right at home

Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.

“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.

“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.

CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”

 

 

 

Arizona Lawmakers Propose Anschluss With Like-Minded Regions Within The U.S.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.-While attending the annual reactionary conservative love-fest known as “CPAC” this week, lawmakers from Arizona, Oklahoma, Missouri, and several “Bible Belt” states are meeting in private to discuss the possibility of seceding from the Union and forming a “New Confederacy.” Many up-and-coming right-wing state officials are expected to attend.

The representatives from the various states are said to be alarmed and disgusted by the societal evolution that continues to occur apace despite their best efforts to return to the Middle Ages. Most of the delegates point to the dangerous ideas of personal liberty, freedom, and equality spawned by the Enlightenment in the 17th and 18th centuries as being the root cause of all that is going wrong in America.

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The state officials involved in the plan expect overwhelming support from the general public in most regions.

The proposed plan, hatched by State Senator Joe Imbecile (R), from Puerile, Arizona and State Representative Frank Encephalitis (R), from Syphilis Springs, Oklahoma has gained momentum in recent weeks. Senator Imbecile held a brief press conference this morning before going into his first meeting. He said that people across the country felt that a crescendo of doom was building from which there would be no escape. “First we gave women the vote, then it was equal treatment under the law for negras, then the Federal Government tried to take away our crew-served machine guns and bazookas. Now they are trying to shove affordable health care and gay marriage down our throats. Next thing you know people will be having sex with porcupines on the town square!”

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Expert historians will advise the delegates from the southern states on how best to return to the “golden age” where all was right with the world

Senator Imbecile briefly outlined a proposal in which like-minded regions, mostly in the south and southwest, would secede and join together to form the “Neo Confederacy.” The regions would be formed into new states and would have independent governments, which would allow each particular region to be its own small laboratory of bigotry and oppression. The states would be overseen by a weak federal government which would only come into play if the states came under threat from the outside. Although most delegates consider any form of federal government to be the very embodiment of evil, it was felt that the threat of progress, reason, and personal liberty seeping in from more enlightened states on the border was just too great to ignore. The skeletal federal government of the new nation would only be there to protect the fledgling states and enforce some basic laws common to them all. These would include but not be limited to: denial of civil rights to all minorities, the mandatory ownership of automatic weapons from the age of twelve, the immediate expulsion or execution of all homosexuals, strict adherence to the Ten Commandments (in public), and the return of women to their correct Biblical role in society, that of mother and housekeeper. Abortion of any type would of course be outlawed in the new nation.

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Former Republican Congressman from Florida Trey “I has it close by” Radel will provide party favors for the right-wing luminaries

When asked about the size and scope of the new federal system, Senator Imbecile evaded the question and preferred instead to emphasize the glorious diversity that the new plan would foster. “Some states, like Arizona for example, might want to concentrate on abusing and running off gays and Mexicans,” said Imbecile. “Others may want to strip black folks of the right to vote, and still others might want to emphasize that women have no legal right to use so-called “marital aids,” which of course makes us guys real insecure. I know for example that Senator Scrotum from Toxic Cove, Florida wants to make sure his constituents can still gun down minorities on a whim. So as you can clearly see, we are a very diverse group of people with diverse backgrounds and interests. What ties us all together is a deep and abiding bigotry, tribalism and hatred of all change.”

Most of the meetings will be held in nearby Colonial Williamsburg so the delegates can revel in the past and all its glories. However, some of the events will take place at a new facility; Archaic and Outdated Ideas Theme Park and Resort located in Chlamydia Hollow, Maryland. “We wanted to make sure everyone felt at home and relaxed as we discussed plans for the future,” said Senator Billy Bob Buttplug of Festering Swamp, South Carolina, entertainment director for the convention.

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Any delegate who contributes $500 to the “Build A Fence” Foundation will get a ride in a replica of the infamous Nazi ground-attack aircraft, the Stuka. For another $250, the pilot will simulate bombing and strafing a Muslim wedding procession!

The keynote speaker for the convention will be historical revisionist and insane person Glenn Beck. The meetings begin today and a kickoff party is scheduled for tonight featuring a gala book burning of subversive literature such as The Catcher in the Rye, On the Origin of Species, and Animal Farm. The servers for the various banquets that are scheduled during the week will be intensely screened to prevent any homosexual deviants from infiltrating the convention. No alcoholic beverages will be served at any of the public gatherings. However, liquor, prostitutes, illegal drugs and contraceptives will be provided free of charge to all attendees in private hotel suites away from the prying eyes of journalists and photographers.

Televangelists will be available to provide advice to the younger delegates on how to justify their “sinful” activity without harboring any guilt. The more experienced politicians will conduct seminars on how to lie to the media and spouses regarding various perversions and the use of illegal drugs.