DeKalb County To Overhaul Burglary Squad

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – After the latest in a string of fiascos perpetrated by the DeKalb County Burglary Response Unit, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation has recommended that the unit be completely revamped and manned with new personnel who are actually able to differentiate their asses from holes in the ground.

The decision was made to reorganize the unit after three officers decided to storm a dwelling near downtown Atlanta on Monday like members of Seal Team 6 attacking an Afghan village.

Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials said DeKalb County Police Department received a report of a suspicious person Monday night in a southeast Atlanta neighborhood where many of the single-story homes look similar.

“All the houses down there have roofs and front doors,” said Lieutenant Martin Chowderhead of DeKalb County’s Ass Covering Unit. “It can be very confusing.”

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This is not the first time the Burglary Squad has caused a stir. In April the team plowed into a group of schoolchildren on a field trip to Fernbank Science Center while pursuing a woman who had stolen a water pistol from a toy store. Seven kids were killed and a dozen more seriously injured.

Three officers arrived at the residence and attempted to contact any occupants in the home. When no contact was made, the officers went to the back of the home and gained entry to it through a screened porch. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation said police went through a “reportedly unlocked door.”

Upon entry, the officers encountered a dog.

Following their training as police officers, the two officers fired without hesitation at the approach of a living mammal. No thought was given that a burglarized home would probably not contain a fucking live barking dog. The animal was killed almost instantly in hail of gunfire, but the cops’ blood lust was not quite quenched.

When the owner of the home appeared to find out who had murdered his family pet, the officers let fly with another volley, shooting the innocent man in the leg and wounding one of their own in the abdomen.

In a statement, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation said, “Early investigation indicates that the injured officer was likely shot accidentally by one of the other officers on the scene, who were firing wildly at anything that fucking moved.”

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The squad has over time garnered the reputation of a group of dolts who often inadvertently kills those whom it is charged to protect. “I’d rather be captured by the Taliban than be rescued by the Burglary Squad,” said DeKalb County resident Morris Goldblatt. “It’d be much safer.”

The injured officer, who was taken to the hospital, is in “serious but stable condition,” said Steven Fore, a DeKalb County Police spokesman. The officer “lost a lot of blood” Monday, but will likely survive to be awarded the DeKalb County Medal of Valor for Courage in the Face of Unarmed Civilians, said Cedric Alexander, DeKalb County’s public safety director.

However, GBI spokesman Scott Dutton said it was too early in the investigation to determine exactly who fired the gunshots. Dutton said he did not know whether anyone in the home was armed beside the police officers, and just because no firearms were found in the home or within a one mile radius of the site that did not mean that some crafty undocumented worker from Mexico or even a space alien could have been involved.

GBI officials said there is no evidence the residents had committed any crimes in their entire fucking lives and were watching television when the Burglary Squad swooped in on them like Force 10 from Naverone.

The homeowner, who was shot in his leg, was treated at a hospital and released. His name was not released and he declined to comment, because he intends to sue the fuck out of DeKalb County.

DeKalb County Police asked its friends at the  Georgia Bureau of Investigation to take over the investigation into the incident so it would appear to the public that a higher authority was actually doing something constructive to protect the citizens of DeKalb from brain-damaged, trigger happy police officers.

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A study commission by the Georgia House of Representatives found that over the last five years the Burglary Squad has caused three dozen deaths and over 17 million dollars worth of damage to infrastructure and private property in and around DeKalb County.

In a statement released Tuesday, the bureau said after the investigation is completed, “it will be turned over to the district attorney for any action the district attorney deems appropriate.”

The three officers who perpetrated the debacle, Officer Mike Dimbulb, Officer Titus Dullard, and Sergeant Billy Joe Numbnuts were reassigned to desk duty while the investigation is active.

Officer Fore told 11 Dead or Alive News that Chief Cedric Alexander originally wanted to assign the nitwits to janitorial duties for two weeks as punishment for leaving living witnesses to the giant clusterfuck. However, several mid level personnel who personally know the officers in question expressed concern that they would create an environmental disaster if given access to harsh cleaning chemicals.

The shooting happened in a neighborhood about 5 miles from downtown Atlanta, which is normally a safe area unless you happen to be an unarmed black male minding your own fucking business.

 

‘Extinct’ Species Spotted At Dallas Pool Party

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The gigantic beast roamed through the crowd of teenagers unmolested as arriving cops concentrated instead on violating the black kids’ civil rights, as is their habit.

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – A call to police about a giant creature lumbering through a party at a community pool thrust the affluent suburb of McKinney into the national spotlight on race, police relations, and paleobiology on Sunday.

Police Cpl. Eric Casebolt was placed on administrative leave after a video surfaced showing him pulling a 15-year-old girl to the ground and pinning her down outside a pool party Friday night in the expansive Craig Ranch subdivision. Seconds later, he pulled his gun and pointed it at two teens who appear to try to come to her aid.

The profanity-laced seven-minute video, posted to YouTube on Saturday, had been viewed more than 4 million times by Monday. It shows white police officers trying to control black teens who had scattered as officers arrived in the neighborhood.

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The horrifying creature was even allowed to start a mating ritual with one teenager by rubbing his scrotum against the back of her head.

Cops were originally called to the area when neighborhood watch members saw what they described as “a lumbering behemoth” moving among teens attending a Sunday afternoon party.

“The kids were terrified,” said Ralph Numbnuts, resident and community leader of Flat Earth Estates, where the incident took place. “We considered breaking out our RPG’s, flamethrowers, and automatic weapons, but we decided to leave it to the cops because we thought they might be able to stun the beast and take it alive. So we used our public address system to warn folks that the police were on their way so that everyone could put up their dogs and keep them out of danger.

“But to our amazement when the swine arrived on the scene they virtually ignored the enormous monster and instead went after every black kid in sight. It was like showing red to an angry bull!”

Numbnuts told reporters later that he had read a study on the internet that something in cops’ DNA caused them to lose all higher brain function when confronted with dogs or black people, and became murderous automatons incapable of human emotion.

“But I thought it was all bullshit,” said Numbnuts. “Now I know better.”

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The Megatherium was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene, and unconfirmed reports of gigantic fat-ass creatures lumbering through Walmart and Dollar Stores around the country have up until now thought to be baseless rumors.

Eventually over ten police units were called to the scene in an attempt to violate the civil rights of every black teenager in the area, but even with that many cops around, the colossus was able to escape and his whereabouts are unknown.

Paleontologists have been able to identify the huge creature as a Megatherium, or giant ground sloth.

“It was a giant, fat-ass sloth the size of a fucking elephant that was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene,” said David Grimaldi of Cornell. “It’s flat-out amazing that one is now wandering around the suburbs of a major city. I just can’t believe it.”

McKinney Mayor Brian Loughmiller said that he expects city staff and police officials to quickly conduct an investigation into the officer’s actions.

“I am disturbed and concerned by the incident and actions depicted in the video,” Loughmiller said in a written statement. “Our expectation as a City Council is that our police department and other departments will act professionally and with appropriate restraint relative to the situation they are faced with. For these idiots to completely ignore a gigantic fat-ass monster and instead go after young people in bathing suits is really deplorable.”

McKinney Police Chief Greg Conley, who declined to say what specific behavior in the video led to the investigation, said Sunday that several officers were immediately placed on leave.

 

 

European Law Enforcement Experts To Speak At Cop Convention

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CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Alarmed over public outrage after a series of incidents in which innocent civilians and their canines have been brutally murdered by crazed cops, leaders of the National Fraternal Order of Police have announced that they are bringing in speakers from civilized countries in western Europe to lead seminars at next fall’s FOP convention in Miami.

The seminars will outline basic policing techniques used in countries where police officers do not routinely shoot dogs for no apparent reason, fill 92-year-old grandmothers with lead when they raid the wrong house looking for a joint, shoot fleeing unarmed black men in the back multiple times, or leap atop automobiles and fire 137 rounds into a couple on their way to get supper at McDonald’s.

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Matthews told Sean Hannity not to worry because popular seminars like “How To Kill An Unarmed Nigger and Get Away With It” would still be taught on a regular basis.

“We need to work on our image a little bit,” said Buford “Civil Rights Violation” Matthews, current president of the FOP. “We thought that if we bring these guys in from countries where they don’t just out-and-out murder unarmed suspects, we could play that up and act like we actually give a shit about the people we’re hired to ‘protect and serve.'”

Matthews told Fox News host Sean Hannity that although no officer has ever done anything wrong in the history of law enforcement, public image is what counts, and right now the general public for some insane reason just does not have the confidence it once had in its local police forces.

Hannity agreed, but expressed concern over the FOP bringing in Marxist revolutionaries from communist countries such as Great Britain, Denmark, and Belgium.

“Can we really trust countries that provide health care to poor people?” asked Hannity.

Matthews soothed Hannity’s fears by telling him no one would take the speakers seriously, and popular seminars such as “How To Properly Lead A Fleeing Unarmed Suspect With A Glock,” and “Where Do I Aim To Safely Dispatch A Standard Poodle?” and “How To Properly Insert A Broomstick Into A Suspect’s Anus” would not be discontinued.

“Don’t worry Sean, we have no intention of changing our modus operandi,” said Matthews. “After all, we have to take our sexual frustration out on someone. In today’s modern society with the threat of ISIS showing up in overwhelming numbers all over the United States, it’s just not enough to go home and beat our wives all the time. We have to express our insecurity problems somehow, and once the right-wing gets around to outlawing the filming of cops on duty, well then, we can really get back to using some time-tested methods of brutality!”

Madison Alabama Cops To Investigate Madison Alabama Cops

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HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.

“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.'”

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Captain Stringer promised a thorough and unbiased secret internal investigation of the cops he has worked side-by-side with for years. “No way they should have let that towel head survive to testify,” said Stringer.

Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.

Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.

“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”

Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.

“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”

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Cops in Alabama have a long history of treating everyone fairly, as long as the suspects are not black, brown, yellow, Hispanic, hippies, liberals, atheists, or homosexuals.

Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.

“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”

Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.

“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”

Habersham County Cop Wins Coveted “NAZI Stormtrooper Of The Year” Award

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ATLANTA (CT&P) – Bubba “Catfish” McDim, the Georgia SWAT team member who tossed a stun grenade into a baby’s crib during a drug raid this spring, has been awarded the NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award according to Haberham County Sheriff Joey “Heinrich” Terrell.  Although no drugs or weapons were found during the raid, McDim managed to melt the infant’s face and disfigure him for life, an achievement that brought praise from law enforcement agencies from across the country.

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Sheriff Terrell told reporters that Uncle Adolf himself would have been “damn proud” of the team’s actions on the night in question.

“We shore are proud of our Catfish,” said Sheriff Terrell. “All those hours of practice throwing fragmentation grenades at Messican farm workers and carloads of negra teenagers really paid off. Bubba sets a sterlin’ example of just what can be achieved when using deadly force against unarmed civilians.”

McDim will be honored at a gala banquet in Atlanta over the Christmas holidays. The yearly banquet honors militarized police thugs from all over the country who perpetrate abominations on the American public in the name of the “War On Drugs.”

Below is a synopsis of the Habersham SWAT team’s actions that the awards committee used to determine this year’s winner:

 

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Sheriff Terrell, president of the local chapter of the League of Fascist Law Enforcement Personnel, told WSB that although no drugs were found on the raid, melting the baby’s face was an outstanding achievement that just could not go unrecognized by law enforcement.

Of all the botched drug raids that have occurred in 2014, the most appalling took place in Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—when narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the brave cops, Officer Bubba “Catfish” McDim, tossed a flash-bang grenade which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and a hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested without incident.

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The Stormtrooper of the Year award has a rich history and has been given to deserving young officers annually since 1945.

Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. Members of the SWAT team escaped any criminal charges for the botched raid on October 6 when a grand jury, under threat of lifelong police harassment, found no fault with police procedure on the raid.

“We are here to support our officers no matter what kind of abomination they may perpetrate,” said a trembling Billy Bob McSneed, the jury foreman.

Mildred Fatback of Clarkesville agreed.

“I just don’t see how anyone could ever criticize our brave police officers,” she said, as she looked around nervously, “why, only last week one saved my life by giving me a ticket for going 3 MPH over the speed limit. He also confiscated 53 bucks from me that I could have used to purchase drugs if I actually used them. I’m very grateful.”

Sheriff Terrell told WSB News that the grand jury “did good” and more heinous and deadly “no-knock” raids were planned in the near future.

“There just ain’t no telling what’s goin’ on out dere,” said Terrell. “We may need raid every home in the county just to make sure no one ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong. Who knows what we might find? I know some of the boys are needin’ some new appliances and stereos, so this no-knock thing might just be the ticket for ’em.”