Obama Destroys Country Again

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – President Barack Obama will officially restore Denali as the name of North America’s tallest mountain today, siding with the state of Alaska in ending a 40-year battle over what to call a peak that has been known as Mount McKinley.

The historic change, coming at the beginning of a three-day presidential trip to Alaska, is a sign of how hard the White House will push during Obama’s remaining 16 months as president to ensure his fight to address climate change is part of his legacy.

Renaming the mountain, which has an elevation of more than 20,000 feet (6,100 meters), makes headlines for his climate quest while also creating goodwill in a state that has not been broadly supportive to the Democratic president.

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Pat Robertson emerged from a coma on his television show this morning to warn that God will not stand by and let a negro Muslim president rename our sacred mountains.

Obama is slated to tour a receding glacier and meet people in remote Arctic communities whose way of life is affected by rising ocean levels, creating images designed to build support for regulations to curb carbon emissions.

However, a large number of idiots around the country have decried the name change as part of Obama’s continuing attempts to leave the United States a burned-out wreck of its former self when he leaves office.

“This must be part of Jade Helm North,” said C. J. Grisham, idiot, blogger, and president of Open Carry Texas, an organization full of sexual insecure misfits.

“As white people who support the constitution, we can’t just stand by and let that negra Muslim cede our sovereignty to a bunch of Indians. It’s bad enough that he let’s in all those Mexican rapists and murderers. If someone doesn’t stop him, all Americans will have equal rights, and we can’t have that.”

Rush Limbaugh, idiot and formerly important conservative talk show host, told his audience on Friday that Obama was just pandering to the powerful “Injun lobby” in hopes of locking up the 2016 election for Joe Biden.

“It’s a power grab by the minorities that threaten our archaic and bigoted white power structure,” said Limbaugh. “We have to rise up and make sure that nothing ever changes in America. We stole the country fair and square, and we can call it whatever we like.”

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Ohio, known as the “Mother of Drunken Presidents,” boasts eight American presidents, including U.S. Grant, whose liquor bill almost bankrupted the country in 1876.

The dangerously unbalanced Reverend Pat Robertson, an idiot who has made millions preaching the gospel of the socialist crusader Jesus of Nazareth, told viewers of the 700 Club that Tropical Storm Erika was a warning to all Christians in America that if Obama renames Mt. McKinley it will precipitate the End Times.

“If we really want to insure the safety of the United States we should give Alaska to Israel, like the prophecy states in the Bible,” said Robertson, as his enormous head lolled uncontrollably from side to side. Robertson then asked his viewers to pray with him and make a donation to his “Feedsack Fund” for the care and maintenance of all his expensive race horses.

Many other idiots across the U.S. object to the renaming as well, but none more than in the State of Ohio, where a misguided loyalty to McKinley and its seven other presidents almost reaches the level of religious fervor.

“Our presidents were the best,” said Verne McButt, a short order cook and graduate of Ohio State’s School of Acorn Management. “Virginia ain’t got shit on us.”

Although protests by misguided idiots, bigoted assholes, and miscreant climate change deniers are sure to continue, they will more than likely have little effect on Obama, who arrived at the “fuck it” stage of his presidency months ago.

 

 

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe Unable To Locate His Own Ass

Immigration Presser

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to Senator James Inhofe are telling the Washington Post that the politician from Oklahoma is so stupid that he cannot find his ass even when he utilizes both hands.

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Senator Inhofe possesses roughly the same IQ as that of a South American tapir

“The man is as dumb as a box of rocks,” said an aide to the senator, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “He has roughly the same IQ as a tapir running around in a South American rain forest. I’m relatively new to the staff, so I don’t know how long he’s been like this, but let me tell you, the man has trouble crossing the fucking street by himself. It’s a classic case of ‘lights on-nobody home.'”

The revelation is all the more alarming because as a result of the November elections Senator Inhofe has assumed the chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

“It’s like making Barney Fife secretary of defense,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “This guy actually believes that the Bible somehow refutes man-made climate change. He’s as bad as those savages in the Middle East that want to take us back to the 7th Century. He belongs in a mental institution or a third grade science class or anywhere other than the U.S. Senate. The man is a menace.”

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Inhofe has consistently ranked in the top ten of mentally deficient politicians over the last two decades, which calls into question the native intelligence of those who have elected the cretin to the senate four times in a row

Senator Inhofe has become famous for his idiotic statements in the past, such as the time he compared the rise of gay rights to the sinking of the Titanic. Most Americans have up to this point considered him another Tea Party type clown with the native intelligence of cement block, but many are now alarmed that he is chairman of an important committee.

Inhofe’s first act as committee chairman was to take the floor and drone on and on about how anthropologic climate change is a giant hoax perpetrated by scientists who just want funding to continue their lavish lifestyles.

“Man made climate change is just a giant conspiracy like the moon landings and the JFK assassination,” said Inhofe. “We can’t trust these scientists at all, they’re just like doctors. Everyone knows it’s better to pray to God to be healed rather than see a doctor,” raved the moron from Oklahoma.

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Most Americans have considered Inhofe a harmless buffoon from Turdflip, Oklahoma up until this point.

The senator used a video made in his garage to support his arguments. The video began with a list of people who don’t agree with the vast majority of climate scientists who say human-caused carbon emissions are contributing to climate change. Inhofe said he has compiled a list of 4,000 “renowned scientists” who disagree with the 97% of climate scientists who actually have looked at the data. Inhofe’s list actually has 650 people-not 4,000, and some of whom are television meteorologists, amateur gynecologists, pizza delivery dudes, and fry cooks at McDonalds.

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Many believe that Inhofe belongs in some mental institution or in a home for mentally challenged religious fanatics, anywhere but in a position of power

Conversely, one of the most recent peer-reviewed studies on the state of climate science showed that out of 4000 abstracts from peer-reviewed papers published in the past 21 years that stated a position on the cause of global warming — 97 percent of these endorsed the point that it was human-caused.

In the video, Inhofe says this is “just not true.” “Whoever heard of someone reviewing a paper on a pier?” said Inhofe. “Piers are for fishing.”

“With people as dumb as Inhofe in positions of power in the federal government, well, things don’t bode well for any meaningful action on climate change for at least the next two years,” said Dr. Black. “It really cements the image of the U.S. Senate as being ‘old, white, male, and stupid.’ One thing about it though, with guys like this and those idiots in the Tea Party on television every week, the Democrats are sure to do well in 2016.”

 

 

 

Poll Finds Old Wet Hens Are Optimistic About America’s Future

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.

The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.

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Zebrus Maximus, seen here with three of the hens polled, told researchers that “Hell, I thought living with 12 women in the same coop was tough. I think I’d have to drown myself in the watering trough if I had to be around politicians all the time.” Zebrus does morning drive-time traffic for WCOK in Murphy.

The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.

By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.

Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.

Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.

“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”

 

 

 

 

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”

 

 

Esteemed Philosopher And Part-Time Climatologist Dr. Marco Rubio To Be Nominated For Nobel Prize

Senator Rubio of Florida speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor, Marylan

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – After years of trying to make himself relevant outside the zoo that is his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio has finally hit the “big time” with his new philosophical system that was made public for the first time last week. Senator Rubio (R-FL) outlined his system on Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News (surprise) Tuesday night.

Senator Rubio told O’Reilly that despite the fact that 95% of climate scientists agree that climate change is indeed occurring and the vast majority of it is being caused by human beings, what really matters is what we believe about climate change. When asked to clarify his statement, Rubio said, “I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow, there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate. Facts and actions don’t matter with my new system. It’s your opinion that makes the difference.”

“It’s like with cigarettes and evolution,” continued Rubio, “in my philosophical system, if you don’t believe that cigarettes will kill you, then they won’t. Furthermore, if you have faith that some being created the earth around 6,000 years ago, and T-Rex was hanging out with Jesus in Palestine, well then, that’s what really happened.”

The appearance by Rubio on O’Reilly’s show has sent shock waves through the scientific community worldwide.

“I don’t know why someone hasn’t  thought of this before,” said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. “This will turn the scientific method on its head. To think that we have wasted all those hundreds of years actually trying to prove theories through repeatable experiments…Rubio’s insight is just breathtaking. It’s all the more remarkable that he chose O’Reilly’s show to unveil this new way of looking at the world. That show is usually just a black hole of ignorance. All I can say is ‘WOW!'”

Rubio says the new system will have far-reaching effects in government policy and basically walks hand in hand with right-wing Republican initiatives already on the books.

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Charles Krauthammer was quick to jump on the Rubio “facts don’t matter” bandwagon. He told Fox viewers “I’m proud to be a Dullard, and I’m supporting Rubio in 2016.”

“Now, if you don’t feel well or if you are hungry, all you have to do is believe that you are healthy and well fed, and that solves the problem,” said Rubio. “There’s absolutely no need for government or even charities to worry with the unfortunates in our society. Their problems have always been in their collective head, and my new way of looking at things absolves us from taking any action about it. Think of the money we’ll save!”

Republican leaders and talking heads were quick to jump on the Rubio bandwagon. Charles Krauthammer in particular has become a devotee of “Dullardism,” as the new philosophy is being called. Both Krauthammer and George Will lent their intellectual weight to the new ideas on Fox News’ Panneau de Crétins show on Sunday morning. The normally pompous “prig in a wig” Will said, “I’m really humbled and impressed by Rubio’s deep thought on this matter. We haven’t seen this kind of intellectual progress since Kierkegaard made his famous ‘leap of faith.'”

Republicans were not the only ones impressed by Rubio, however. Enough Democrats agree with his system that it is quite likely that no action will be taken to rein in climate change, or any other global problem, for the foreseeable future.

“I think it’s quite likely that nothing will be done about climate change until those morons in Congress are forced use scuba gear on Capitol Hill,” said Kevin Tyndall, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. “I sincerely hope they all drown in their beds.”

There is however some good news here. Those of us that are over fifty will never feel the full effects of climate change or for that matter Rubio’s new philosophy. We can leave those particular problems for future generations to worry about.

 

 

 

 

New Science Poll Finds That Four Out Of Ten Americans Are Ignorant Twits

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – A new Associated Press-GfK poll taken in March of this year has found that almost half of the U.S. population is either mentally deficient or highly delusional. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted March 20-24, 2014, using KnowledgePanel, GfK’s probability-based online panel designed to be representative of the U.S. population. It involved online interviews with 1,012 adults and has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points for all respondents.

Instead of attempting to test the public’s specific scientific knowledge, which would no doubt have led to a series of suicides in the academic community, the poll asked “the folks” to rate their confidence in several statements concerning science and medicine.

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The poll found that many Americans are imbeciles and should not be allowed to reproduce or even drive motor vehicles

The results were depressing.

The poll found that fully forty percent of Americans were skeptical of the settled scientific facts represented in statements about climate change, evolution, the age of the earth, and the Big Bang.

“Science ignorance is pervasive in our society, and these attitudes are reinforced when some of our leaders are openly antagonistic to established facts,” said 2013 Nobel Prize in medicine winner Randy Schekman of the University of California, Berkeley.

The poll found that whenever scientific fact bumped up against religious belief and blind faith, faith won the day. Alan Leshner, chief executive of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, said that in the general population “most often values and beliefs trump science” when they conflict.

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Drs. John Bigboote, John Yaya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries of Yoyodyne Labs have done extensive testing on human belief systems

According to the poll, confidence in evolution, the Big Bang, and the age of the earth rapidly decline as faith in a supreme being rises. The poll also found that evangelical Christians express much greater doubt about scientific concepts they see as contradictory to their faith.

Equally alarming to many scientists was the confidence that many Americans expressed in bizarre conspiracy theories. Fully twenty percent of Americans expressed confidence that George Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks, the moon landings were faked, and President Obama was in league with Satan, while discounting evolution as part of a “commie plot” to poison the minds of young schoolchildren. The poll also found that many Americans express a deep distrust of photosynthesis, the freezing point of water, and the concept of entropy. Nine percent of Americans believe that the refrigerator light stays on when you shut the door.

Interestingly, not all scientists were surprised or depressed by the poll.

Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems told reporters that “This poll reflects what we have found in our research at our facility over in Grover’s Mill. Careful examination of you monkey boys reveals that, despite having a huge prefrontal cortex when compared to other species on this miserable rock, on the whole you are apt to believe in imaginary beings who make things happen and punish the unrepentant.”

“It’s really quite bizarre,” said Lizardo. “Your species has experienced this great leap forward in technology over the past few centuries that has made life easier for all of mankind and greatly increased the average lifespan of humanoids. Countless discoveries have improved living conditions all over the planet.  All of this progress has been made thanks to the advancement of science and reason, but you guys still insist that evolution is a plot and the world was created 7000 years ago by a dude floating up there in the ether somewhere.”

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Dr. Emilio Lizardo was not surprised by the poll’s findings. For years he’s been telling any being who would listen that the average American’s grasp of science is “for shit”

“But we Lectroids are not complaining,” continued Dr. Lizardo, “this ‘blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance’ will only aid us as we secretly produce our oscillation overthruster so we can finally get our butts off this rock!”

The scientists who analyzed the results of the poll offer little hope for progress in the near future, but some did see light at the end of the wormhole.

“Look, you don’t run into many people around the world who still worship Zeus or Jupiter,” said Dr. Frank Black. “I think that in time we can reduce the number of folks who orient their lives around fairy tales and scary bedtime stories, and it is absolutely imperative that we do if we want to continue to thrive as a species.”

Dr. Black concluded by saying, “People should remember and take heed of Victor Stenger’s famous quote: ‘Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.'”